Marital Bitch(85)
"Are they both boys?" I ask, half giddy and half terrified at the idea. I do have an older brother, so I remember what little boys are like. Two of them could set fire to the entire city in a matter of minutes; especially Brad's boys.
"It seems baby number 2 is being shy today. I can't make out its gender." Dr. Roth tells us that we can try again at the next ultrasound. So for today we'll leave the ultrasound knowing that baby number one is a little boy (although Dr. Roth says that both are quite large for twins at their current gestation and seem to be very healthy); and we'll just have to wait until the next time to find out if he has a brother or a sister.
AS THE WEEKS progress and I increase in size, I've taken to staying home more. Not that I have a ton of reasons to leave the house. As it turns out, my quitting my job was the "best thing [I] ever did" according to Brad. In the months that have passed since then, I have often wondered if I'll ever go back to working at a firm. For now, I have Brad’s internship keeping me busy. As it turns out, there’s a lot more red-tape involved than I thought, but my dad has been guiding me through the process of who to talk to and how. Hopefully by this time next year we’ll have the first round of at-risk kids interning at the station and in line to receive scholarships to the academy if they qualify. Lately I’ve been hounding the Red Sox to get involved, but haven’t gotten to speak to the right people yet.
The internship takes up a good bit of time, but I have been doing plenty of lying around, too. Sometimes I even lay around at Darla and James’s house with the kids. I mean, I do some things around the house: the laundry, dishes, and the cooking; but I'm bored. I'm bored out of my mind, so I've been thinking about what I'll do after the babies get older and don't need me for everything anymore. This internship won’t last forever. Then again, judging by the way my own mother and James interact, some children need their mothers well into their 30s. For a brief moment, I beam at the idea of my babies never leaving me.
Today is one of my rare trips out of the house. It's not so easy moving around anymore. I'm nearly eight months along now and my babies are growing strong and healthy. We still don't know the sex of baby number two. The little bugger is good at hiding behind his or her brother. We also still don't have names picked out for either of them just yet. Sadly, Brad has officially nixed Margot and Madison.
The grocery store is pretty empty, and thank God for it. The holidays have come and passed and with it have gone the crowds. We nearly starved in all of December as I'd been boycotting standing in lines with my swollen ankles and pea-sized bladder.
"Colleen?" A soft voice calls behind me. I set down the box of cookies I've been eyeing and turn to see none other than Heather standing before me. I'm so surprised I nearly pee myself.
"Um," I stutter and look around for Brad. We haven't seen hide nor hair of Heather since the incident so many years ago. Now that everything in my life is so perfect, my immediate reaction is to fear that this could screw it all up. "Heather, hi," I try to smile.
"You're uncomfortable," she assesses my demeanor with accuracy. I am uncomfortable. Anyone would be, I assume. I try to apologize but just as I'm getting the words out, Brad walks up.
“Heather," his voice is low. Not quite the quiet fear or heartbroken voice that I'd been expecting. He's just surprised. I worry that he's going to get mad or upset or sad. I know he loves me, but once upon a time, he loved her, too.
"Wow. This is awkward," Heather says. I laugh so loud that I nearly squeak.
"And we're making it worse," Brad says. "So, how have you been?" And slowly, things get less awkward. Brad loosens up and so do I. Heather tells us that she's married a local carpet cleaner to which he has to withhold a few choice comments about carpet munching.
Heather isn't surprised to hear that we're married—only that it took us so long. And as the minutes pass and the conversation runs out, I can see that Heather doesn't hold the same power over Brad anymore. I can see that he's moved past it. He's beyond the stupid things we've done as young adults and the angst and heartbreak we'd all endured because we were both so stupid—so stupid and afraid. We're both beyond it. And it doesn't matter anymore.
I rub my belly, knowing what does matter; and I smile at my husband, knowing that he loves me. And even if our marriage began in an unconventional way, and even if we're both ridiculous and dumb; we're ridiculous and dumb together. It's not about being somebody or being defined by what we do to earn a living, or how we speak. It's about us, and being together. And above all, it's what I've always wanted: to love and be loved in return—unconditionally, irrevocably, and without limit.