Night Shifts Black(48)

         
       
        

"So this is it. You in your native habitat."

He grins, pointing his sticks at me.

"Be prepared to be amazed."

"I already am," I laugh, loving his expression.

He takes a pass at his drums, and I shake my head in disbelief. If this is the warm up, I can't even imagine what's coming next.

Mara had kept her word, and Casey has his computer and keyboard set up on the table near him. There are also several chairs and a cart with water in a bowl of ice, as well as, fruit, crackers, and an assortment of other snacks.

I had retrieved my own laptop from the room and intend to keep up my end of the bargain as I take a seat by the door.

"So you ready to do this, or what?" Eli asks. "Sweeny and I listened to the track a bunch last night. I think we're ready to go."

Casey and Luke exchange a glance and a nod. "We're ready," Luke replies with a shrug. "Let's run through the intro and get a quick sound check."

Casey nods and counts off.



∞∞∞



For the first twenty minutes I don't move. I'm sure my jaw is on the floor, although I try to disguise it as much as possible. They start and stop dozens of times, discussing and debating changes to things I thought sounded amazing. But of course, after the debate, it sounds even more amazing. I still can't believe I'm here, witnessing history. No, being a part of history. It's my words Luke is belting into the microphone, even though I know I never would have dreamed they could have an impact like this. Luke and Casey have turned my little poem into a masterpiece, and I can't stop the chills coursing through me at each new surprise. I hadn't understood Casey's initial demo the way the others had. Now, engulfed in the real song, I'm completely speechless. And yet, Casey still doesn't seem happy when we break for dinner a couple hours later.

I had ordered food for them, at the risk of Casey's wrath, but I didn't think they'd want to break long enough to go out. I guessed right as Casey comes over with a weak smile.

"Thanks, Callie," he says, grabbing a sandwich from the cart. "You didn't have to do this."

"Just don't yell at me," I tease, and he shakes his head. "You guys sound amazing," I add, sensing his frustration.

"Yeah?" But I can tell he doesn't agree.

I nod. "What is it? What's wrong?"

He shrugs, and glances over at the other three who are laughing and talking. They don't seem nearly as upset as he is. He sets down his plate and leads me outside the room.

He's quiet for a moment, and I'm filled with concern. 

"Casey, what's wrong? Are you not happy with the song?"

"No, it's not that. I mean, the song is going well, great actually, it's just … " he stops, and my heart breaks at the way his face falls. I instinctively squeeze his arm, and he looks back at me, almost haunted. "This is killing me, Callie," he whispers.

I stare at him in shock. "What is? What do you mean?"

He sucks in his breath and waves back at the door. "This. Having Luke back. What if it's not for real? What if this is it? I don't think I can handle losing him again. I don't want to do this without him anymore. I can't."

I hug him. I have to, and his arms tighten around me. "Do you think it's not?"

"I don't know," he says quietly against my hair. "He seems sincere, like he's happy to be back, but what if … I don't know. What if we wake up tomorrow and learn this was it, all we're getting?"

"You need to tell him this," I say, pulling back and searching his eyes. "He needs to know how important he is."

Casey bites his lip and nods, gazing back at the doorway. "He just needs to come back."



∞∞∞



They get back to work, and I continue on my own project. I'm haunted by Casey's words, and watch the next session from a different vantage point this time. I can see Casey's concerned glances at Luke, almost longing, and feel awful for never even considering how hard this must be for him. To get a brutal reminder of what was, a small taste of what could be, and yet, know there's a chance this is the end. That after tonight they go back to the empty shell of what they should be.

I remember Casey's harsh critique at breakfast the first time we'd met. When he'd blasted Luke for leaving them and sentencing them to a fraction of what they should have been. I hadn't really understood then. I didn't know what music meant to them. I'd thought it was about money and fame and the fact that Luke's absence meant no more big stadium concerts. But now, watching Casey's expression and knowing everything I do about him, about both of them, I realize there is nothing shallow about Casey's pain at losing Luke. It's not about any of that. It's about a broken connection that removed a piece of him and the chance to reach his own potential as an artist. They are both brilliant, but together they are untouchable.

I can't help but think about what it must be like to watch someone you care about so much, your brother, your best friend, self-destruct so completely. My own broken heart is only a flesh wound compared to what this last year must have been like for Casey. To lose his sister, his friend, his music, and the enormous chunk of his identity wrapped up in those things. I feel my own heart constricting at the thought, the chills from what this exact moment means to Luke, but especially Casey. I can't even imagine how hard it must be to have Luke back only to know there's no guarantee it's real, that his other half won't follow him out of this room. And then the emotion starts to swell within me, that painful throb in my chest that can only be relieved one way.

I stare at my blank screen and start to write.



∞∞∞



We all work late into the night. The guys on their song. Me, on the spewing of my heart. By the time they call it quits, I can tell they're happy with their efforts and feeling good about Friday's recording session, especially given the fact that they still have tomorrow to work.

Eli and Sweeny want to go out and celebrate, but the rest of us aren't up for it. They leave us at the lobby, and Luke, Casey, and I continue the journey to 403.



       
         
       
        

"Saw you working like crazy. Looked intense," Casey comments with a smile as we exit on the fourth floor.

I blush a little and nod. "Yeah, I had some stuff I had to get out."

"Can I see it?"

"Once we get inside."

He understands, and Luke opens the door.

"You guys sounded great. Unbelievable, actually," I say once we're inside.

"You think?" Luke asks, and I nod.

"Absolutely. As a psycho fangirl, totally impressed."

He laughs and shakes his head.

"Well, good. Thanks for guarding the door."

"Any time."

"So what's this new piece?" Casey asks, and I can see I have Luke's interest, too.

I swallow, the mood immediately shifting. It's a hard one, painful, and I'm not sure we're ready for it. But maybe we don't have a choice anymore.

I offer a weak smile as they sit at the stools, studying me.

I open up my laptop and stare at the screen, scanning the words as my heart races.

I glance up and meet their expressions, suddenly captivated by the same overwhelming feelings that gripped me downstairs during the rehearsal.

"Watching you guys … together, how incredible you were, and yet, thinking that it was almost lost … I was … I don't know. So full of love and fear and regret at the same time." I feel the tears coming again out of nowhere and try to blink them away. "Do you two even know how amazing you are? I mean, not just individually, but together. I had no idea. It was breathtaking and so sad at the same time."

I can tell they have no idea how to respond to my unexpected outburst, and Casey especially looks affected after our earlier conversation.

"I wrote this for both of you," I say quietly. I draw in a deep breath. "It's called 'Laughing Stock.'" I turn the laptop around on the counter so they can read, and grip the edge of the granite.



"It's not funny how far you've strayed, I'll say it one time

I can tell by your smile you know I'm right, still you hide behind the lie.

It's not funny how far you've strayed, I'll say it this time.

I can tell by your eyes you know what I mean, still you find a reason to fight, but you'll never cry.



How can you believe it's easier to be alone than feel loved?

You fear the embrace of a friend, yet welcome your enemies' hands as they beat down.

You listen for proof that no one understands you, but we do

And it's killing me.



It's not funny to see how well you ignore the signs. 

By the pain in your eyes I can see you're fading.

Still you try, you're losing the fight.



You're no better for falling apart

Being alone won't make you stronger

You'll fall harder the more space you put between us

But I'll catch you, oh I'll catch you.



How can you believe it's easier to feel alone than feel loved?

You fear the embrace of a friend, yet welcome your enemies' hands as they beat down.

You listen for proof that no one understands you, but I do

And it's killing me. It's killing me!