Possession(80)

I rub my stomach in discomfort and Mandy notices. “Have you still got this bug? I thought you would be over it by now. How long has it been? Over a week?”

It’s been three weeks since Drake walked out the door, and I miss him more than anything in the world. For the past week, I have felt constantly sick and constantly tired. I’ve gone off some of my favourite foods, and I feel crabby at times. I’m putting it down to the fact that I can’t get over Drake. I don’t know if this is love I feel, so I’m giving myself a chance to breathe without him. I find at times that my finger hovers over the button of my phone—desperate to call him and ask him to come over. But I know that if I do, I will get lost in him. If I allow myself to get swept up by him again, then what? He’ll take me back to the house and lock me up? I can’t go through that again.

“Something like that,” I answer, looking over at the envelope. Mandy catches me and stops chewing.

“Have you signed them?” I shake my head. “Do you want to?”

I sigh. “I really don’t know.”

“You’re hesitating for a reason. Is it because you actually love him despite all the shit he’s put you through?”

“I can’t answer that either. My head won’t stop spinning. Do you know how many times I’ve found myself almost on the phone or at my door, getting ready to go over to him? I don’t know what the fuck this is, but I can’t seem to get him out of my head. I’m trying so that I can think clearly, but he always manages to find a way back in.”

Suddenly, Mandy starts laughing, so I frown at her. “He’s a clever fucker. I’ll give him that.”

“What is that supposed to mean?”

Placing her taco down, she wipes her hands before speaking. “Reverse psychology. He’s doing all the things you never expected him to, and now it’s confusing the fuck out of you. He’s either genuinely giving you time, or he’s playing a very shrewd game. My money’s on it being a bit of both. I reckon he’s doing it partly because he knows that this is what you want, but also partly—and this is the biggest part—because he hopes that you’ll realise that you can’t live without him.”

I had thought of this myself, but hearing Mandy say it out loud makes it sink in even more. Maybe he is playing a very shrewd game. I groan. This is why I know I need more space and time away from him.

“I know. I think I just need to figure out whether this … I don’t know what to call it … obsession with him is just that or more. Apart from you, he’s all I’ve ever known. He’s the only person who has taken care of me like a lover should, and sometimes, even like a father should. I have to try to separate those feelings out somehow to see how I truly feel.”

Mandy looks at me for a moment. Her face crinkles like she’s in deep thought. “Okay. I’ll ask you a question to put it into simpler terms.” I nod my head in agreement. “Imagine life without him, and then imagine meeting someone else. Someone who you think can make you happy. Someone who you think will love you unconditionally. Someone who maybe one day you will want to marry and have kids with. Can you imagine that in your head? Can you see that picture?” I try to, but when I do, all I feel is a pang in my stomach. Admitting the truth, I shake my head no. “Well then, that may be your answer. Sometimes, life isn’t about fairytales and finding that perfect someone. There’s no such thing as perfect. We all have our flaws. Drake just seems to have some rather large ones. It’s whether you think you can cope with them or not that matters.”

“What do you think I should do?”

She starts laughing. “Don’t ask me that. I can’t tell you what I think you should do. It sounds as though you’ve had that all your life. It’s time to start thinking for yourself.”

“I know what you’re saying, but a friend’s advice is always welcome.”

She laughs again. “Only in some situations … when asked.”

“Well, I’m asking.”

She sighs and stares ahead for a moment. “I know I used to push you two together back when I thought it was more innocent than it really was. As a friend, I should tell you to run and to run as fast as you can, but then it’s easy for me to say that when I have no romantic feelings involved in this situation. All I can offer are words. You are the only person who can look inside yourself and see how you truly feel. You are the only person who can see whether or not Drake holds a huge piece of your heart. Therefore, my advice is to carry on doing what you’re doing and take time out to see how you really feel. You’ve done well to not call the moment the urge comes. Keep doing that until you are one hundred percent sure whether you can really love him like he’s asking you to.”