Momentary Marriage(79)

She loved Jared, really loved him. Those few relationships in her past that she’d thought had been based on love had felt nothing like this. Somehow, she’d always managed to keep herself a little apart, never really at risk. Always heart-whole until now.

Sobs wrenched her body as though each was torn from her. She’d never been so frightened in all her life, never felt more alone.

Nothing lasted. No one knew that better than she. Friends were more constant than lovers and even friends sometimes drifted away.

This marriage had come with an expiration date and no love at all. It was designed to fail, based only on necessity and lust. How could she have let herself fall in love with him?

Kelsey straightened, staring at her tear-ravaged reflection in bitter recognition. This was new. Never before had she felt this kind of yearning. Never had she known with certainty that she wasn’t whole without him.

All those times she’d thought she was in love, she’d just been playing a game, always keeping some part of herself back. Always planning for the day she didn’t want to come back to it. Watching out not to care too much.

But Jared had slipped under her guard. Before she’d known it, he’d captured her heart.

And he’d done it with so little intent. The man enjoyed having sex with her…and he wouldn’t mind her having a child or two for him.

He’d never claimed love, never asked for it from her.

She stood up jerkily, grabbing the pregnancy test off the counter. She couldn’t face it, couldn’t deal with this now.

Walking quickly into the kitchen, she shoved the box into the trash, making sure she covered it.

If she didn’t use the test, didn’t know for sure, maybe she could wish the situation away for another few hours, another day or so.

Dressing quickly, Kelsey refused to think about anything. Instead, she sped up her routine, hurrying to get out of the apartment. She needed the distraction of work, people around her.

She couldn’t do this, couldn’t let herself feel this horrible certainty of doom. Being pregnant now would be bad enough, but loving him--that was the kicker.

Loving Jared meant losing her heart forever. Meant slipping into a tormented world of battered emotion. The world in which her mother lived.

The last few weeks, last few days, had been heaven. Laughing and talking together. Making love till she wept in his arms. How could she survive losing him? When it all came crashing down and the divorce lawyers stepped in, what would be left of her?

Leaving the apartment, she fled to the street, rode the subway to work and forced herself to think of the job. She had to proof the art for the bank campaign. It was already overdue. There was a concept meeting at ten. Later, there was a photo shoot to be personally supervised.

Somehow, she’d make it. She had to.

But nothing seemed right. She got off the elevator and hurried to her office, waiting for the familiarity of the routine and the place to soothe her jumpy nerves.

An hour later, she still couldn’t shake the panic in her stomach. She was fine, she reminded herself over and over. Today was no different than a hundred days before.

Except that she loved Jared. Had lost her heart to him irrevocably.

Forcing herself to function, she couldn’t still her incoherent, fragmented thoughts. Couldn’t gather her distracted focus. One minute she conferred with her boss, the next she sat at her desk imagining divorce proceedings, imagined sending her child away every other weekend. Unless Jared was like her father, having no interest in his child. Perhaps she’d been wrong about that.

No. He’d be more likely to demand joint custody. Then she’d send her child away every other week.

The pencil in Kelsey’s hand snapped.

What would it be like to see Jared every week, loving him, knowing he didn’t love her? There would be other women. With a man like Jared, that was certain.

Nausea hit her like a freight train. Kelsey bolted up from her desk and ran for the restroom, barely making it in time.

Throwing up, she could only be grateful no one else was there to hear her. As she wiped her face a few minutes later with shaking hands, Kelsey bit back a sob.

She had become her mother. A woman buffeted by love. Ever hopeful, always hurt. How had she let this happen when she knew the dangers better than anyone?

How many times had she promised herself she wouldn’t end up this way?

Kelsey dried her hands and left the restroom, walking back to her office with a determined step. She had to regain her perspective, had to recover her armor.

Sitting down at her desk, she pulled a proof sheet in front of her, knowing she couldn’t continue living with Jared. She had to get away now while there was still some possibility of recapturing her equilibrium.