Morning Glory(54)

I’m lying on a hospital bed in the radiologist’s office. A massive amount of ultrasound gel covers my belly, and every time I move, the protective paper cover crinkles beneath me. The radiology tech has just finished the exam, but she’s prompted us to wait for a moment. Her eyes dart around nervously. She wants the radiologist to come in to see something, she says. We’re not sure what this “something” is, but James doesn’t seem to be worried, so I’m not either. “They’re probably blown away by the size of her brain,” he says. “Clearly, takes after her daddy.”

I give him a gentle shove as the door opens and a middle-aged man enters the room. “Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Santorini,” he says. “I’m Dr. Hensley. I’d just like to have a closer look, if you don’t mind.” The tech hovers behind him. Her face looks pinched, concerned. She clasps her hands behind her back. My heart begins to beat rapidly. I turn to James and he squeezes my hand.

The doctor deposits another glob of gel on my belly and then firmly presses the imaging device to my skin. Seconds later, I see Ella again. Her legs are kicking back and forth. “That’s our girl,” James says proudly. “Feisty like her mama.”

The doctor doesn’t seem to hear him or share our sentiment. He’s focused on the screen and rubs the device against my belly again and again, trying to get a closer look at something on the screen.

“What is it?” I finally ask. I know something is wrong.

He increases the size of the screen, then freezes the image. I stare at the mass he points to, and I want him to press Play again. I want to see Ella kicking her sweet little legs. I want to go back to the moment when everything was fine.

“What’s wrong?” I ask again. “Is my baby OK?”

He sets the device down and peels off his gloves. “Ms. Santorini,” he finally says, “the baby is fine.”

I exhale deeply.

“It’s you I’m concerned about.”

“What? Why?”

“There’s a very large tumor growing on your left ovary.”

“A tumor?” James says, shaking his head.

The doctor takes off his glasses and rubs his brow, then puts them back on again. “I want to be as direct with you as possible. This looks like cancer.”

I sit up instantly, gasping. “I don’t understand. How can I have cancer? I feel fine. I, I . . .”

“When ovarian cancer is detected in pregnancy, we have to act fast,” the doctor continues. “The pregnancy hormones can make it grow and spread faster than usual.” He looks at James, then at me. “We’ll need to do a biopsy, more tests.” He clears his throat. “We’ll obviously have time to discuss this with the oncologist, but I want to be frank with you. It’s not too late for termination.”

“Termination? You mean . . . ?” I’m suddenly speechless. One moment I was looking at my baby girl kicking her legs on the screen, and the next we’re talking about terminating the pregnancy. Ending her life.

“No,” I say, before anyone can say anything else. “No, I won’t.” I reach for some tissues and wipe the gloppy goo off my belly, then pull my sweater down.

“Ada,” James says. He reaches out to me, but I push his arm away.

“Mrs. Santorini,” the doctor continues, “you will risk your life if you don’t at least consider termination in the event of—”

“I refuse to discuss this,” I say, standing up. “James, let’s go.”



“You OK?” Jim asks.

I shake away the memory and turn to face him. “No,” I say. “But I’m trying.”

He doesn’t ask me to elaborate; he just tugs at the sailboat’s rigging as it glides across the lake, and nods. “Me, too,” he says.





Chapter 21





PENNY

Two weeks after my return to Seattle, a postcard with a palm tree on the front arrives. “Having the time of my life. Wish you were here. Lana sends her love. Love, Dex.” I toss it in the wastebasket. He doesn’t really wish I were there. If he did, he would have asked me to stay with him. No, he’d always see me as a nuisance, a distraction from his work, his creativity. I stir the batter in the bowl and watch it change from glops of flour, sugar, eggs, and butter into a perfect creamy smoothness. But some things can’t be beaten into submission.

I squeeze in the lemon next, breathing in the tartness of the rind, and stir again. I try not to think about Dex now. I try not to dwell on what’s to come, because it frightens me. All I can think about is today, and today Collin is taking me downtown.