Raging Heart On_ Friends to Lovers Romance(63)
“White. I think we should talk,” I start, because I can’t do this anymore. The more I’m with him, the longer we’re together, I know it will destroy me when he leaves. I can’t keep going on like this.
“I do too,” he says and that weight in my stomach feels like it weighs a million pounds.
“You do?” I ask, shocked but resigned. It’s best to get it all out now. We can still be friends. I just need to adapt to being on the sidelines of his life.
“I know we discussed it before and decided against it, but I really think it’s time we see a specialist.”
“A specialist?” I ask, confused.
“Yeah. I mean, you were tested once before, you said, when you were thinking of marrying that loser.”
“Tommy—”
“Never say his name. Anyway, I haven’t been tested and I really think I should.”
“White, that’s not necessary. In fact, I have something I need to talk with you about.”
“It is necessary. I need to know.”
“But…”
“I’m doing this, Kayla. In fact, I already have.”
“You… what?”
“I made an appointment with one of the leading fertility doctors in the state. If there’s something wrong with my swimmers, we’ll know by this time next week.”
“White. You should have talked to me about this. I need to tell you—”
“You don’t need to do anything other than go to the doctor with me and be there for moral support.”
I really should argue further. The words don’t seem to want to come though.
“It could be me, you know,” I tell him, the guilt filling my voice. “It may be nothing you’re doing that’s causing me not to be pregnant. It could all be me.”
I’m lame. The words I’m giving him are lame.
“Well, you have at least been tested before. I haven’t. So let’s start with me and we can face whatever needs to be done next together.”
“White, I really don’t think—”
“We’re doing this, Kayla, end of discussion.”
That’s when I know I truly am weak, because I don’t argue further. I let White settle us on the bed. I let him rub on my stomach and feed me chocolate and tell me outrageous stories about his brother Cyan. I soak it all up even as the guilt is eating me alive. What I don’t do is tell White the truth.
I’m a horrible person. I agree to let my best friend-turned-lover get his sperm tested, knowing there’s no reason to. Worse. I let my best friend-turned-lover think he might be impotent rather than tell him I’m on the pill.
I’m weak.
CHAPTER 43
WHITE
“Right this way, Mr. Lucas,” the nurse calls as she leads me down a small hallway off of the doctor’s office. I look over to make sure Kayla is beside me, then reach out and grab her hand. She doesn’t look at me. She’s looking at the small plastic cup I’m holding that the doctor referred to as a specimen container—if that isn’t a mood killer in and of itself. I squeeze her hand reassuringly, more for my benefit than hers. I wanted to give Kayla a baby. She wants that more than anything and I find I want to be the man who makes all her dreams come true. So I’m doing this shit, but it doesn’t mean I have to be happy about it.
“Mrs. Lucas, you can sit here in the waiting area. Mr. Lucas, you will be in room 1A.”
I look at the door that has a metal plaque above it that says 1A. That’s it. I guess in my head I thought it would read Jacking-Off Area. They could at least make it fun. Call it the Snake Charming Room, Splooge Collection Chamber… something.
“I’ll be back,” I tell Kayla in my best Arnold Schwarzenegger voice. She gives me the smile that I wanted to see, so I wink at her and then follow the nurse to the room.
“There’s magazines and a computer in there to, umm… help if you find you need it.”
“Help?” I ask rather stupidly.
The nurse doesn’t respond, unless you count the blush she’s wearing. I step in and she closes the door behind me. I look around the small room. For some reason, I feel like I might have walked on the small set of a porn movie—or at least the fluffer room. That thought comes when I see the stack of adult magazines. I thumb through them, totally unimpressed. These were the kind of things my brothers and I hoarded when we were young, but it’s definitely not something I’m going to stroke my dick to now. All I can think about when I look at them now is how their breasts look incredibly fake and lacking compared to Kayla’s. Kayla’s are large and just right to wrap my dick inside of and ride hard, not being afraid I would hurt her.