Lying and Kissing(72)

He smiled at me. “As you say. So. You will have to be the smart one. You will have to break up with him.”

The sick feeling I got in the pit of my stomach wasn’t horror at what he was saying. It was the creeping knowledge that he was right. I wasn’t cut out for this life. Even if I could survive it, I couldn’t be sure I could change Luka and save him from the darkness that had made his father into this coldly calculating machine. And even if there could in theory be some happy ending for the two of us, the whole thing was impossible. In days—maybe as soon as tomorrow—I’d betray him.

I nodded my assent to Vasiliy. He refilled my glass for a sad farewell toast.





“What did he want?” asked Luka as soon as we were back in the car.

“Nothing.”

Luka looked at me skeptically. “It’s never nothing.”

What would sound convincing? “He asked me about myself. Lots of questions.”

“Oh.” He nodded slowly to himself. “Okay. That makes sense.”

I pretended to be oblivious. “Why?”

Luka sighed. “He was checking you out. Making sure you weren’t a spy.”

“A spy?!” Sounding incredulous wasn’t too hard. I still felt so unlike a proper agent that it sounded ridiculous. “For one of the other gangs?”

“Or for the CIA. You are an American.”

“I thought the CIA were all...assassinations and politics.”

Luka shook his head. “Drugs and guns. They’re meant to stop it, but really they control it. They’re corrupt.”#p#分页标题#e#

I blinked. His dad had said the same thing. It was weird, seeing how we were viewed from the other side, hearing the ridiculous propaganda they believed.

I nestled into his side. His dad’s words were going round and round in my head. I was going to have to break up with Luka. I’d known it all along—it was the only possible outcome, ever since I’d agreed to take the mission. But back then, sitting in Adam’s office at Langley, I hadn’t figured on feeling this way about him.

How did I feel about him, exactly? Aside from the obvious lust, there was definitely something deeper. I could feel it tugging at me, whenever we were apart. I felt the sick fear when I thought he might be in danger, like when he’d run into the brothel. And, when we were together, I felt...complete. Like there’d been something missing, before. Was that love? I didn’t have much to compare it to. The few relationships I’d had before the crash had been teenage fumblings and then college awkwardness. No one had ever made me feel the way Luka had. But it had only been a handful of days. Way too soon to call it love.

“What’s the matter?” asked Luka. “Cold?”

I’d been staring determinedly out of the window. Now I looked round at him in surprise. “What?”

He glanced down at my chest. I realized I’d wrapped my arms around myself.

“You always do that in cars,” he said. “Unless I’m holding you.”

I stared at him. I hadn’t realized I’d been doing it...but just as importantly, I hadn’t realized he’d been noticing little things like that. I knew he’d been looking at my body, stripping me with his eyes. But I didn’t know he’d been studying me like that, discovering all my little quirks.

“Are you going to tell me what it is?” he asked. That accent of his made the words like huge, stone slabs, ones that could shatter my fragile defenses if he wanted to. But he didn’t use them in that way. He spoke gently, nudging at my layers of ice instead. It was like having a massive, powerful bear nuzzling your ear.

I might not be having flashbacks anymore, but the memories were still there, affecting me on an instinctual level. Of course I couldn’t tell him about the crash. Thinking about it meant reliving it, every little detail preserved by my goddamn photographic memory. The only way to survive was to push it way down inside and cover it with enough layers of ice that the pain was muted...and everything was frozen.

Funny how that didn’t seem to be working so well, anymore.

But, even if I could tell him, and if that could somehow help me...did I deserve that? I was about to betray him in the worst way possible.

“Soon,” I said. “For now....” I nestled into him and he folded his strong arms around me, wrapping me in warmth and security.



 



By the time we reached his apartment block, I’d unwound. Luka’s arms around me started to have a different effect. I began to notice the press of his forearms against the undersides of my breasts and the feel of his muscles against my back. My whole body began to come to life, woken by his closeness.