More than Exist(23)

“Goodnight,” they called in unison, and my mom added, “We love you too, sweetheart. We’re so happy you’re here.”

I smiled and nodded, then crossed into the room and shut the door. I quickly pulled out my pajamas, leaving the rest of my luggage to be unpacked tomorrow.

The bed looked too inviting, and I was beginning to feel dead on my feet.

I grabbed my nearly empty vodka bottle from the bottom of the bag and finished it, just to take the edge off, then hid it back under my clothes.

My belly warm from the liquor, I peeled back the covers and snuggled in, looking around the room that had been redecorated since the last time Ricky and I had come to visit.

That’s not a coincidence, I thought, thankful to my mother for being such a thoughtful and generous spirit, then I drifted off into a blissfully dreamless sleep.





Chapter 16





Spending the morning with my parents had been just what I needed. Mom filled my belly with French toast, scrambled eggs, and her famous cinnamon spiced coffee, and I’d listened happily as my dad filled me in on all of the community gossip.

It was the perfect morning after a great night’s sleep, and I’d felt rejuvenated going into the afternoon.

Then my parents left for their weekly Pinochle game and I’d decided to go to the pool and lay out. Relax, get some sun, maybe even read a book. Unfortunately, I didn’t end up doing any of those things.

I wish I had.

I wish the good vibes of the morning had followed me throughout the day, and I’d spent my time the way I’d told my mother I would, but instead, I ran into Jasper.

Jasper was an eighty-year-old alcoholic who’d lived in the neighborhood for about three months. His wife passed away earlier in the year, and his children had thought he’d enjoy being around other retirees in the fun-filled community, like my parents did.

Jasper didn’t enjoy it. Not at all, and he told me all about it as we sat under an umbrella covered by the table, drinking bourbon and eating nothing at all.

“Ya see, Mirabelle, I’ve never liked people,” Jasper was explaining to me, his thick, gray, bushy eyebrows dipping so low over his eyes, they were almost completely camouflaged. “Not when I was younger, and not now. I was never the parent that went to my kids’ games, or parties at school … Not because I didn’t love my kids, but because new people scare me. I’ve never made friends easily.”

“Why did your kids get you a place here, then?” I asked, curious, as I watched his caterpillar-like eyebrows move. I was on my third generous glass of bourbon, and was mesmerized by his face. The deep groves, the skin so tan it was almost leathery, and those damn, crazy eyebrows.

Jasper shrugged at my question and began to refill our glasses.

“I guess because I was too much of a burden to keep in their own homes.”

I frowned at his answer. Sad that Jasper was so unhappy, and that his kids didn’t even seem to care.

“I get it though,” he added between sips. “They have their own families now, their own lives. I just wish they’d let me stay in my home. The home that Gina and I’d shared. They were worried I’d get too lonely, but I have to say, Mirabelle, I’m more lonely here than I would be at home, surrounded by the memories Gina and I had built together.”

“I understand,” I said. And I did. Totally. “At first I didn’t want to leave the home that Ricky and I’d been in for all of those years, but after a while, I realized that I was never going to be able to move on. Not when I was so stuck in the past.”

Jasper’s hand covered mine on the bluish Formica tabletop.

“You’re young,” he explained. “You should move on, you have your entire life ahead of you. You’ll find love again, maybe have a family … but me? All I had left was my memories, and now even those are gone.”

I shook my head vehemently at his words. “I’ll never fall in love again.”

When Jasper opened his mouth to argue, I stopped him by saying, “Are you kidding me? I don’t want to go through anything like what I’ve been through over the last year again. Not ever. When you love someone the way I loved Ricky, and you lose them … It’s like losing your entire reason for existing. I never want to open myself up to that hurt again.”

“Aww, darling,” Jasper replied with a frown. “I know the pain is near to unbearable, but you can’t close yourself off to the possibility of love. Without love, there’s no happiness. And without happiness, are you really existing anyway?”

I let his words marinate as I tossed back the amber liquid in my glass, wincing at the burn that seemed to accompany every drink.