Night Shifts Black(37)

"What are you watching?" he asks as he rifles through Luke's drawers.

"Absolute Descent," I answer. He glances at me quickly, then returns to the drawers.

"Any good?"

"So far it's fine," I return. "Just started fifteen minutes ago."

"Can I sit?" he asks.

I want to say no, but it's not my call. It's Luke's, and I can feel his questioning gaze, which is why I realize I'm completely screwed because Casey Barrett is my problem, not his.

"Sure, man. We can go out to the living room if you want."

Casey shrugs. "No, this is fine. There's room."

I almost openly glare at him when he chooses my side of the bed instead of Luke's. I have to suck in my irritated grunt as I adjust so he can sit beside me. Again, I can feel Luke's satisfied smirk on my other side, and now I want to smack both of them.

"Are we finally settled?" Luke asks.

"All good," Casey assures him, and I don't like how close he is. I gave him plenty of room to give me plenty. Instead his arm is resting against mine, his leg, his hip, the heat of his body spreading through me, the clean scent of his shampoo filling my head with brutal images of him in the shower. I'm so angry I'm sure I'm scraping enamel from my teeth.

The movie hasn't resumed for more than two minutes before it happens. Suddenly, my hand is brushed by his. Gently at first, so I think maybe it was an accident. But his gaze turns on me, I can feel it, then a more intentional touch. Furious, I finally blast him with a look that contains all the fire raging inside me.

He doesn't shrink, however, instead only grabbing my fingers, holding firm as I instinctively try to pull away. His eyes continue to stare into mine, searching, waiting for me to calm down. To forgive him. To understand something.

"If you two need to be alone … " Luke teases, and I flinch, my face on fire. I don't know what to do. I'm so confused. I'm still mad at Casey. No, I want to be mad at him, but I'm not. He has me burning with a different kind of fire again. The kind that will get me in trouble if I don't temper it with reality. I don't understand why he's doing this to me. Why Luke is encouraging it.

I yank my hand away.

"I'm going to go get a drink," I say, sliding off the far edge of the bed.

"Callie … "

I don't hesitate this time, and exit into the hallway just in time to hear, "I don't know what you did, but you need to go fix this."

I know Casey is following me. I can hear him, sense his presence, and when I get to the living room I spin around to confront him. But my angry words catch in my throat at the expression on his face.

"I'm sorry, Callie … I … "

He shakes his head and curses to himself. Clasping his hands above his head, he begins that distracted pacing he does, and my inevitable compassion begins to creep back in, ever so slightly.

Finally, he clenches his eyes shut for a second before focusing back on me, a desperate look on his face.



       
         
       
        

"I don't date, Callie," he blurts, and I squint at him in surprise.

"Not ever?"

"Not seriously."

He sighs and drops to the couch. I follow, but stay a safe distance away. I trust him, just not myself.

"My whole life has been spent witnessing one endless string of bad relationships. I grew up watching my dad beat my mom, older siblings getting dumped, older siblings wrecking others by dumping them." He quiets and sucks in his breath. "Then the finale of Luke and Elena."

He shakes his head again, deep in thought.

"Luke was my best friend, Elena my closest sibling. When they started dating, I wasn't surprised, but I was terrified. I knew Luke. I knew he couldn't be what Elena needed and I knew Elena couldn't handle what he was. I tried to warn them! I … " He covers his face with his hands, and my heart starts to shift as it starts to understand.

Still, I don't react as he collects himself. I can tell he's not finished and I want to hear him. I want his story and I want it told his way. Finally, he clears his throat and dares a look at me again. I want to reach out to him, but I don't. It's not time.

"Anyway, they wouldn't listen to me. They were both so crazy about each other, it didn't matter what anyone said. There was nothing I could do but brace myself and watch the disaster unfold." He closes his eyes again, and I can see the pain rushing back. "And that's what I did. Watched for three years as the two people I loved most in this world absolutely destroyed each other and themselves."

