Pieces of You(79)

She’s sobbing harder now and I let out a deep sigh as I prepare myself for what will probably be the most painful three minutes of my life.

“This is the song I wrote for you and Abby.” I place the call on speakerphone, lay the phone on the concrete step next to me, and try to ignore the soft sounds of sobs in the background as I play the first notes.





Chapter Thirty-Nine





Claire




MY CHEST AND HEAD ACHE from the uncontrollable sobbing. I should go to Cora’s to get my stuff so I can drive back to the dorm, but I want to wait for Adam. I also can’t bear the thought of being alone in the dorm right now. I feel as if it’s not just my heart that is breaking in half. My life is being split down the middle and everything that happened yesterday was the before. Tomorrow will be the after. Today, I’m stuck in the hell of knowing there is no turning back.

I sit on a barstool and try to calm myself. The instant I hear the sound of the guitar, I can breathe again.



“This ain’t our last goodbye,

it’s our last hello.

I can feel it in my shattered heart;

all through my weary bones.

You’re the missing piece, the final scrap.

Someday we’ll fit together;

someday I’ll bring you back.”



The melody is light and hopeful, but there’s a blue quality in his voice that makes my stomach twist.



“These pieces of you are promises,

whispering endless possibilities.

My pieces of you are haunted,

just echoes of shattered memories.”



He sings the chorus one more time before he starts the second verse. I know from the first line that this verse is about Abigail.



“I held your hand in mine,

Now the moment’s gone

Felt the love in your tiny heart,

Never brought you home

You’re my missing piece, a lovely dream,

Someday, I’ll find you baby,

Someday, on me you’ll lean.”



He concludes with a soft, diminishing melody that gives me chills and, amazingly, the tears have stopped.

“Chris?”

“Claire.”

“I need a little time to think. I’ll call you before I go to sleep. I promise.”

“I love you more than this,” he says and I know he means that he loves me enough to forgive me.

“I don’t deserve you, but I love you.”

“Don’t say that. We’ve both hurt each other, babe, but we always get through it.”

I don’t want to tell him that I don’t think this is the kind of hurt we will survive. We say our goodbyes and I’m reminded of the first line of the song he just sang: This ain’t our last goodbye, it’s our last hello.

I don’t want to be without Chris. It’s so selfish of me to put him through this when all he’s done is forgive me and take care of me. He handed over his heart even though I’ve proven to be completely unworthy of it.

I have to call Senia, but she’s probably in full party-mode right now. I don’t want to ruin her night. There’s only one other person I can call.

Jackie picks up on the first ring. “Talk to me, hun.”

I launch into a long explanation of everything she’s missed out on since Chris and I broke up last year. I want her to know everything, from the day we broke up to the conversation Chris and I just had. I want her to know the whole truth and the real me.

My biological mother wasn’t strong enough to live for me. I can only hope Jackie’s love for me is strong enough for her to forgive me.

When I’m done, there’s a silence that I find both worrying and comforting. At least she’s not screaming curses at me, but maybe that’s because she’s so appalled she can’t form a sentence.

“Jackie?”

“Oh, honey. I wish I could tell you what to do. You know it kills me to know that you and Chris are hurting, but this is the kind of test that you two either face together or you move on. I don’t have to tell you how much I love you both and how much I want you around. Claire, you’re my girl. I will always want whatever keeps you close to me. But more than that, I just want both of you to be happy. What would make you happy?”

This is a generous response from someone who has already been so generous with me. I’ve made one mistake after another trying to make Chris happy. I thought Chris would be happy not to have to worry about a baby just as his career was taking off. I never thought I could be making the biggest mistake of my life.

“I want to know what would make you happy,” I say. “I think that what would make you happy is what would make me happy.”

She’s sniffs loudly and I know she’s crying now. When was the last time someone other than Chris cared about Jackie’s happiness?