On Second Thought(75)

"You're welcome," I said. "I also accept gifts."

"You're very good with people, Miss O'Leary. Especially me."

"Well, I love you, so..."

He stopped. "Do you?"

"Afraid so."

He looked at my mouth, then back to my eyes. "Good," he said. "Good."  Then he kissed me again, and since it was Jonathan, I think we could  tell this was his way of saying I love you, too.





Chapter Thirty-Four

Kate

On the night of the Coburns' anniversary party, I was seven weeks  pregnant. The baby was about as big as a bean, or a blueberry, according  to the internet. Disturbing that they always compared it to food.  She-or he, the sex was already decided, though I wasn't sure I wanted to  find out-was ten thousand times bigger than when she began. In five  weeks, my chances of miscarriage would plummet, and I was counting the  hours. Just eight hundred and thirty-three to go.

My breasts were sore, and I was still tired a lot. In fact, I fell  asleep at my desk the other day and woke up in a puddle of drool,  another fun pregnancy symptom.

I loved the baby so much it was like living in another dimension. My  little traveler had replaced Ollie as the creature I talked to the most.

My plan was to get through tonight, which was going to be horrifically  difficult on its own. Later this week, I'd tell the Coburns I was moving  back to Brooklyn and get out of Cambry-on-Hudson before I started  showing. The urge to disappear into Brooklyn and simply never contact  them again was strong, if wrong.

This pregnancy would hurt them so much.

In two months, my tenants' lease would be up, and I could move back to  my apartment and start the next phase of my unexpectedly complicated,  sad, wonderful life. Daniel was campaigning for me to live with him  until then; he had a second bedroom. I was thinking about it.         

     



 

He'd been great these past few weeks. He called every night and came  over at least once a week. One day, I found the fridge full of fresh  vegetables and a roasted chicken. He left me little presents, like a  huge vat of Tums-I had wicked heartburn-and a nice almond-scented shower  gel. A gift certificate for a pedicure. You could tell the guy had four  sisters.

This would be my last regular night in the house. Tomorrow, Ainsley and I  were going to start packing my things. Not that there were too  many-mostly clothes and a few photos.

I'd miss it here, the house that never felt like mine. It had always  been like winning a vacation in a fabulous place you could never afford.  But the few short months of my marriage had happened here. Every day of  our marriage, Nathan and I came back here. Slept here. Made love here.

The spike shoved through my throat once again.

It was time to get dressed. I had a navy blue gown to wear, a simple V-neck.

The dress looked a lot different compared to the last time I'd worn it  (also to the Cambry-on-Hudson Lawn Club, to another fund-raiser),  courtesy of my pregnancy boobs, but it was too late to try to find  something else. I put on a necklace Nathan had given me-a single dark  gray, iridescent pearl on a silver chain. My wedding band and engagement  ring.

I'd have to stop wearing those. The spike turned again.

I had the architectural plans finished, rolled up and tied up with a  gold ribbon. The Coburns had asked me to come early so we could all  drink a toast to Nathan first.

I picked up the picture of the two of us from last fall, the selfie I'd  taken, me over his shoulder, kissing his cheek. For the first time since  he'd died, I really studied it. It had been September, a year ago.

He looked happy. A little unsure, maybe? It was hard to tell, knowing what Madeleine had said, reading those emails.

"Time to go," I whispered to my bean-sized embryo.

* * *

The Coburns, Brooke and Chase, and I were ushered into a private room at  the Club. We all kissed each other on both cheeks-it took a while.

"Kate, deah," Eloise said. "Thank you so much for coming. I know how hard this is for you."

"Oh, I...I wouldn't miss it," I said.

"You look beautiful," Chase said kindly. He was a nice man. "And, Kate,  about the house...thank you. It will mean so much to the boys. It means  so much to Brooke."

"Well," I said. "It felt like the right thing." I forced a smile,  inwardly cringing. I'd also donated Nathan's life insurance to the  Coburns' scholarship fund. Anonymously.

A waiter handed out glasses of champagne, then left, and we all stood around, not making eye contact.

