Nerd Girl(97)

“Admittedly, yes, it’s a little crazy, but I feel the same way, Ryan.” I found myself oddly trying to comfort him over falling in love with me. “I must be crazy, too.”

We walked silently for a few more minutes, each of us deep in our own thoughts. For however honest he had been with me just now, there was still something preventing me from believing in a happily ever after. Why did that small voice from deep inside me still doubt his love for me? I knew that there was something I still needed from him.

“Can you tell me more about you and Catherine?” I asked quietly. How could I feel confident being his girl when a relationship so deeply rooted in his past would always have some presence in his life? Would Catherine quietly fall into the shadows of his history or would she be more than that to him? I needed to know. I needed to understand what her place was going to be in our lives.

“I guess I never fully explained our relationship. I really wanted to that morning after Anna’s wedding, but I didn’t want to tell you this long, drawn out story unnecessarily. It just didn’t feel like the right time.”

“I know. Can you explain it now?” I coaxed him gently, waiting for him to continue. “I can handle it. I’ve sort of avoided the whole topic for a while, but I’m ready to hear it now.”

Ryan found a large rock on the beach to sit on. There was enough room for the both of us, so he pulled me in next to his body, wrapping one arm around me, and we sat there quietly for a moment.

This was it. This was the story I had been waiting for. This would help me understand Ryan better. This would help me feel confident about my position in Ryan’s life moving forward, or so I hoped.

“Our dads both worked at the same law firm. Growing up, we use to vacation often together. The four of us, Daniel, Catherine, my sister Lauren, and I, were close. Lauren and Catherine were couple of years behind us.” Ryan paused and looked out to the water. “It was the summer right after Daniel and I graduated high school. Daniel wanted to go hiking, but I talked him into waterskiing instead. Catherine and Lauren were both with us on the boat, too. I was driving it and Catherine was the spotter. Catherine and I were laughing at something that Lauren was doing and we weren’t really paying attention to Daniel, who was waiting for us to circle around to him. There was a kayaker nearby and I jerked the boat to avoid him. I didn’t see when Daniel went under. The boat propeller hit his head. The investigation called it an accident. There was no alcohol or foul play involved. Even though they ruled it an accident, I still felt responsible for his death. I was the one that wanted to go boating that day and I should’ve been paying more attention while I was controlling the boat.” He didn’t look at me the whole time he was explaining this. His voice remained even.

Shaking my head, I protested his belief that he was responsible even though I knew that any attempts I could make to soothe him wouldn’t be heard. I hurt for him as a young man, having had to go through this awful experience, bearing the weight of his own perceived responsibility. Even now, two decades later, it wasn’t hard to see that he still bore the weight.

“Anyways, Daniel’s death impacted all of us, but it was especially hard for Catherine. She worshipped him growing up and felt partially responsible for his death; she took it harder than any of us. I guess from that point on, I sort of played the role of surrogate older brother. I think somehow I felt morally obligated to be there for her and her family. “

He looked down at me and I shifted to face him.

“Honestly, I never really saw her as more than a little sister, but we ended up dating for a short period my senior year in college, her sophomore year. Catherine initiated it one night after a party and I guess I just sort of thought, why not?”

“But I thought you said you guys had been dating for seven years,” I said, confused with the timeline of events.

“When I decided to move down to San Francisco after graduation, I broke it off. She didn’t protest much. We knew even back then that we weren’t right for each other; we were better suited as friends. Our friendship persisted until I moved back to Seattle for good.”

I shifted in his arms, trying to wrap my head around their relationship. I wondered if Catherine had a crush on Ryan growing up. I could easily picture them at that party together in college. What gave Catherine the courage to initiate something with him that night? Maybe another boy upset Catherine and she went to Ryan for consolation. I could easily visualize Catherine, being held by Ryan, as she initiated their first kiss. It pulled at my heartstrings to imagine a younger Ryan, so kind, so sweet, and always taking care of her.