On Second Thought(70)

"I said no, idiot."

That stopped him. "Oh."

"And it wasn't because of you, either, so don't think that."

He blinked. "Why was it, then?"

"Because! Because he's a self-centered, narcissistic ass-pain who didn't  appreciate all the love I gave him and thought there was something  better out there and now he's found out that there's not, but you know  what? Too little, too late."

"I see."

"Yes, you should see! Did you really think I'd get back together with him?"

"I probably shouldn't have-"

I jammed my hands on my hips. "Well, why wouldn't you? You have no idea  who I am, do you? You made me sign that paper so I wouldn't sue you, as  if I would. And you make us date in secret. And you won't let your kids  see me, which I actually respect. Still, it hasn't escaped my attention  that you're probably 60 percent in love with me and 40 percent positive  I'm a terrible idea. So don't worry, Jonathan. I'm not counting on you  for anything. I didn't tear Eric a new orifice because I have a secret  boyfriend. I did it for me. He doesn't deserve me."         

     



 

"Got it."

"By the way, I quit."

The grandfather clock ticked from the living room. Ollie dragged a throw pillow off the couch and curled up on it.

"Yeah," I said more quietly. "I quit. It's time, don't you think?"

"I...I don't know."

"I do." He was standing very, very still, and it occurred to me that he  hadn't contradicted me once. "I would still like to date you, by the  way," I said. "Even if we're only dating 60 percent."

"Good."

That one word made my heart swell almost painfully. "I'm leaving now," I said.

"Very well."

"I'll give you two weeks' notice so you can find someone else."

The almost-smile struck again. "I appreciate that."

"Okay, I'm really leaving. I want to ride this wave of moral indignation."

He grinned then, and I couldn't help it, I smiled back. Then I got my  dog and left, feeling more proud of myself than I had in a long, long  time.

* * *

That night, Candy came over, and she and Kate and I made dinner and then  Skyped with Sean and Kiara and the kids, which was ridiculous because  he lived forty-five minutes away and could, one imagined, get in his  damn car once in a while and visit his family.

Still, it was worth it to see Sadie blowing us kisses and showing us her  stuffed animals, and to get a glimpse of Esther and Matthias, who  graced us with hellos.

Then there was a knock on the door. "I'll get it," I said, though I was already in my Yertle the Turtle pajamas.

It was Jonathan.

"Oh, Jonathan! Hello!" Candy said.

"Hello, Dr. O'Leary," he said. "Kate."

"Hi, Jonathan," she said, a smile in her voice.

"What can I do for you, boss?" I asked.

He took my face in his hands and kissed me. A deep, thorough, fantastic kiss that made my heart turn into hot caramel goo.

"Well, this is surprising," I dimly heard my mother say.

He pulled back and looked at me with those beautiful, changing eyes. "Sixty-five," he said.

"Excuse me?" My voice was husky.

"Sixty-five percent, at least. Possibly sixty-seven." Then he looked  over my shoulder. "Good night, ladies," he said and then left, glancing  back at me with a smile.

Sixty-seven, huh?

I'd take it.





Chapter Thirty

Kate

August was a long month. Maybe there was something to what my mother had  said about milestones, because I found myself looking forward to the  fall, to the end of this year, the year Nathan died. To next spring,  when it would be a year, when my head would be clearer and I'd know what  to do. Because these days, my brain was fuzzy and the heat pressed down  on me, and all I wanted to do was nap.

"Perfectly normal," LuAnn said in grief group. "You leave the house with the wrong clothes sometimes, am I right?"

"Grief is wearying," Lileth, the social worker, said in her singsong voice.

"Fucking exhausting if you ask me," LuAnn said.

Leo wasn't there this week. His presence had been sporadic lately, which  we knew was a good sign. George, too, had been absent; he'd had lunch a  few times with Gram-Gram, in fact. Ainsley's doing, of course.

My sister had left her job, started work at the Blessed Bean and was  taking two classes at the community college. She wanted to be a nurse,  she thought, and in my opinion, she'd be perfect-so energetic and sweet,  so eager to take care of people.

