Pieces of Summer(41)
Guilt. It’s the bane of my existence. And I’m choking on guilt when Aidan walks into my room—on the psych floor. My hands are restrained against the bedrails with the leather cuffs like I’m back in Kravitz’s hell. I’m doing well not to freak out, but the pressure is gone. I can’t believe… I hate myself for letting it get that far.
Overconfidence usually results in epic failure. I was definitely overconfident.
Aidan’s eyes are red and puffy, letting me know he’s been crying. That’s my fault. My brother has suffered enough because of me, and I just put him through this so that I could have a few weeks of the heaven I lost so long ago.
It was worth it to me just to be with Chase again. It’s all I ever dreamed about, and I’d be lying if I said otherwise. But it’s not worth it for Aidan, and I know it. It was selfish. And I was wrong to do this to him.
Tears fill my eyes when he gives me a forced, sad smile and sits down near my bed.
“I’ve talked to them and explained what’s going on. They’ll get these things off you once they speak to Dr. Stein,” he tells me hoarsely, motioning to my cuffs.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper, feeling a hot tear roll down my cheek.
Aidan immediately wipes away his own fresh tears and clears his throat several times.
“Dr. Stein is going to fly out here soon. She wants to have a face-to-face with you.” He reaches over and pushes my hair away from my face, and I feel another tear roll from my eye. “They won’t release you from these damn things until she’s evaluated you anyway. Then she’s going to stay with you for a while.”
“She can’t do that. She has other patients.”
“She’s passed them off onto someone else. She wants to devote her attention to you. Don’t worry, you’ll be paying her to compensate.”
He gives me a lopsided smile, but it doesn’t ease the tension surrounding us.
I just nod, unable to form anymore words without the fear of crying. I don’t want to cry in front of him. It’ll only hurt him worse.
“This is just a small setback,” he says with that same forced smile. “You’ll be fine after a while.”
He removes his hand and clasps his fingers together in his lap while staring at me like I’m the most pitiful thing he’s ever seen. I hate that look. I hate what I’ve put him through. Again.
“Do you ever wonder where you’d be if I hadn’t been hurt that night?” I ask him quietly.
He snorts derisively while shaking his head.
“You’re all I have Mika. I’d be wherever you are, regardless of the circumstances. Just you and me.”
“And Hunter,” I remind him, smiling like my heart isn’t breaking.
He nods, laughing lightly. “And Hunter. You two are my only family. Hell, my only friends.”
And that’s my fault too. He won’t ever tell me, but it’s because of me he doesn’t have friends. He’s too focused on me.
“Can you send Hunter in?” I ask him, ignoring the next tear that rolls down my cheek. “And give us a moment?”
He nods. “Yeah. I have some more paperwork to fill out anyway.”
As he leaves, I make a decision I never thought I’d have to. I can’t be selfish anymore. And Aidan refuses to make a decision that isn’t unselfish.
I’m toxic. To him. To Hunter. To everyone.
Just because I’m broken, it doesn’t mean that I have to break everyone else in my path. I’ve been under the illusion that one day I’d be better. That one day they’d be free of my burden.
I wish I was unselfish enough to just end it… End me. But I can’t. I’ve fought too hard to survive to just end it now. That doesn’t mean I can’t do something else to free them though.
Hunter walks in, pausing his steps when he sees me on my back and restrained by the leather cuffs. It’s incredibly vulnerable and pathetic looking, I know. It takes him a second to recover from the sight as he moves to the chair beside me where Aidan was sitting.
“How are you feeling?” he asks me, trying not to stare at the cuffs.
My stomach is on fire, and I can’t take pain medication. But obviously I don’t tell him that.
“Like a rockstar after he or she destroys a hotel room,” I say jokingly. He laughs, but I’m fairly sure it’s a pity laugh.
“Hate to do this, but can I ask you for a favor and complete secrecy?” I ask him.
His humor fades immediately, and he leans forward.
“Always. What do you need?”
