Never Again(5)
“Can I see him?” I beg. The doctor’s lips form a thin line, and before he can say anything, I continue. “Pl-please, I ha-have to see him, please.” I’m desperate to see with my own eyes that he is alive.
“Okay,” he finally responds and runs his hand over his forehead. “But only for a couple of minutes.” He takes us to Josh’s room, and his parents are the first to enter. I’m shifting my weight nervously from one foot to another in front of the door, waiting for my turn. Dean and Beth come out of the room, heartbroken and sobbing. Dean places his hand comfortingly on my shoulder, and encourages me to enter the room. I’m standing in front of the big white door that separates me from Josh. Taking a deep breath, I grab the handle. I gently push the door, stick my head through, and there he is. He’s lying on a bed on the left side of the room, tubes and wires coming out of him. Machines by his bed are beeping, and there is a thicker tube coming out of his mouth. His chest is rising and falling slowly, but his eyes are closed and he’s just lying there, motionless. Thousands of thoughts run through my head and the loudest one is: Please, let him be okay. My legs shaking furiously, I move to the bed. Tears are streaming down my cheeks too fast for me to wipe them away so I just let them fall. I move the chair that’s beside the bed closer to him, sit down and hold his hand.
“Josh, everything is going to be alright. Please, come back to me.” I move a strand of hair that’s in his face to the side. He looks so hopeless. “Please, don’t leave me.” I drop my head to his hand and kiss his palm. I am crying incessantly. “You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. I love you, Josh! I love you so much. Please fight. For yourself, for us.” There is suddenly a loud beeping noise above my head; I look to the machine that’s emitting that sound. I look to Josh and back up. The next second, I feel a hand push me aside. “What is happening?” I yell as one of the nurses leans over Josh, and starts performing CPR on him.
“Miss, please step outside, and let us do our job.” Before I can protest, they shut the door in my face. Beth and Dean stand up, their eyes full of questions and terror. We watch as more nurses, and a doctor, run into Josh’s room with a defibrillator machine. I cling to Beth and Dean, waiting for the update. I pray it is good news. It seems like we’ve been waiting forever before the doctor steps out the room. He throws the latex gloves he was wearing in the trash beside us and his expression is unreadable. He turns to us and I inhale sharply. I hang on to the hope that Josh is okay. I can see the doctor’s lips moving but I can’t hear him. What’s happening? Confused, I look from the doctor to Josh’s parents and back. Everything is happening in slow motion. I watch them speaking, but their voices don’t reach my ears. Beth suddenly collapses to the floor and Dean catches her in the last moment.
“What’s happening?” I ask, my voice shaky, and I am holding on to my hope.
“He didn’t survive. I’m very sorry,” the doctor repeats, his eyes full of compassion. My head is suddenly swimming. My legs turn to jelly, and I can barely hold myself up. I’m not sure I heard him correctly. He grabs my hand before I fall down.
“Wha-what?! How? No, no, no, no,” I’m screaming, tears blurring my vision. I take a few steps, and then turn back around. “I d-don’t believe you. Where is he? I mu-must see him,” I’m panicking, and people in the hall start turning their heads to me. I ignore them. All I want is to see Josh, to hug him. I need him so badly. He can assure me everything is okay. I run to the nurses’ station and ask them to tell me he is alive and well. Dean grabs me by the shoulders and tries to calm me down. “Let me pass, I have to see him.” Tears are running uncontrollably down my face so I can barely see, but I don’t care. I only want Josh—now.
“Sweetie, please.” I hear Beth’s sobbing voice, pleading.
“No, Josh is waiting for me. I have to see him, I have to make sure he’s alright.” The nurses are watching me sympathetically.
“He’s in a better place now. He’s in heaven, no longer in pain,” Beth weeps. Dean holds her tightly, and helps her sit down in a chair.
“No, don’t say that! I love him! He can’t just leave me like that! We were supposed to celebrate my successful exams. He can’t be dead.”
After my breakdown in the waiting room, one of the nurses takes me to an empty room and gives me an injection to calm me down. I am now sitting in the room, completely numb and devastated. After a while, I fall into dreamless sleep, exhausted and all cried up.