Pieces of You(45)

She’s not going to make this easy, not that I expected she would. I can hear each of her breaths, soft and quick on the other end of the phone and it’s killing me. She can already anticipate what’s coming.

“I don’t want to be another distraction. You need to focus on school. You can’t keep failing tests and losing sleep. You need to be healthy, physically and emotionally, if you’re going to get through this semester and all this stuff with Abigail. I just want you to have everything you need.”

“And you think that I don’t need you? How could you ever think that this would be the solution?”

“Because I can’t do anything for you from here and it’s killing me. I don’t want to worry that you’re not getting everything you need. I want to know that you’re okay. I want to know that you’re being taken care of.”

“And dumping me is supposed to ensure that I’m taken care of? Are you handing me off to Chris? Is that what this is? You’re tired of dealing with my shit so you’re just pawning me off?”

I grit my teeth as I climb out of bed and make my way to the window. I have a view of the ocean from here that’s much nicer than the partial ocean view in my Wrightsville apartment. But no ocean view is beautiful enough to paint this ugly moment pretty.

“I’m not tired of your shit. How could you even say that? And I’m not pawning you off. I’m just trying to be mature about this. This was really bad timing for me to come here. You need to focus on school and I need to focus on this project and the competition.”

My muscles are wound up so tight I could probably punch straight through this wall.

“I don’t fit into your world. Is that what you’re telling me?”

Her voice is small and dark with despair.

“Claire, you are my world, but that world is crumbling and I’m just trying to do what needs to be done to stop it.” I take a deep breath as I watch the waves roll in and out. “I’m trying to throw you another lifeline.”

The sniffle on the other end of the line makes my stomach ache. I’ve gone over this conversation a thousand times in my mind since we talked yesterday. In my mind, she got pissed and hung up on me.

“So what are we supposed to do now? Just go on with our lives as if we never knew each other? Am I still going to know you? If we break up now, we’ll never see each other again, even when you get back. Wrightsville is a hundred miles away.”

“When I get back, I’m moving to Raleigh as soon as I help Cora find a new tenant. I would love for you to wait for me, but I don’t expect you to.”

She’s full on sobbing now and my arms ache with the thought of holding her. I want to soothe her pain and make her feel loved. I want her to know that this is not permanent because I fully intend to fight for her and for our future when I get back. But we will have no future if we don’t get through this separation.

We will definitely not get through this if I have to keep hearing about all the things she’s doing with Chris and how he doesn’t give a shit about her failing a test. I don’t actually know if he doesn’t give a shit, but I get the impression that he’s less concerned with her doing well in school than he should be, probably because he never had to go to college.

“I don’t want to wait for you. I want you here now. I need you here now,” she whispers.

“Hey, let me tell you a story.”

“I don’t want to hear a story.”

“Please?”

“A story about what?”

“When I was eight years old, there was this little girl, Victoria, who used to ride her bike up and down our street every day. She would do this for hours sometimes and one day I asked my mom why Victoria always rode her bike alone.” I pause as I try to remember the exact words my mom replied with. “My mom told me that sometimes being alone is more desirable than being in a roomful of people who aren’t there. I thought I understood what she meant by that, but it turns out I didn’t really understand it until now.”

I get back in bed and lie down as I await her response.

“Are you going back to sleep?” she asks.

“Not a chance. Did you sleep okay?”

“I haven’t slept at all and I have a class in two hours.”

I don’t say it aloud, but this is exactly why we need to break up. She already has enough to worry about without having to worry about what I’m doing or if I’m going to be pissed about what she’s doing.

“I would tell you to take a day off and get some rest, but I know you won’t.”

“I don’t want to go to class.”