Night Shifts Black(36)

"It would so much better if they just thought I was your girlfriend instead," I mutter before thinking better of it. I immediately gasp and pull back. "I'm sorry! I didn't … I meant … for Luke's sake."

He's not smiling this time, just studying me again, and I can't breathe. I'm such an idiot! I cover my face, completely mortified.

"I'm sorry. I … I should go check on Luke," I manage, attempting my breakaway.

He grabs my arm to stop my retreat and forces me to face him. His face is inches away from mine, his eyes searching, so deep. So beautiful.

"You don't actually want that, do you? I mean, do you have any idea how hard it would be to date someone like me?"

Actually, yes, I do have an idea. I also know how hard it would be not to date him after everything I've come to learn and love about him. But I don't say any of that. In fact, no words seem to come out at all.

He looks away. "I'm sorry, Callie. I know you didn't mean it like that. I just wanted to make sure … I mean, even if I really liked you, and I do … I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I hurt you and I'm afraid I would."

I nod. Numb. Then, completely heartbroken.

"Yeah, of course," I reply as casually as possible. But there are tears close to the words. I'm afraid he can hear them as the weak syllables come out. "Um … Yeah, I should go. I … "

I pull away, and he lets me go this time. As I head toward Luke's room, I'm almost sure I can hear him curse.



∞∞∞



I find Luke in his room. I had checked the office first and was relieved that at least he wasn't with the chair. I try my best to brush off my fiasco with Casey, determining to sort through that later, and focus on being strong for Luke. He's the one who needs me. Casey's proven I'm nothing more to him than a temporary distraction. I grimace. I know that's not remotely fair, but I'm hurt and irrational at the moment.

"Hey," I say, moving into the room.

He's propped up in his bed watching some spy thriller. His eyes are red, his hair's a mess, and I wonder when he last slept.

"Hey. Casey said you went home last night." 

I nod. "Just to get some stuff and take care of errands. Still have rent and laundry," I explain with a forced smile.

He returns a fake, polite one of his own, and I sigh. I can't do this. Not now. Not after what just happened with Casey.

"Move over," I command, pushing him to his left so I can settle in beside him.

"You hear what happened? What they're saying?" he asks. He seems concerned, certainly apologetic, and I find it funny that we're both more worried about each other than we are about ourselves.

"I did. Girlfriend of the great chair thief, Luke Craven. I've been called worse."

He smiles over at me, and I hate how exhausted he looks. He's tired of life. I can see it in his expression, his manner, every pore of his existence, and it terrifies me.

"Yeah. I'm sorry about that. They'll fix it, though. They always do. Casey's working on it."

I nearly flinch. Strange how I counted the seconds until I could see him this morning, and now I can't even stand to hear his name.

"I'm not worried. More concerned about you. You ok?" I ask.

He shrugs. "I've been called worse," he repeats with a smile.

I laugh and take his arm, leaning against his shoulder. "We're gonna be ok, Luke. You know that, right?" I say.

He nods, but I'm pretty sure it's for my benefit, not his. He stopped believing that a long time ago.

"Watch some TV with me?" he asks, and I smile, squeezing his arm.

"Of course."

He lifts the remote and resumes the movie.



∞∞∞



It's a good two hours before I finally venture back to the main room. Casey is gone, and I'm strangely relieved and disappointed at the same time. I grab a bagel for Luke and am about to return to his room when the main door clatters. Casey turns the corner, dressed in workout clothes, a towel slung over his shoulder.

"Hit the gym?" I ask as nonchalantly as possible.

"Had to work off some steam," he replies with a weak smile.

I nod. "Ok. Well, we're watching spy movies in the back." I start walking again.

"Callie, wait! Please."

I stop and turn to him, my heart racing, but doing everything I can not to let it show.

"I'm sorry about earlier. I just need you to understand that it's not you. Please know that."

"Yeah. It's not you, it's me. Got it," I reply, turning again.

"Stop! Will you just stop?" he pleads, grabbing my arm. He pulls me toward him, and I'm almost angry that he looks like he's about to kiss me again. I yank my arm away and take a step back.

