Refuge(51)

“But if you hadn’t gotten there when you did, I – ”

“You would have done it on your own. You’re a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for. The demon might have gained control for a short time, but you would not have let it stay that way.”

My breath bottled up in my chest. “How can you know that?”

His gaze did not waver. “Because I know you. You are one of the most willful people I’ve ever met, and it would take a lot more than a demon to control you.” His mouth curved into a smile, and I felt an answering warmth in my belly. “That I know from experience.”

“Are you going to train me to fight without my demon?”

“Today we are going to start with the basics. You will learn to open yourself to your Mori safely.”

A cold knot formed in my chest. “I can’t – ”

“Yes, you can. This is something every one of us learns to do, and you will, too. You are a lot stronger than the rest of us were when we started.” His voice was firm but reassuring and I wanted to believe him, but I could not get the memory of that night in the cellar out of my head.

He must have seen my fear because he reached out unexpectedly to take my hand in his, sending a warm tingle up my arm. “Do you trust me?”

I bit my lip and nodded slowly.

“And you know that I would never let anything harm you, right?”

“Yes.”

“Good.” He smiled, and his eyes softened. He released my hand and sat back. “It might be easier if you tell me how it is that you are able to control your demon. How do you keep your Mori separate from your Fae power?”

I thought for a minute about the best way to answer because I’d never had to explain my power to anyone before now. “It’s hard to explain. I can feel the demon in my head and sense its thoughts, or rather its emotions, if that makes sense.”

He nodded.

“When I was little I used to hear its voice whispering in my mind, kind of like a song you get stuck in your head and it won’t go away no matter what you think about. I think I was five or six when it first tried to come out, and it scared me so much that I accidentally released my power, which I had no idea about until that day. The beast – that’s what I used to call my demon before you told me what it was – was afraid of my power and it pulled into the back of my mind to get away from it. I was scared to death and I had no idea what was going on with me, but I knew I’d done something to make the creepy voice in my head quiet. It wasn’t until I found an injured robin and the power burst out of me to heal the bird’s wing that I realized what I could really do. After that, I had to learn to keep my power locked away and only call on it when I needed it and also how to tap into it to keep the beast – I mean the demon – caged in the back of my mind. The only times the demon seemed to wake up was when I did a healing and drained my power. That used to happen all the time in the beginning, but it doesn’t happen anymore.”

He was quiet for a moment, and his expression was impossible to read. He must think I’m a total freak now.

“I don’t know if I am more amazed by your level of control or that you learned it at such a young age with no guidance or training. Are you consciously doing it?”

There was none of the disgust I feared I would hear in his voice, and some of my anxiety left me. “In the beginning I did, and it was hard as hell. I lost control of my power all the time because I had to focus on keeping the beast – demon – quiet. Now, it’s like breathing. I don’t have to think about it unless I use too much power and get weak. Then the demon starts to move and I have to use force with it. How do you do it?”

“Not like that.” He laughed and ran a hand through his hair, and I couldn’t help but notice how the black waves shone in the sun. “You talk about your Mori and your Fae power like they are parts of you that you move as easily as an arm or a leg. For the rest of us, there is no real separation between us and our demons. My Mori and I are joined completely, and I feel its thoughts and emotions as easily as my own.”

“How can you control it if it’s that much a part of you?” I could not imagine constantly sharing my mind with another consciousness. It was already noisy enough in my head with my own thoughts. I would go crazy if I was bombarded with the demon’s thoughts all the time.

“I learned from a young age to suppress the demon’s natural urges just like you would any craving. But unlike you, I can’t block it completely, and I’m always aware of my Mori because together we make one person.”