Moonshine(18)

“Look,” he held up the letter for me to see. “I will just slide it right here under your windshield wiper. I hope that you read it. I will leave you alone now.” Never once did I make eye contact with him even as he told me bye.

I waited for him to leave before I let out the air I had been holding. Standing there, I waited until I thought he was out of sight before I took the letter off of my window. I climbed into my car and locked the doors, just as I did every single day. My hands were so shaky that I fumbled with the paper trying to open it. I wanted so badly to see what he had to say. Whether it was good or bad, I still had to know. The paper felt thick like there may be more than one page which would be unusual for Moon. Heck, the fact that he was writing at all was unusual to say the least. It must be really important if he’s taken the time to write it down. Shaking, I turned the corner down until it was completely unfolded. On the top of the page he had written, Dear Shine Baby and that was all it took for the tears to start to fall. I couldn’t read it here I had to get out of this parking lot and somewhere by myself before I could finish the letter.

I drove around town several times before I settled on a spot to be alone. I ended up parking behind the old drive-in theatre. The place was abandoned now, but Moon and I would sometimes find ourselves staking our claim here. It’s peaceful and the gravel was still in place where you could park and be alone. A lot of times Moon would bring me here on Friday nights after cheering for the night’s big game. We would lie back on the hood of the car and watch the stars. Sometimes he would even think to bring a blanket so that we could lie on the ground. It was a special place for us. We had shared some of our best talks here. Very few people ever came here, because the grassy areas were never kept up and the weeds had grown up around everything. I loved it here though. Moon had made us a path through the weeds that backed right up to his papaw’s farm. Once you passed the old empty silo you were on his papaw’s property. We would sometimes find ourselves walking that path more than once in a weekend. Right next to the silo was an old mill. Me, him, and Josh would sit down at the mill and drink sometimes on the weekends when there was nothing else to do. We made some amazing memories at this old place.

When I found my favorite parking spot, I put my car in park. I can do this, I thought to myself as I begin to read his letter.



Dear Shine Baby,

I have so many things I want to tell you that it is hard for me to know where to start. You are probably wondering what the hell I am doing even writing this letter to you to begin with. I can’t talk to you face to face so this is the next best thing. It has been so long since the last time I talked to you. I mean like old times. Lately, it seems like we will never be able to go back to that place and it scares me, but it’s not the reason I am writing.

I’m writing because you are sick and I know it. Your eyes look black and you’ve lost a lot of weight. You look lost inside that head of yours. Where are you? Where is my Shine? She is gone and I want her back. I’m scared that I’m going to lose you for good, the same way that I lost my dad. Please don’t do this. I feel like I am treading water and I am going to drown. I need you so bad. I have given you plenty of time, now I want you back in my life.

I realize now that we are both messed up and it’s because we haven’t been together. We have never spent this much time apart and it’s killing me. It looks like it’s killing you too.

You asked for time to let you heal, but you are not healing, you are getting worse. Let me help you. I want to so bad. I miss you. Can’t we just start small or something? I’ll take anything you want to give me.

Mom also wanted me to tell you that she has been thinking about you every day. She really wants to see you. I’m not sure but I think she thinks you are mad at her for some reason. I told her that you weren’t, but you know women. You don’t have to go see her. I know that that would be too hard for you, but maybe you could call her to just say hello. She told me just the other day that she feels like she lost her husband and daughter all in one day. What the hell am I supposed to say to that? I mean I want to fucking scream at you right now, but it wouldn’t matter if I did. You would only hate me worse. I don’t want to be mad at you, but a part of me is because you left me. What am I saying? I’m not mad; I just miss you so damn much that I can’t think straight. Do you miss me? I really hope you do.

I won’t bother you anymore. I just wanted you to know exactly how I was feeling. I hope that you will write me back or maybe even talk to me soon, but if not at least I’ll feel better knowing I told you.