Numbers (New Species #14-15)(40)

Torrent hesitated a second more but then left with Breeze and Jinx. They didn’t fully close the door. He finally allowed himself to look at Candi. She watched him with deep sorrow. He could relate.
“I understand.” They were difficult words to speak, but the adult in him won out over the youthful, heartbroken male he’d once been. “I might have done the same to save you, if I’d been forced to decide.”
“Can you forgive me?”
He answered truthfully. “I don’t know. It’s still a raw wound. I am sorry you suffered.”
She reached up and wiped at her tears. “Can I hold you?”
“No.” He couldn’t allow her to get that close.
She reacted as if he’d struck her, actually flinching. He hated having that effect on her, but didn’t think he could withstand her touch. There were too many painful memories attached to it. He was still digesting that she wasn’t dead and the full knowledge of what had happened that day she’d stepped into his room with the stench of a male coming from her. It had totally masked her scent, strong enough that he’d known she’d been mounted. She had belonged to another instead of him. At least, that’s what he’d believed she’d come to tell him.
“I need time.”
“Time?” Her expression changed to one of raw anger. “How long has it been since we saw each other? Do you know? There was no sense of time where I’ve been, but I know years have passed. I see it in your face, and my own. We’ve aged so much.” She took a ragged breath. “They stole our future together. I hate time. It passes so slowly. Every second seems like a minute. Every minute, a week. Every week, a month. Every year, an eternity. I’m right here. We’re alive. You’re in front of me. Don’t do this.”
“Do what?”
“We’re alive,” she repeated. “Nothing is stopping us from being together. It’s all we ever wanted.” She stepped closer. “I’m right here.”
“Everything has changed,” he whispered, almost wishing it wasn’t true.
She staggered a little. He tensed, wanting to go to her, but held back when she stabilized her balance. An agonized whimper came from her, the hurt reflected on her face, in her eyes.
“You share your space with a female?”
She thought he was in a relationship. “No.”
“Have you mounted females?”
He debated answering, not wanting to hurt her. He knew that kind of pain and had lived with the memory of betrayal. It was hellish to feel the burn of jealousy and that kind of rage, to know another had touched what belonged to him.
His silence seemed to tell her what words couldn’t. She spun away and hugged her middle, bending a little as if it caused her physical pain. He found himself halfway across the room before he brought his need to console her under wraps. He backed up, his hands clenching into fists.
“I thought you were dead. Dr. C told me I killed you.”
“Of course.” Her whisper came out so softly that he barely heard it.
Guilt and regret mingled, knowing of the suffering she must feel, but he couldn’t handle it so he stuck to talking about the past. “The chain…” He shuddered at the memory of all that blood after she fell. “I just wanted to get to you. I didn’t mean for it to strike your head.”She reached up and touched the old scar, and then quickly dropped that arm to hug her middle again. “I know you didn’t mean to do that. You wanted my throat.”
He flinched. “I did.” He wouldn’t deny it. “I wake up in a cold sweat often, wondering what I’d have done if I’d reached you. I just know for certain what I did when you fell and I saw your blood.”
“Did it help you heal?”
He snarled.
She spun, looking at him.
“Is that what you think? That I watched you bleed with satisfaction?”
“It was your right.”
“I lost the ability to think.” It was an easy admission. “They took the only thing I cared about and my mind couldn’t take it.”
“You wanted to kill me. I understood. I still do.”
“I threw myself on the floor to reach you since my leg chains wouldn’t allow anything else, and dragged you closer, begging the technicians to get help. I’ve never been so afraid in my life. I put pressure on the wound, trying to stop the bleeding. I would have died to exchange places with you. I prayed to that god you told me about that they’d be able to fix you so you’d be well. The sight of you on that floor bleeding killed my rage. It gave me fear and loathing of what I’d done. Not one day has passed where I have found peace or forgiveness for believing I’d killed you.”
“Until now. I’m alive.”
“I’m glad.”
“You would never harm a female.”
