Moonshine(37)

“I don’t know. This wasn’t what I thought you were going to say. You don’t owe me anything and even if you did I wouldn’t ask for this. It sounds scary and unnatural. It’s freaking ridiculous. Did you expect me to be okay with this? What exactly do you plan on doing with me, because there isn’t enough medication out there to just throw me at some poor defenseless boy?”

“That’s not what I had in mind. Seriously Shine, I didn’t bring this up because I wanted to hurt you. You have already helped me more than you know.”

“Oh really. How?”

“You really don’t know do you?” Was he serious? Of course I don’t know. I shook my head in defeat.

“You are my only friend.”

“What?” I patted the bed next to me. I know right. I couldn’t believe it either. I invited him to sit down, next to me, on the bed. I was trying to take baby steps, but this felt like forty five year old steps. This boy has no idea how far I have come just being in his presence.

“Last year was my senior year in high school. I was captain of my school’s swim team and pretty damn popular. I was in a two year relationship with a girl named Maggie who I had gone to school with since she moved to town in eighth grade. She was one of the girls that hung with our crowd. I had always known that I was different and that I had an attraction to boys. As you can tell, I am not your stereotypical gay guy. Stereotypes just piss me off! I’m pretty sure that you didn’t even realize I was gay until our group session. That has always worked in my favor because without me telling someone then no one knew.

A few months before graduation, Maggie and I sat down and had a talk about what was going to happen once we graduated. I knew that I didn’t want to carry on this relationship to college because it wasn’t real and I was hoping to find something more serious when I moved away and started my life. I hadn’t planned on telling anybody about being gay. No one would have understood, and I’m certain of that now. When Maggie and I started to talk about the future I told her that I was ready to end things, but that I loved her so much and I always wanted to be friends. I told her that I couldn’t picture my life without her in it. She was my first girlfriend, my first kiss, and we shared our first sexual experiences together. I know your probably wondering why I would have sex with her. Being gay was just who I was but being a man I still had needs too, and if I didn’t sleep with her what would she say? People would talk and I couldn’t cause that kind of a riot for myself. So I did it. She was my best friend after all and I wanted to make her happy too. That day that I told her that I couldn’t be with her anymore she had an emotional melt down. Her words were heart wrenching and she made me feel like a complete douche bag for taking her virginity and her heart. The words “I thought you were my friend” were etched into my soul and I couldn’t take it. I felt so guilty that I told her everything. I trusted her with my secret. I could see the look of turmoil on her face when I told her I was gay. What I expected her to say is that she was my friend and that we were going to be okay, but what she said was “you took two years of my life away and I slept with someone gay. How could you do this to me? I thought you cared about me?” She cut me so deep with her words. It was all me, me, me, me, me. Never once did she act as if she cared about me.” He wiped the tears off of his blood red face. The hurt was too much to watch. I was crying with him and my heart was just breaking into pieces for him.

“Even though she was mad, I couldn’t help but think about how close we were at one point. I considered her to be my very best friend, but I was wrong. This secret was only mine to tell, and I trusted her with it, like a fool. The next day when I came to school it was a nightmare. The word fag was spray painted in red on the outside of my locker. Not one of my friends would look at me or speak to me. I was casted away so easily from the people I called my friends. I mean some of us had known each other since elementary school. And just when I thought school was bad, well home was way more severe. My dad has been Dover County Chief of Police for fourteen years and he is a very well loved man by many, with the exception of me. I suppose Maggie told her parents, who called my parents, and by the time I got home from school the whole damn town knew. They were so angry with me that they kicked me out of the house that night, but it wasn’t before my dad beat the shit out of me in the backyard. He kicked me over and over again and told me I couldn’t come back home, ever. He told me I was a disgrace to the family name, and that if I died tomorrow that I had better hope I had a friend somewhere in this world because he wasn’t claiming me.”