"What is your problem, Casey? What do you want from me? You want to fool around for a bit before you head back on tour with your real model girlfriends? I'm not interested in that, ok? I was pretty sure you were smart enough to pick up on that."

His face falls. I can see I'm hurting him but I don't understand how. It was his choice, not mine. It's his life keeping us apart.

"It's not like that, Callie. I … I don't know how to explain it. I just don't want to hurt you. I'm afraid I'm not what you think. I'm afraid I can't live up to your expectations. I mean, I'm not … At the end of the day, I'm just a guy."

I almost laugh. "My expectations? I didn't even have any! I wasn't interested in Casey Barrett, the rock star. I don't know him! I was interested in Casey Barrett, the seventh son of Mr. and Mrs. Barrett of Houston, Texas. The guy who would stand beside his friend when no one else saw any reason why he should. The guy who didn't shy away from someone else's puke, or late nights, or fights with a powerful Label because they were hurting someone he loved. The guy whose smile literally got me through the last few days of emotional hell, and who's been nothing but a rock for all of us." I stop, the tears brimming now, and I swat at my eyes. "I was interested in the guy who was finally starting to make me believe in myself. So if you're not actually that guy, then I guess you're right. We can just end this, whatever it is, now with a clean break."



       
         
       
        

With that, I turn and retreat before he can stop me again. I can't face him. Not now, maybe not ever at this point. Because the truth is, I'm more than interested in that guy. I'm falling hard for that guy.



∞∞∞



"You ok?" Luke asks when I make my way back into his room.

"Fine. Why?" I say, handing him his bagel.

He's studying me, I can feel his gaze, but I can't meet it. My drama is the last thing he needs in his life right now.

"You were crying," he says.

I shrug. "Just allergies," I lie.

He smirks. "Yeah. Sure. Is this about the rumors?"

Now, I actually do manage a smile. "No. Not at all. I'm not worried about that. I don't have a life to ruin. Just worried about you."

He quiets, and I don't like the way he's looking at me. "Is this about Casey?"

My throat constricts as my brain goes into crisis mode. "Casey? What do you mean?"

He scoffs. "Please. It's obvious there's something going on there."

I look away and shrug. "Not according to him. Look, can we just watch the movie?" I ask, dropping to the bed.

"He said he's not interested? Really?"

I glare at him now. For all the times I've respected his privacy over the last few weeks, he can't drop my crap for once? He holds up his hands in surrender at my look.

"Ok! Sorry! It's just … "

My gaze continues to bore into him, daring him to finish that sentence.

"Casey Barrett thinks it's best that we keep our distance," I explain, but the bitterness is too pronounced. I had been going for matter-of-fact.

Luke grunts. "Ok. Then Casey Barrett is lying to you."

I glance at him sharply, and he shrugs. "Well, sorry, but it's true. I've known the guy for half our lives. He's crazy about you. I told him on Day One you two were perfect for each other. He knew going into that first breakfast meeting what to expect. I'm not at all surprised you guys hit it off. I called that from the beginning."

Luke isn't helping my broken heart, and I can feel the tears hovering again. Just under the surface. Just one more reminder of what I can't have away from being a full-on episode. It's not going to happen.

"Are you starting the movie or what?" I snap, and he shakes his head.

"Whatever. You two are making a huge mistake."

I glare at him. "Luke, I'm begging you. Start the movie!"

He rolls his eyes, but finally presses play.



∞∞∞ 



A knock at the door at minute 17 interrupts our showing, yet again. The hero was just about to embark on his epic journey through the rugged wastelands of some fictitious third-world country to rescue some important politician from … I don't know. I'm way too distracted to actually follow the action. I'm only here so I don't have to be out there.

Which is exactly why Casey's face is the last thing I want to see poking around the door at the moment. But here he is, freshly showered and hoping for another change of clothes.

"Dude, you really need to send for your stuff or go shopping," Luke mutters, and Casey gives him a look.