“My bank account number is somewhere in my safe at the house. Will you check my balance and see if I have enough to purchase a different house. And will you find me one no farther than fifteen minutes from a town?”
He nods. “Yeah. At least that’s a bright side—location changes don’t disrupt you.”
Thank God for that. It’s at least one bit of normalcy inside my chaotic life.
“Why not ask Aidan? He knows all your bank info.”
“Because Aidan can’t know.”
My lips tighten as his brow furrows in confusion, but slowly realization sinks in.
“Ah hell, girl. Don’t do that to him. He won’t—”
“He won’t live his life until I’m not in it,” I say through strain as a few more tears start to fall. “I think I’ve proven I’m toxic. I’m not healthy for him or for you. Or anyone for that matter. But this is my problem and my life. He shouldn’t be carrying the weight of my issues on his shoulders.”
He shakes his head vehemently. “He’d never go for that. He loves you, Mika. It’s not a hardship. Trust me, I know. We want to be here for you.”
More tears start to fall, and I fight off the impending pity party.
“Please, Hunter. Please. If you don’t do this for me, I’ll have to ask someone else—someone who might not be as trustworthy with my banking info. So please.”
Tears brim in his eyes, but they don’t fall as he sits back and studies me. I’m on the verge of begging when he finally nods.
“This is going to kill him, Mika. You know that.”
“At first,” I admit. “But then he’ll finally get to have a life that doesn’t revolve around his crazy sister. He’s earned the right to live, and he’ll have you. You’ll be here for him. You two will have each other.”
“And who the fuck will you have?” he growls. “I’m not leaving you out there to go at this alone.”
“It’s my choice. Help me or don’t. I’m not putting anyone else through this anymore. At least this way you’ll still know where I am if I’m ever needed for anything—but I won’t be needing anyone. It is killing me to feel like I’m ruining everything and everyone around me.”
He holds his head back, as though he’s fighting off the tears, and I let mine freely run down my face, unable to wipe them away. Wordlessly, he stands and walks toward the door. He pauses at the doorway, almost as though he’s hesitating, but he doesn’t turn back around.
“This is the most selfish decision you’ve ever made, and I’m not doing it.” He turns to face me. “You’re not going anywhere without us, Mika. I’m sorry, but I just can’t let that happen. Guess you’ll just have to deal with letting us love you.”
He stalks out angrily, and a sob breaks free as I try to turn my face into the pillow to muffle it. I struggle against the restraints, getting nothing but resistance as more hot tears scald my cheeks. I hate this. I hate it all. It’s not… It’s not fucking fair.
Chapter 42
CHASE
“That James boy is just trouble waiting to happen,” I hear Mrs. Norris telling Mika, but I stay around the corner, just listening as I hold the ice cream cones in my hands. “Your father shouldn’t let you stay around him. You’re a good girl with a good future, yet every summer you two are glued to the hip. It’s not good for you.”
“Fuck off,” Mika groans, sounding annoyed. Painfully, I choke back a laugh.
The gasp of indignant horror from the high school teacher is loud. It’s rare we get out, but Mika wanted ice cream, and I wanted to feel what it was like to walk through town with my arm around her.
“See? He’s already influencing you! That’s not respect you’re showing me.”
“Respect is keeping your mouth shut about someone you know nothing about. So kindly… fuck off.”
My smile spreads, and that easiness in my chest settles in. She makes it all seem different. Nothing else fucking matters.
“You’ll see. When he proves he’s no better than his father or mother, you’ll see.”
“All I see is some incredibly bored woman trash talking a teenager because she gets her rocks off on stirring shit. Oh, and I see a woman who has probably fucked his father a few times. Mr. James has quite the reputation for more than just drinking.”
Another gasp widens my smile, and angry heels clicking against the pavement lets me know Mrs. Norris is leaving.
I turn the corner to see Mika smiling to herself, and remember why I’m in love with her. Instead of saying anything, I walk up and press my lips to hers, surprising her as I try to hold the ice cream away from us.