No Longer Safe(86)

‘Oh – they think it’s Brody?’

‘Yeah – they’re sending divers down today. I didn’t really want to go and look, but if you— ’

‘No, no, no,’ I said. ‘I’m just…you know…interested. Obviously, I want the police to find him – but it might not…’ I stopped before I gave myself away.

‘Malcolm and I are going out shortly – I’ve got my camera and he’s got his paints, but if you wanted to meet up later, I could come and collect you?’

I didn’t know if I could face it. The police would have found the body by then – I dreaded to think what state he’d be in – but one thing was for sure, they’d know it wasn’t Brody.

Nina would want to tell me all about it and I didn’t know if I could keep up with the mock surprise, They found a man, not the boy? I told her I’d call her later and thanked her for the offer.

As Stuart and I walked back to the Land Rover, I felt completely disconnected from myself. I felt dangerous, on the edge. I didn’t trust myself to say anything, because I couldn’t guarantee that my words wouldn’t run away with me and my mouth wouldn’t spill out all kinds of revelations about my misdemeanours in the last nine days. Was it only nine days since I’d got here and my life had become one long surreal nightmare?

Stuart took me on a scenic route back to the cottage. It was starting to snow again, as I knew it would. I sat back and let everything wash over me; his idle chatter, the bare trees and patchwork fields, the vacant road winding ahead of us. I coiled in on myself, thinking and thinking about what was going to happen next. Stuart took it that I was horrified and confused with the revelation about Karen and didn’t appear to expect any conversation in return.

The divers would find Charlie. The police would go round all the cottages asking about him. They’d check the byre again. They’d look through the remains of the bonfire. They’d find something. Someone might identify Karen or me from the boat.

I needed to warn her. This was happening right now and we had to deal with it – regardless of what Karen had done in the past. We needed to run through our story again. I needed her steely resolve, because I could feel mine unravelling.

I gave Stuart a firm hug at the front door, but didn’t invite him in. I felt appalling guilt for keeping from him the one thing he was here to find out.

‘I just need…you know…to let things sink in…’ I said. Part of me wanted to tell him the truth, but somehow the words refused to form. I had too much to lose.

He seemed to expect nothing more. He brushed my cheek with his hand and said he’d call later.

The three of them were in the sitting room. Mel was in the sling, tucked against Karen’s body, asleep.

‘Come and play cards,’ Mark called out. ‘Small stakes, nothing too risky.’

‘It’s okay, thanks,’ I said wearily. ‘Karen…?’

‘What?’ She looked up, holding her cards in a fan in front of her. I barely dared to look at her – unable to square the intelligent, poised and captivating woman I had known with someone who had apparently been tried, convicted and spent time in jail.

‘Can you come…a minute?’

‘What is it now?’ she huffed, standing up, trying not to disturb the baby.

I led her upstairs, out of earshot of the others and told her the news.

‘They’re going to find him…they’re going to find him…’ I chanted. Everything was collapsing.

‘Keep your voice down,’ she snapped.

‘Shit – the police will check for blood. They use special lights and it comes up blue.’

‘Shush – calm down. We burnt the rug.’

‘What about underneath it?’ Panic was bolting up to the surface. ‘The blood could have soaked through.’

‘It was dry, clean. Honestly.’

‘But, we’ll have left traces on the carpet when we dragged him down the stairs, won’t we?’ We couldn’t burn the stair carpet.

She sighed heavily as if I was overreacting. ‘They have no idea he was here,’ she said. ‘Just wipe that whole story from your mind – finding him, moving him to the byre, taking him to the lake. We don’t know his name. We don’t know a thing, okay? He was never here.’

If only it was that easy. I didn’t want to tell her Stuart was looking for him – I didn’t think that would go down too well.

‘What if they find something – his shoe might have slipped off, or—’

She cut me off. ‘They won’t find anything.’ She took a step towards me. I flinched, expecting her to grab me again. ‘Don’t let me down on this, alright? Don’t cock it up!’