He closed his eyes and clenched his teeth. “I’ve killed females.”
He heard her sharp intake of breath. It was his burden of guilt to bear for the rest of his life. Candi being alive was just one less, but there were others.
“I don’t believe you.”
He met her beautiful gaze. “Some of the techs took me from Mercile to another place. It was a very dark time in my life. They brought me a human female for a breeding experiment. The doctor in charge knew of our past and figured I’d accept one since I was raised with you. They were hurting her. I could hear her screams from where I was kept. They injected her with drugs that would make her more fertile and then brought her to me. She was hysterical, hurting herself trying to get away from me by smashing her body against the bars. I felt the monster they claimed me to be.” He paused. “I didn’t do it because I hated humans or that female. I snapped her neck.”
He braced, waiting to see her sickened expression. It would set her free of him though, learning the truth. She wouldn’t want to be anywhere near him.
“You didn’t want her to suffer.” She offered sympathy instead. 
“How do you know that?” It surprised him. Even other Species had been wary, asking him questions when they learned what had happened after he’d been rescued with Tammy. They’d understood, and told him to forgive himself, but Candi should have been appalled. She’d been treated better than a Species, but less than human at Mercile.
“I know you. You’d never take a life for no reason.”
Her trust in him, her faith, humbled him. “They would have killed her anyway. I could hear them talking. Two of the males planned to rape her when her use was up. They didn’t believe the drugs would work to make it possible for them to successfully breed us. One of them was sick in his mind, boasting about the pain and humiliation he’d cause her. I didn’t want to add to her pain by making her endure me first. I was also afraid the drugs might work. No child should be created and have to face what they had in mind to do to it. I made it painless and fast.” He fought nausea. “Then they brought me another. I did the same to her. The third was different. She smelled of a Species and I let her live because she asked me to. We spoke and I had hoped that we’d be freed. Her mate came hunting for her.”
“You mounted a female who belonged to another male?”
That seemed to shock her more than him admitting to the lives he’d taken. He shook his head. “No. We were able to survive until Tammy’s mate found us.”
The silence between them became uncomfortable. He wanted to know about what had happened to her after she’d been taken away, but he wasn’t sure he could handle the answers if they were too terrible. All he knew was that she’d been kept in an asylum. Those were places they kept humans with disabilities of the mind.
“Do you want me to leave?”
He was confused and lost. “I don’t know what I want.”
Chapter Four

Candi knew she should leave. She wasn’t welcome but she couldn’t find the desire to go. The man she loved stood eight feet away and all she wanted was to throw her arms around him. It was everything she’d fantasized about, if she could go back in time before his supposed death. It had kept her strong when she felt weak, courageous when she’d been terrified, and whole when she knew inside that her sanity seemed to be fracturing into a million pieces. To get revenge for his loss had been her motivation to live and keep fighting.
“I killed.” He didn’t seem to believe her. His expression was half frown, half scowl. “That’s how I escaped. It was the doctor who kept me locked up. She was taking me out of the asylum to the woods to kill me after Christopher died. He couldn’t pay her anymore to keep me prisoner so she had to get rid of me. I stabbed her in the chest. You might have killed to spare suffering, but I did it for payback.”
“You killed?”
She paused, giving him time to absorb that information. “I also knew the chances of me being caught before I could find Homeland were higher if she lived. She would have had orderlies hunting for me. I won’t lie though. It felt good to kill her. I hated her. It was mostly rage. I could have locked her in the trunk or tied her up after the first time I hurt her, but she deserved to die. I don’t feel guilt.”
He still didn’t seem convinced, but said nothing more, just studied her, his gaze roaming up and down her body.
She glanced down, trying to see what he did. She had lost a lot of weight. “They kept me heavily medicated most of the time. I slept for so long, in and out of it. It’s tough to eat when you can’t even walk. They used to give me shots, but then switched to pills because my veins weren’t accepting the needles as well. I’d try to hide the pills at first, not knowing it would make me sick.”“You’re sick?” He didn’t look happy about that news.