Perfect Chaos(36)

He slammed his fist into the tiled wall above my head. The look on his face was one I’d never seen before—ravaged. “Damn it. Talk to me.”

Oh, God. I wanted so desperately to tell him everything. I was cracking and yet I had nothing to give him. I couldn’t. It could kill him, and I’d never take that chance. It was all I had to give him.

Water dripped down his face, clothes soaking-wet, lips tight and yet in his eyes, I saw hurt. He was wounded and that was worse than the disappointment and the anger.

I didn’t care what happened to me; I was past that. What I cared about was the threat to Deck, because it was real. It had been pounded into my head since I was sixteen what would happen if I ever told anyone. Then when Deck came back, it was reiterated specifically for Deck. And he was the one person in this world I knew was capable of killing Deck. “Don’t ask me. Please.”

“Christ.” He pushed off from the wall and turned to leave. I reached for him; I didn’t know why. I should’ve let him go, but I needed him. I always did and now more than ever because I was crumbling. It wasn’t fair what I was doing to him, but I’d found out real young that life wasn’t fair and you had to suck it up and do what needed to be done to keep those you love safe.

The second my hand curled around his arm, he violently spun around. I thought he was going to push me away from him but instead, he pushed me against the wall then pressed his body hard against mine. His hands locked my wrists on either side of my head on the tiles.

He groaned just before his mouth crushed mine.

It was an assault. It was him wanting to hurt me. It was Deck taking and me submitting. Pain and need. It was being fed after starving for years. My thirst for him was so strong and unable to be quenched. I felt the tears streaming from my eyes as he continued to kiss me, tongue driving into my mouth. No forgiveness. No mercy.

Nothing prepared me for this kiss as he made me his, taking from me every ounce of myself and giving it to him. I sagged into him, my mouth sore and painful at his aggression.

It was what I wanted. What I expected from Deck. And yes, I deserved it to be painful. I wanted it to be painful, so it would make it real.

He abruptly broke away, but his chest remained against mine as we both breathed hard. His grip on my wrists tightened. I panted and stared at him, my vision blurred from the tears and the water that continued to pound into us. I closed my eyes, unable to face him knowing I’d lose the one man I wouldn’t survive without if I told him. But if I didn’t … I’d lose him anyway.

“Look. At. Me.”

I took my time opening my eyes and when I did, more tears escaped, sliding down my cheeks. It was then I saw his shoulders slump and it was like something cracked in him. I didn’t know how I knew, but Deck … I knew Deck, and I saw it with the way the tension around his mouth eased. How his hands uncurled. How his eyes softened as if the dark brown melted to warm milk chocolate.

“Baby, I can’t help you without knowing what’s happening.”

And that did it. A sob escaped and I lowered my head. I never expected his touch as he moved in and took hold of me. The comfort it gave me released the cries. His arms were warm and yet hard as he wrapped me in his cocoon of protectiveness. It became a release of everything.

It was like when I went to the shed and let go of all the emotions, except … there was no cutting. No memories. Just Deck. I felt safe with him, always had. No matter what haunted me, what lies I lived, Deck was my real.

The weight in my chest lifted as he held me and I cried. It wasn’t for me. It was for him and what I was doing to him. I had to protect him. This man who stole my heart at such a young age. But I didn’t know how anymore. I was afraid I couldn’t and that … that terrified me.

There were no words as he cradled me against his chest for a long time, his hand caressing my hair, water beating into his back and making a smacking sound as it soaked his shirt. “I can’t lose you,” I mumbled against him.

His arms tightened and he kept his hand on the back of my head to keep me from looking up at him. He didn’t say anything, and that scared me because Deck would never lie. He was his word. He was the type who would tell a girl she looked like shit if he thought she did.

And I was a complete lie.

Fresh tears spilled, indistinguishable from the water. He pulled back and I caught a glimpse of his face before he turned away. Haunted. Broken. God, was there fear in his eyes? Then that steel shield dropped, he became the Deck I was so familiar with. He was shutting down.

We were a lot alike. I hid behind a false persona, and he blocked his out.

I stood in the shower for a few minutes after he left, the water now cold, but I felt nothing. Nothing except Deck’s mouth still tingling on mine.