Ma, He Sold Me for a Few Cigarettes(38)

I immediately went quiet. ‘There’s yer glasses, Mister,’ I said. His nose was bleedin a little.

‘Where?’

‘There, over there!’ I pointed.

He let go of me fer a minute, an I rolled away an was up an runnin. Annie hadn’t moved from the door; she was watchin everythin. ‘Help me! Help, Annie!’ I yelled.

Annie dashed in her front door an banged on the door of her room, screamin fer her mammy te let her in. She said te me, ‘Tha’s the Bogeyman,’ as I raced in the hall door, then she slammed the door of her room. I stood lookin at the closed door, not knowin wha te do. I was afraid te say anythin, an I was nearly suffocatin from the poundin in me chest. I looked out the door, an the man was pedallin back slowly. What’ll I do? I can’t run te me ma, Jackser would kill me. He’d say it was my fault fer talkin te the man, but I didn’t know he was the Bogeyman come te take me away an kill me! I sat wit me back against Annie’s door. It was dark, an nobody’d see me here if I’m quiet. If the Bogeyman comes in here, I’ll kick at Annie’s door an scream me head off. I won’t give him a chance te get a hold of me, an Annie’s mammy will save me. She’s a nice woman. Tha’s what I’ll do so.

So I sat an listened an waited. Then I dozed sittin in the cold. The wind was comin in under the front door, an I couldn’t hear any more sounds comin from Annie’s room. I must have been there fer hours. I tried te move, but I was frozen solid. Then I slowly opened the front door, listenin, but I couldn’t hear a sound. I put me head out the door an looked up an down the street. It was pitch black, an there wasn’t a sinner about. Then me heart started te rattle again. Jackser will kill me! It’s very dark. Tha must mean it’s late. I started te run. When I got up the stairs, Jackser whipped open the door, an he was wearin his coat, an so was me ma. ‘Where the fuck have ye been till now?’ he roared. He was marchin up an down wit his fists clenched.

‘Where did ye get te?’ me ma asked.

‘First thing tomorrow, Mrs, you get tha young one inta a home,’ Jackser said. Then he ran at me an punched me in me head. He kept batterin me wit his fists. Me ears was bleedin, an he picked me up an threw me across the room. I hit me face against the fireplace. Then he came runnin fer me as soon as I hit the ground.

I tried te roll meself inta a ball te protect me head. He was kickin me an punchin me. I was screamin all the time, ‘Don’t hit me, Jackser! I’ll be good, I promise I’ll never do tha again.’ Jackser doesn’t like te hear me screamin when he’s killin me. An he’s kickin me an tellin me not te cry!

‘No, Jackser, I’m not cryin! Ye see, Jackser! I’m not cryin now, just don’t hurt me any more, Jackser!’

He picked me up an threw me again, an then ran te the winda. He whipped open the winda an ran fer me. Me ma screamed, ‘Stop! Ye’re goin te kill her!’ But Jackser hauled me over te the winda an dropped me out, hangin me upside down by me ankles. The terror in me is like nothin on earth. I’m goin te be kilt! I try te grab on te somethin, but there’s nothin te grab on to. Everythin is spinnin. Ah! Ah! I can’t breathe, everythin is black. Me eyes are closed. When will it end? I can’t shout, Ah, Jaysus, don’t let me die!

I’m hauled through the air an swung inta the room. Me ma grabs me, an I’m suffocated between the two of them. Jackser won’t let me go, an me ma has me by the head. ‘Let her go! Harm her an ye won’t see me again!’ me ma screams. Jackser drops me, an me ma grabs me. I don’t even feel any pain. I can’t hear anythin, an everythin seems far away, like I’m lookin at somethin from a distance. Me mouth feels twisted, an me eyes can only see through slits. I can feel the blood tricklin down me throat, then I realise I’m chokin – there’s blood everywhere.

These two are pullin an draggin me, an he has a spoon an he’s puttin it down me back. They’re lyin me down on the bed an liftin me back down again wit me head onta the floor. There’s an awful lot of blood. It doesn’t bother me. I’m just takin it all in, tha’s all. Jackser’s eyes are bulgin, an me ma is fussin an shoutin, an they’re pullin an draggin me. But I can’t hear wha they’re sayin, an I’m not bothered anyway. I’m just glad I’m not still hangin out the winda an Jackser’s not killin me any more. I think they’re tryin te stop the bleedin, cos it’s pumpin from me nose.

Jackser doesn’t let me out te play much any more. I mostly stay in an mind Charlie an keep the fire goin. Tha always worries me, cos if I put too much coal on, he kills me fer usin up all the coal, an if I don’t put enough on, he kills me fer lettin the fire go out. If he does let me go out, it’s only fer the messages. An he times me. Sometimes he follows me down te the shop. He’ll sneak behind me an ducks inta shops so I won’t see him. So I always have te run everywhere. An he won’t allow me te talk te anyone, cos tha’s wastin time, an he wants me back in a hurry. He wants me te call him Da. But he’s not me da, an I don’t want him. He tells people I’m belongin te him. But the people who know him knows I’m not. So then he always calls me ‘Sally’s young one’.