Refuge(118)

I nodded against his chest.

“What are you thinking?” he pressed gently. “Talk to me.”

“I don’t know what to think anymore,” I whispered hoarsely. “I mean, we’ve been fighting since we met, and I know you weren’t exactly happy to meet me in the first place. My life is a mess and I’ll never be a warrior like . . . Celine.” The other woman’s name left a sour taste in my mouth, but I had to put it out there. I would never be glamorous or sultry or whatever it was that men liked about Celine. I didn’t want to be any of those things. I might be confused about a lot of things in my life but I was also happy with who I was. What if Nikolas wanted something I wasn’t and he didn’t realize it until it was too late?

“Sara, I don’t want you to be like Celine.”

“But how do you know what you want? How do you know if what you feel comes from you or from a Mori thing you have no control over?” I wanted to ask him what the bond felt like to him, to help me understand my own emotions, but I couldn’t put the question into words.

I felt him sigh. “My Mori and I share our minds and emotions, but I always know the difference.”

“I’m so confused. I don’t understand any of this. It’s like I have no control over my life anymore. I’m scared.” How did I explain that it wasn’t being with him that frightened me? That the bond would change us and I was afraid of losing me, who I was?

His hand began to stroke my hair. “I felt the same way at first.”

“You were scared?” I couldn’t keep the disbelief from my voice.

He chuckled softly. “It scared the hell out of me when I saw you in that club and felt something between us. I’d never experienced anything like it, and I wasn’t prepared to feel that way for anyone, let alone an orphan I found in a bar. I wanted to stay with you and get far away from you at the same time. I tried to leave, but I couldn’t. And when I saw you in the hands of that vampire . . . ”

A small shudder passed through him, and I laid a hand against his chest. After a minute, I felt him relax again.

“You said you were confused and scared at first. You aren’t anymore?” I held my breath while I waited for his answer. I desperately wanted to know what he was feeling, where he saw this thing between us going.

“No, I’m not. Yes, it started with my Mori in that bar, but it wasn’t long before I realized there was more to you than you let people see. You drove me nuts when you were so stubborn and reckless, and you have an uncanny ability to find trouble. At the same time, I couldn’t help but admire your independent spirit and how fiercely protective you were of your friends. You were an untrained orphan with no apparent abilities, standing your own against a Mohiri warrior while defending two werewolves and a troll. You were something to behold. I didn’t want to feel anything more than responsibility for you, but you made it impossible not to.”

His admission left me reeling. Nikolas had never opened himself up to me this way, and his words rang with sincerity. He was telling me that it was me and not my Mori he had been drawn to, and he didn’t sound like a man who was being pulled into something against his will. My world shifted to fit this new reality where Nikolas and I were more than friends. We were past that place now, and there would be no going back. I didn’t want to go back.

“I felt something too when we met. It was like I knew you somehow even though we’d never met. My life was turned upside-down that night in more ways than one. Then you came to see me and I resented you for telling me what I was and for changing everything. I did some pretty stupid things and I hated that you were right about them. I hated that you wouldn’t go away and let me be the way I used to be. I thought you were arrogant and bossy and determined to drive me insane.”

He leaned down to say in a husky voice, “If this is a declaration of love, I’m not getting a warm fuzzy feeling about it.”

“I’m not finished,” I blurted, totally flustered. He just had to use the L-word. I was so not ready to go there yet. “Even when I was angry at you, I knew everything you did was to protect me and I always felt safe with you. It was strange. I didn’t trust people easily, but I trusted you almost immediately. But I don’t think it was until that day at the cliff, before you showed up, that I realized I felt something more. I was alone and expecting to die, and all I could think about was the people I’d never see again. I thought about you.” I took a deep breath. “And . . . I did miss you when you left me here, and it hurt because I thought you were glad to be free of me.”