Nerd Girl(96)

I wasn’t looking at him, but I could visualize the smile on his face. I turned to face him and gave him a look of mild annoyance. I tried to act like it was no big deal. He thought I was pouting for the sake of staking my claim, and maybe I was. If I was honest with myself, though, I was sometimes the jealous type. This was especially true whenever I thought about Catherine.

After Renee left, we went for a walk along the beach south of the harbor. We walked hand in hand, passing various large metal sculptures meant to decorate the park.

“So, which house did you like the best and why?” Ryan asked.

“The first one,” I said without hesitation. “Though the first and the third were comparable; they were both lovely and contemporary and I liked the design and architecture.” I paused as I contemplated why I liked one over the other. “I think the first home is better suited for a family. From the living room window and the back deck, there’s a clear view of the whole lower deck, as well as the beach front. The other house is perched on a cliff and though the view is stunning, well, the first one just seemed more kid-friendly to me. I could see a family living there or wanting to rent it for a family vacation.”

I looked up at Ryan, uncertain whether or not he would be freaked out by my comments. If he wanted to rent out the home to tourists, it would be more attractive to families. Couples were less likely to rent a home so big for a vacation. That was my honest opinion and I wanted to share it; he needed a woman’s perspective on the pros and cons of each home. I was worried that he might think I was referring to our future—I didn’t want him thinking I was bringing up marriage and kids already. When we were viewing the properties, I did wonder what it would be like to visit the home with Ryan and our future kids, but that’s not why I made the comments that I had made. It’s not to say that I wasn’t thinking exactly that; I am a woman nearing thirty, after all.

In a conscious effort to make sure I wasn’t misinterpreted, I quickly added, “As a vacation rental property, families with young children would probably be more inclined to choose the first house over the third. It’s just safer.”

He didn’t look freaked out, nor did he appear uncomfortable by my comments. He looked contemplative. “You know, it’s odd,” he started, “when Catherine and I were together, I never really visualized our future together.”

His comment threw me for a loop. “How is that possible?” I asked incredulously. “When you’re planning on spending the rest of your life with someone, don’t you naturally think about the rest of your life with them?”

Ryan was silent for a long time and I thought for a minute that he was avoiding the question. He looked at my confused expression and finally elaborated. “Catherine and I, even though we were engaged to be married, never really talked about what our lives would be like in five, ten, or twenty years from now. We never even set a wedding date. I know that must sound weird to you.” He seemed surprised and perplexed by his own comment.

My silence confirmed his assumption of. They never talked about the future? I want to talk about the future now and we’ve hardly been together multiple weeks.

“I’ve always wanted children, but I never actively thought about it much with Catherine. I never saw us going for walks in the park, or to Disneyland, or coaching soccer practice; I assumed that when we got married, all of that would just come with it. But when I went to visit these homes this afternoon, my criteria for whether or not I liked them was based on whether or not I could see us there; you and me. I actually did an inventory of who would sleep where. I wondered how many kids we would have and if it could easily fit visitors, like my mom, or my sister’s family and her kids. I thought about how fun it would be to dig clams and oysters on our own private beach.”

I was speechless by his confession. I was touched by the honesty and openness of his feelings for me. He saw a future with me! If I were a balloon, I would be floating up to the high heavens by now, for as happy and light as he had just made me feel.

“Does that freak you out, that I’m saying all of these things?”

I gazed up at him and he actually looked … vulnerable. He’d just laid out all his feelings and hopes for us, without shame, embarrassment, or consequence, and now it looked like he was worried I would bolt.

“No, it makes me happy,” I said, my voice cracking. I reached up and lightly touched his cheek.

“You must think I’m a crazy sometimes. I’ve fallen in love with you in less than a few weeks, and now here I am confessing that I think about coaching soccer for our kids someday.” He shook his head, disbelieving even his own words.