Pitch Imperfect(79)
Images of Chloe’s laughing eyes danced tauntingly in front of her, morphing into skewed pictures of her pale, lifeless little body. Decisions...ifs and should haves and why didn’ts...Moments she couldn’t change and would give everything she possessed to live again. She relived the raucous applause of her comeback concert, her joy at being back on tour, singing to her fans. The silence as Chloe was covered in dark, mountain soil, her grief and desperation, and her guilt.
“I’m so sorry,” Anjuli whispered, and dropped the microphone. She couldn’t see people’s faces, couldn’t hear what they were saying or feel anything except the need to escape. Her dress tore as she ran down the stairs to the back exit and out onto the village green. Off went her heels so she could sprint across the dewy grass to Ash’s car.
“Anjuli...Wait!”
Someone was calling her, telling her to stop, and that spurred her to jam her foot on the accelerator, to leave him and the village behind. A black 4X4 followed her all the way home, lights blazing, but she barely registered it until it turned onto the road to Heaverlock Castle. Anjuli tore into Castle Manor and ran into her sitting room, panting and clutching her chest. Seconds later Rob followed, looking just as wild as she felt.
“What the fuck is wrong with you? You were driving like a maniac. What happened back there?”
She flung her hands out. “Weren’t you watching?”
“I want you to tell me!”
“And I want you to stop asking!”
They were shouting, and it was exactly what she needed. Over a year of trying to cry and not being able to, of not being able to shout or scream or express how she felt had finally taken its toll, and now she wanted to do all three until her voice could no longer sustain another note.
Rob took a deep, calming breath and closed the distance between them. “What happened to you, lass? Why can’t you sing?”
His voice was tender, compassionate, and the combination was almost too much to bear, draining her of anger and leaving only sorrow. She fixed her gaze on Heaverlock Castle’s sombre silhouette. In the fading light it looked exactly as she felt, bleak and ruined.
“I had a child,” she said, shutting her eyes. “A daughter...Chloe.”
Silence, and then, “Was she Brendan’s?”
“Yes, and I killed her.” Anjuli heard the sharp intake of breath but didn’t turn to look at him.
“Tell me, lass. Tell me everything, starting from when you left me.”
Anjuli stared outside, seeing the past. “My career took off and I was lonely and naive, surrounded by strangers who wanted to make money out of my voice. Busy all the time, and expected to present a certain type of image at performances. Chat shows, promotional tours, whatever, I had to be perfect.
“I missed you so much, but I knew you hated me so I decided to forget you. I should have marched back to Heaverlock and told you that I loved you, that I was miserable in spite of my success. That I regretted what I had done and wanted you back. But I was too proud, too hurt that you never contacted me, although I had no right to be. As time passed I blamed you for my unhappiness, angry that you didn’t love me enough to come after me.”
She smiled bitterly. “And when I came back in March, I was selfish enough to be upset when Mrs. P. told me you’d found someone else so quickly.” At his confounded expression, she held up her hand. “I would have found out anyway, and it’s okay. Really. Not my place to be upset. Or jealous.”
Rob frowned. “I need to tell you—”
“No! You don’t owe me explanations. I threw away your love and that’s all there is to it. You were bound to find somebody else, sooner or later.”
“Like you did?”
His gaze was steady, and though she found no anger or jealousy in his eyes, she was acutely aware that he didn’t want to hear her say yes. “When I met Brendan we became friends, bumping into each other at charity concerts and award ceremonies. One of these was on my birthday, and I was so damned tired of feeling exhausted, of having to pretend my life was wonderful when it wasn’t. Brendan comforted me and well...it only happened the one time. He was lonely too.”
A small muscle moved in Rob’s jaw but he didn’t speak.
“When I discovered I was pregnant I was over the moon. Finally, I was going to have somebody to love, somebody just for me. Selfish, I know. Brendan’s lawyer suggested we get married for tax reasons, but we never lived together. We didn’t love each other and I didn’t care that he continued his life the same as before. He played his gigs and I prepared for the baby. The gossip mags had a field day, making up stories about me while I secreted myself away in the French Alps.”