Refuge(117)

“Were you coming to see me?”

I nodded mutely without looking at him.

“And you had to get drunk first?” Was that amusement in his tone? I wanted to make a retort, but I couldn’t after the way he had taken care of me.

“The trainees had a party,” I rasped. My throat was raw from throwing up.

“Were you coming to invite me?” There was no mistaking the humor this time.

“No, I – ” Now that I was here in front of him, I had no idea how to say what needed to be said. More than that, I didn’t want to say it. I couldn’t bear the thought of never seeing him again.

“Take your time.”

I couldn’t take my time because then I’d never get it out and he deserved better than that. Be strong and just spit it out. It’s the least you can do for him. “I wanted to let you know that . . . that you’re free. I’m going to break the bond.”

“What?”

I looked up at the shock and anger I heard in his voice. His mouth was set in a straight line, and for several seconds raw hurt glittered in his eyes before he looked away. I bit my lip in confusion. Why was he upset? I was giving him what he wanted.

“I’m sorry. I know I’m handling this all wrong.”

“Don’t apologize,” he said stiffly. “I don’t think there is an easy way to do something like this.”

My throat tightened so painfully I thought I was going to suffocate. Why hadn’t Tristan warned me how much it hurt to break the bond? How your lungs constricted until you could barely breathe, or about the ice that filled your veins until you knew you’d never be warm again. If Nikolas felt half the pain I did right now, it was no wonder he could not look at me.

“This is why you were upset in training today.”

“No, that was something else.” I couldn’t talk about Nate now, not unless I wanted to totally lose it. There was only so much pain I could handle at one time.

He was quiet for a long moment, and when he spoke, his voice sounded cool, distant. “What made you wait until now to tell me? We see each other every day.”

I decided to tell him the truth even if it killed me to say it. “I-I overheard you talking to Tristan tonight. You said you wanted to break the bond.”

His head whipped toward me and his eyes narrowed. “What are you talking about?”

“You told Tristan you were miserable and that you didn’t want this to happen.” I swallowed painfully. “I didn’t mean to listen, and I only heard bits of it. And then Celine said . . . ”

His voice grew hard again. “What did Celine say?”

“She said it wasn’t fair to hold you to a bond you didn’t want, and that you were too honorable to break it.” A fresh wave of misery swept through me and hot tears spilled down my cheeks. I buried my face in my hands, unable to look at him anymore. “I’m s-sorry. I never meant to h-hurt you.”

“Damn it.” Nikolas slid across the couch and pulled me to him, and I went willingly into the comfort of his arms. “Celine had no right to say that to you. And you misunderstood what you heard me say to Tristan. I told him I never wanted you to find out the way you did, and that I would rather you break the bond than see you unhappy because of it.”

“You don’t want to break the bond?” I asked, more confused than ever.

“No.”

My breath caught. What was he saying? “You don’t?”

I felt his body tense slightly. “Do you?”

How did I answer that question? Did I want to explore whatever this was between us? Yes. Was I ready for a forever thing? No. How did I say yes to one and not the other?

“You don’t have to answer right now,” he said tenderly. He was protecting me again, putting my feelings before his own, and his selflessness brought on a fresh bout of tears. His arms tightened around me. “I’m sorry you had to learn about it all this way. The last thing I wanted was for you to get hurt.”

Minutes passed before I could compose myself to speak again. “Why didn’t you tell me about the bond back in New Hastings?”

“If I’d told you the truth back then, you never would have come here, and I needed you to be safe.” His voice was thick with emotion, making him sound vulnerable for the first time since I met him.

“Tristan told me the bond makes you overprotective. Maybe you would feel different if we broke it. You wouldn’t have to worry about me all the time.” I didn’t want to suggest it, but I didn’t want to be his weakness either.

He pulled me closer until my head was tucked under his chin and his warmth chased away the chill that had invaded my body. I closed my eyes and let his familiar scent fill my nose. “I’ll always care about you. Don’t you know that by now?”