I heard all about Eric, and I loved her so much for her ferocity. A year  ago, I never thought I'd say it, but I admired my little sister more  than just about anyone else. She had the biggest heart of anyone I knew.  She had convictions, and she put her money where her mouth was.

And it was awfully nice to see her and Jonathan together. He watched her  closely; I wasn't sure if she noticed, but he barely took his eyes off  her. She blushed a lot around him. I liked that, too.

The Coburns' anniversary benefit was a few weeks away, and I had to get  the porch swing from Daniel. If he'd finished it. If not, I still had  the plans for their house expansion finished; Phoebe had done the job  for me (and cried when she came here to drop the plans off).

That party would be an incredibly difficult event.

I missed Daniel. Our little friendship hadn't felt little at all.

Last week, I turned forty and asked Ainsley and my parents not to do  anything for it. Ainsley had left a little gift-an antique heart  locket-and a Carvel ice cream cake in the freezer and said nothing.

Sean had needed no prompting to forget my birthday; he never remembered.  I got a card from Kiara signed with all five of their names and the  message Happier times ahead, my darling sister-in-law. She was awfully  wonderful. Sean didn't deserve her.         

     



 

I slept and I ate and I waited, though for what, I wasn't really sure.  The Nikon stayed on the shelf. Every day that passed made it harder to  bear the thought of looking at the last pictures ever taken of Nathan,  my gentle, sweet husband of ninety-six days.

I didn't see Madeleine again. I hoped that would remain true for the  rest of my life. Honestly, I felt sorry for her. She really had loved  Nathan, and she'd lost him, just like I had. The fact that she'd been a  royal bitch, well...people told themselves what they needed to. If  Nathan had kept a secret from me, what could I do about it? I was just  too tired to carry it anymore.

"I forgive you, Nathan," I said to the empty air one night when Ainsley was at Jonathan's. "If you loved Madeleine, it's okay."

I listened for an answer. Nothing, as usual.

With a sigh, I got up to make myself a milk shake, because I was a  widowed adult and who cared if I gained thirty pounds, and also the I  can't eat phase of grief had passed. So yeah, a milk shake would be just  the ticket.

The windows and doors were all open, and the crickets made a deafening  chorus along with the katydids, always the sound of summer's end.

A year ago today, Nathan and I had been on four dates.

I scooped out the ice cream into the milk shake maker-Nathan had been in  love with kitchen gadgetry, so of course we had one. Added milk and  some vanilla, and pushed Start. I waited till it was done, then took the  cold metal glass and sipped the drink. Perfect. Nice and cold.

And then I smelled his cologne, smelled him, and my whole body tingled  in a warm, strange wave. I froze, then inhaled again slowly.

Yes. That was his smell. That was Nathan's smell. And oh, God, I missed it.

"Honey?" I whispered. Not that I expected an answer. The tingle was still rolling over me.

I love you, I thought with all my heart.

Then it-he-faded away, and it was just me and the katydids again. I  closed my eyes, inhaled again, but now there was just the smell of  vanilla.

"Thank you," I said, my voice squeaking a little.

Madeleine had said that he visited her. Maybe he did. If Nathan was as  wonderful as I thought he was, then yeah, he'd visit everyone.

I hoped he visited Brooke. And Atticus and Miles. And God, I hoped he visited his parents.

Be happy, Nathan. Don't worry about me too much. I'm fine.

* * *

The afternoon of the Re-Enter Center's art show, I was at the studio just after a shoot, and my phone buzzed with a text.

Hey, Kate. Just wanted to say I hope I see you tonight. I'm almost done  with the swing for your in-laws and I should have it in time for the  party, no problem. We've known each other for a long time. Let's not be  dicks about sleeping together, okay?

Daniel

the hot firefighter

I laughed. Kind of loved that he signed his name that way. I wrote back:

Okay, hot firefighter. See you later. And thank you for not being a dick.

I went home to get ready. Ainsley was coming, too, which was really  nice. Paige would be there, too, but the thought didn't bother me.

I took a shower with my special lemon soap, which smelled extra nice  today. Felt a little...happy. Maybe it was the notion that I'd felt  Nathan's presence the other night. Maybe I'd just turned a corner. I had  loved Nathan, but I didn't have years of memories together, which was  both crushing and...well...easier.