Relinquish(35)

I’m terrified of what lies ahead and regretful of what is behind. So much of this year has been wasted with indifference, cold shoulders, and bitterness.

All I ever wanted was my friend and now he is here. Not the Eamon who professed his love for me with awkward pleading or the Eamon who eagerly accepted Kyan’s assurance that we were meant to be together, but the Eamon who used to hold me in the long hours of the night simply to be close.

No expectations. No drama or heartache. Just us. The way we were always meant to be.

“This is nice,” I whisper as I lean up onto my toes and press my cheek into his neck.

He nods and wraps his arms around me, sealing me into his embrace. I close my eyes as the first tears form and I hide them in his shoulder. There are some things I still can’t show him. “I’ve missed you,” he murmurs against my hair.

I dig my fingers into his back, praying that this moment will not end, but as with all things, there is almost a finality to it. Before I’m ready, Eamon unwraps my arms from around his neck, clasping them against his chest.

I can’t remember the last time we stood like this. Was it beneath the shadow of the Shard after Bastien left me? No, I don’t think even then it was this pure. It must have been before that.

“I’m afraid,” I whisper as I lay my hands against his chest, feeling the steady pulse of his heart beating just beneath the surface.

“Me too.”

“Not just of this mission. Of everything. I have been for a long time. I just…” I trail off as I see the flash of hurt cross his face. It is fleeting but present all the same.

He releases his hold on my hands and steps back. “Isn’t it ironic how we wish for so many things at the end, when we thought we had all the time in the world to mend the hurts?”

I nod, knowing exactly what he means. Things should’ve been different between us. Instead of lashing out at each other, we should’ve bonded together, stood strong side by side to face what would come. Instead, we broke.

“I don’t blame you,” I whisper. “I mean, it hurt, but I know you didn’t back away to cause me pain.”

“Never.” His lower lip trembles as he shoves his hands back into his pockets. “There has never been anyone but you, Illyria. That’s why I need you to stay with me. Don’t go on this mission.”

I close my eyes to his pleading, knowing if he’d said these words sooner, I might have been swayed. “It’s too late now, Eamon.”

“I know.” He slumps back against a tree and hangs his head. “A guy can still hope, right?”

“Always.” My voice cracks and I can feel my control starting to fragment. I rush forward and throw myself into his arms, burrowing into his chest one last time. The warmth of his tears patter against my face. I clench my eyes shut, praying he isn’t right, that we will see each other again soon.

A whimper rises in my throat and I thrust back, needing to flee. I turn to run and stop short, shocked into utter silence. Bastien!

I can’t breathe. My lungs literally refuse to expand as I stare across the small clearing at Bastien. An odd, croaking sound rises from my throat as I step hesitantly forward. “What…?” I swallow, feeling as if my throat is suddenly parched. “What are you doing here?”

Bastien looks beyond me, his expression darkening. “I assumed you would know I was coming.”

His brow pinches with disapproval as Eamon stands up beside me. When Eamon reaches for my hand, I wrench away from him, stepping back. “You knew? Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I wanted to. I tried to but…” He glances away, appearing to struggle to swallow. “It doesn’t matter. He’s here now.”

“Doesn’t matter?” The pitch of my voice rises to glass-splintering heights. “How can you say this doesn’t matter? Didn’t I have a right to know? You can’t just drop this… him on me and expect me to be okay with this!”

I begin to pace, wringing my hands before my stomach. All hope of playing this off cool went out the window after the first unattractive croak. Now all bets are off.

“Should I come back?” Bastien asks, clearly uncomfortable, yet I realize also infuriatingly amused by the scene he’s stepped into.

“No!” Eamon and I both shout at the same time. I double over and grasp the back of my knees, fighting for a calm that I know is currently residing about a hundred miles from here. “I just… I need a moment.”

I can feel my panic rising. I can’t handle this. Why does fate have it in for me? One gut-wrenching good-bye wasn’t enough? Now they have to throw an imploding heart into the mix as well?