He meets my gaze, his eyes searching, pleading. "Do you know what that's like?" he whispers, tears in his eyes. "It killed Elena, and now it's killing Luke, and I swore I'd never do that to someone else! I would never, ever, hurt someone I loved the way they hurt each other. The way my dad hurt my mom. I don't know how else to do that except to stay away from them." He quiets and rests his head in his hands, and I can't take it anymore.

I close the gap between us and touch his arm, forcing him to look at me. He does, and I grasp his hand.

"You're not Luke. I'm not Elena."

He shakes his head, the tears spilling to his cheeks. "You don't know that. You … what if I am?"

I shrug and give him a direct look, firm, confident. "You know what? Maybe you are, but you're worth the risk to me. You just need to decide if I am. You've told me many times I have to start trusting myself. Trust who I am. So do you."

He seems touched. And conflicted.

Suddenly, he pulls away and shakes his head again. "We can't, though! Don't you get it? I've got maybe three to four months, then I'm gone again. I'm on the road all the time, and even when I'm not, I've got obligations and expectations that take me everywhere and … " 

"Casey, stop!" I cry, jerking his hands.

He blinks, and I shake my head in exasperation.

"I'm not asking for a ring, here!" I laugh. "I'm talking about just letting whatever this is develop while it can. We can decide later what to do with it." I take a deep breath. "You can't force yourself to be alone forever just because other people made some poor decisions. What happened to Luke and Elena … " I sigh. "I can't even imagine what that was like for you, but that's not going to happen with us."

"But … "

I silence him with a look and gaze hard into his eyes. "Casey, even if you break my heart you will not break me. You won't."

I can't tell if he believes me, but I can tell he's sincere, and that's all I've ever wanted from him. I believe him.

This time it's definitely me who initiates the kiss. He wouldn't have dared, which is yet another reason why I want nothing more than to be close to him at that moment. Will he break my heart? Maybe. Probably. Just like I will break his at some point, too. But I also know it would absolutely shatter mine to move on without even giving myself the chance to get close to this amazing, talented, beautiful person. I have to try, despite the pain, and I think maybe he's starting to understand that as well.

He pulls me hard against him and I can sense the desperation in his kiss, how much he wants this. How much he wants me. How hard it must have been to keep me at arm's length in his misguided attempt to protect me from the person he's not. Just the fact that he would try is all the evidence I need that he's everything I've come to believe he is. I want him so much it hurts as he guides me back on the couch, our kisses, our bodies, trying to make up for lost time. I pull at his shirt, my hands gliding along his back, his arms, locking him against me while his lips trace my neck, my cheek, and back to my own. I can't breathe. I can't think. I just know that I've never felt so wanted, so satisfied.

"Casey?"

"Yeah?" he breathes.

"We're going to be ok."

He stops and focuses on my eyes, that grin I so crave suddenly slipping back to his face.

"You think?"

I nod. "Yeah."

I reach up and run my fingers along his jaw, staring into his incredibly complex soul. He lowers his head and gives me another solid kiss before straightening and helping me up.

I'm not done with him yet, though, and slide my arms around his waist as his tighten around my shoulders. I just want to stand there forever, even though I know reality is going to slap us in the face soon enough. For now, however, I let myself feel safe, at peace, and yes, maybe even the slightest hint of love.

"Would you be upset if I tell them to fix the PR mess by reporting that you're my girlfriend instead of Luke's? No one would care then and they'll leave you both alone."

I lean back and glance at him in surprise. "I don't know. It depends. Is it true?"

He seems flustered. "Um … I don't know. Do you want it to be?"

I almost laugh. "You're kidding, right?"

His smile is shy this time. "Well, I didn't want to assume … I mean after being such an ass the last couple days … "

"You were," I tease, before growing serious. "You have my permission to call it whatever you want, but you're my choice, Casey, not Luke. Any rumors floating around about me should revolve around you."