Misbehaving(78)

I had already lost myself. I hated looking at myself in the mirror. I felt tainted. Knowing my momma had lived my entire life like this broke my heart even more. She had done it for me. This awful, disgusting feeling she had lived with for me. The jaded woman she had become made sense. Men couldn’t touch her emotionally because she had cut them off. I understood that now. You had to do it to survive. If you let yourself focus on how they viewed you, it was too hard.

“This is my choice. I made it and I’ll live with it. I won’t let my momma die! Do you hear me?” I screamed, unable to control my emotions. “I won’t let her die! So back the fuck off. I just need you to back off.” I jerked the truck door open and climbed inside. I didn’t look at Krit as I backed out of the parking lot. I made sure I was far enough away before I let the first tear fall.

* * *

Our apartment complex wasn’t in the best area of town, but it was cheap. That was what mattered right now. Momma had a gun, and I was pretty damn sure I could use it if I needed to. I reached for my can of Mace as I opened the truck door and kept my finger on the trigger as I jogged up the stairs and to the door that belonged to us. Checking to make sure I was alone, I unlocked the door and hurried inside, then went back to locking the three locks that afforded us some security.

Once I was sure we were safe, I went quietly to the bathroom to get cleaned. Momma was always asleep when I got home, so when I walked inside with my mascara running down my face each night she didn’t have to see it.

Turning the water on as hot as it would go, I stripped down and stepped into the small shower, letting the water wash me clean. Closing my eyes, I imagined the dirty that clung to me going down the drain with the water. It was the only way I could cope.

I stayed under the water, soaping myself over and over again, until the water ran cold. The iciness sometimes wasn’t enough to send me away. There was a numbness that came with the freezing-cold water. Tonight I didn’t stay for that part. I was exhausted mentally and physically. Delilah had mentioned that I had dark circles under my eyes tonight, and then she’d done some makeup magic.

My toes throbbed from the heels we had to wear all night, and I cringed as I walked quietly to the bedroom and crawled into bed. Momma was softly snoring beside me. We hadn’t gotten a two-bedroom because this saved us money and because the house we had rented before also came with one of the beds we used—it wasn’t ours. Only my bed belonged to us. We hadn’t bought another bed when we could both sleep in this one. And once Momma was dealing with the chemo treatments, she would need me close to her at night.

I pulled the covers up to my chin and closed my eyes. It was my favorite part of the day. I could escape and dream now about things out of my reach.

JASON

I needed closure. That had to be it. I couldn’t move the fuck on. I couldn’t stop thinking about her, and I couldn’t stop being so damn angry at everyone. I yelled at most people brave enough to talk to me.

Her truck hadn’t been outside her house. No one’s car had been there. The place had looked empty. I hadn’t gotten out but had instead told Kane to take me to Live Bay. If she wasn’t here, someone would be here who knew how I could find her. Before I’d left, I’d called her, but her cell was disconnected. Dwelling on why her number would be disconnected got me so worked up I couldn’t focus on the real reason I was here. To end this with her. I needed to see her and tell her exactly what I thought of her, and then I could walk away.

Seeing her again and seeing she wasn’t what I had built up in my head would help me deal with forgetting her. She was still sitting on a damn pedestal in my head, and the girl on the phone who had told me she’d slept with Krit didn’t match the girl who had told me she loved me. The only way to prove to myself what she really was, was to see her.

I walked into Live Bay, and the jackass she was sleeping with was singing into the microphone. She’d be here. I scanned the crowd for someone I knew, but I didn’t see anyone familiar and I didn’t see Jess. I stepped through the crowd and looked back at the stage just as the eyeliner-wearing douche looked at me. He stopped singing and squinted his eyes against the stage lights as he stared at me.

I was ready for this. I wanted him to say something to me. I needed one good reason to knock the shit out of him. I took a step forward, and his eyes focused enough to realize it was me he was seeing. I saw one of the band members nudge him, trying to get his attention. He shook his head, not breaking his angry glare he had leveled at me.

He pointed at me. “You!” he roared, jumping off the stage and stalking toward me. I heard the rest of the band behind him as they started moving, but I couldn’t look away. What was this guy’s problem? He looked ready to murder me. I was the one who had the fucking right to be angry. Not him.