"It's hard to celebrate this year," Mr. Coburn began, and Chase put his  arm around Brooke, who immediately began to cry. "But I'm grateful to  you, my love." He turned to Eloise, tears in his eyes. "Thank you for  fifty years. Thank you for our daughter. Thank you for our son." He  raised his glass, his hand shaking. "To Eloise," he said, the tears  tracing down his wrinkled cheeks.

"To Eloise," we echoed.

She looked so dignified and beautiful...and tragic. Her whole life was  written on her face, the smiles, the love for her children and  grandchildren, the pain of her unfathomable loss.

"To our son," she said, and then they were in each other's arms, sobbing quietly.

I bent my head. Oh, Nathan, please help them, I prayed.

"He loved you all so much," I said. "He was so proud to be your son and  brother." Eloise glanced at me gratefully, and Brooke squeezed my hand.

Then, from my purse, I heard the buzz of a text. Shit! Daniel was  supposed to drop the swing off here. But I'd forgotten to text him  earlier so he could get here before the Coburns. Just plain forgot, one  of the many fun symptoms of pregnancy. I checked my phone discreetly.  Yep.

When do you want me to drop off the swing? I'm in the parking lot. Are you here yet?

"Mama," Brooke said, her voice ragged, "I have something for you." She  went to the table and picked up a gift-wrapped package. "Open it."

It was a family portrait, taken at our engagement party. The eight of  us-Nathan and me, Mr. and Mrs. Coburn, Brooke and Chase and the boys,  standing stiffly, a rather terrible shot, slightly blurry. Brooke's eyes  were closed, and Atticus was out of focus, and I looked uncomfortable  (because I had been). Nathan's arm was around me.

It was the only picture I'd seen of all of us.

"Oh, darling, it's perfect," Eloise said, and they hugged, too, Brooke's shoulders shaking.

This was agony.         

     



 

"Kate?" Chase asked. "You have something, too, right?" He nodded at the scroll I'd left on the table.

"Yes, yes," I said, breaking out of my inertia. "Here." I handed them  the plans. "One of Nathan's coworkers put the finishing touches on, but  this is from... This is from Nathan. He wanted you to modify the house a  little."

"Nathan did this?" Mr. Coburn asked as Chase and I unrolled the blueprints.

"You remember, darling," Eloise said. "He wanted us to have a bedroom  downstairs for when we're older. I didn't realize he...he'd started."  Her chest started to hitch, but she pressed her hand against her heart.  "Kate, this is so thoughtful. Thank you, darling. Oh, look. A porch! He  knew I always wanted a covered porch." She reached out and grabbed my  hand. "Kate, thank you. Thank you, deah."

"You're welcome," I whispered.

"I had a dream he came to the house for lunch," she said, her voice faraway. "It was so wonderful to see him..."

"Mr. and Mrs. Coburn," said one of the club staffers from the doorway. "Your guests have begun to arrive."

"We should get out there," Eloise said. "Is everyone ready? As ready as  we'll ever be, I suppose." She gave a smile that wobbled at first, then  grew stronger, and I admired her more than I could ever possibly say.

It was a relief to get out of that room of pain and loss. Older people  in tuxes and gowns streamed in, and I hugged the edge of the foyer,  trying to make it outside without having to talk to anyone. The smell of  perfume was thick, and a wave of nausea rolled over me. Outside, one of  the staff was directing people inside, welcoming them to the party.

"Is there a man in a pickup truck around here?" I asked.

"Around the corner of the building," the kid said. He smelled horribly  of Axe body spray, and another heavy wave of nausea rolled up my legs,  into my gut. Oh, God, I was going to throw up. Walking as fast as I  could, I saw Daniel's truck at the kitchen entrance. He was leaning  against the tailgate.

"Hey," he said. "You look amazing."

I puked on his work boots.

His arm went around me, guiding me to the passenger side of the truck so  I'd have a little privacy, anyway. Not that I could think much, as my  insides tried to surge up my throat.

Good thing I'd worn my hair up, I thought distantly. Daniel pulled the  hem of my dress out of the way as I retched until I was clean. Then he  sat me down on the passenger seat, opened the glove box and handed me a  Dunkin' Donuts napkin so I could wipe my mouth.