Lust(26)

"Don't be stupid, Alyssa. I don't have relationships. You're the closest I've ever come to one and right now, this is too much."

"Then what is it? Because I'm pretty sure you've been lying to yourself  about it. There is nothing saying you can't treat her in the traditional  therapy sense while carrying on with your practice the way you've  always done. Why can't you tweak the way you've been handling her? Huh?  From now on, she can sit on your couch and tell you all about her daddy  issues while you snap your fingers and cure her."

I can't say I had ever been angry with Alyssa before, but her comments  sent my blood boiling. "You don't know what the fuck you're talking  about. Don't talk about her like that. Ever. I thought it might be nice  to open up to you, but it's clear that was the wrong thing to do. Get  the fuck out of my house." My voice was low but deep, deeper than usual,  and my words narrowly escaped through my clenched teeth.

She smiled, causing my anger to rise even higher. "I knew that would get  you. Deny it all you want, but you want more from this girl than to  simply treat her of her sexual hang-ups. You can't imagine seeing her  without sex. You can't have sex with her without the need to fuck her.  And you clearly can't walk away from her. You want her in your life …   Open your eyes and admit it."

I couldn't say anything else to her; instead, I walked inside and waited  for her to leave. My head was swimming with thoughts so foreign to me  they might as well have been in Chinese. I wasn't a stupid man, so  denying what now two separate people have told me was almost impossible,  but I still couldn't afford to admit it to myself. Not only was I  incapable of being in a relationship and having feelings, I was also  well aware of the outcome of such things. I knew how destructive they  were.

After thinking about it all night, I had finally come to a conclusion.  There was only one thing I could do that would solve all of my problems.  I would step up Ivy's progress by pushing her even further. I had told  her she could set the pace, and I would follow that to a certain extent.  I would allow her to make the call as to when we would see each other,  but when I did get to see her, it would be intense. One of two things  would happen …  I would scare her off, solving my problem of seeing her  again, or my invasiveness would work and she could move on while  enjoying a healthy sex life. She's the one that told me she wanted to  fuck …  and if fucking her was what I had to do, then I had no choice. I  had to end this before it ended me. And I knew the longer I had her  around, the worse I'd get burned.

I was down to my two options: her or me.

And just as I had learned when I was eight …  I was on my own.

*****

There was no word from Ivy on Wednesday, which both irritated and  concerned me, but I gave her my word and I would stick to it. The  problem was, my lack of attention to the other clients I was treating.  As I sat at my desk, scheduling an appointment for the following week, I  made a deal with myself. I had one week to get over this shit with Ivy.  I gave myself one week to figure things out before I started referring  my clients to other people or offering them a different approach.

Her call finally came in on Thursday. I was at my desk late, desperately  trying to find something to take my mind off my current situation. I  knew she probably called the office that late at night expecting me to  have been gone already. And I normally didn't answer the office phone  after hours, allowing the caller to leave a message instead. But that  night, my mind had been so focused on Ivy that I had convinced myself  every call that came through was her. That time, I had been right.         

     



 

I could tell by the way she stuttered my name that she hadn't expected  me to answer. It set my lips into a wide grin that caused my cheeks to  ache. This woman would be the death of me; she would forever be known as  the cause for the Fall of Cade.

"I thought I should probably schedule an appointment since I haven't  seen you in a week," she said into the phone with a whisper that flowed  through me and instantly set my balls on fire.

Had it only been a week? Why did it feel more like a year?

"What about tomorrow?" I asked, not even bothering to check my calendar.  If I had to cancel appointments to fit her in then that's what I would  do. I didn't care what that meant to my other clients, nor did I allow  myself to put any thought into it. The only thing I knew for certain was  that I needed to see her. I rationalized it by telling myself I needed  to see her so that I could rush her progress along and put her behind  me, but deep down I knew that wasn't true. Yes, I wanted to rush her  progress along, but it was so that I could put myself behind her …  and in  her. And then I would put her behind me.

"Oh …  I was kind of thinking more like Monday or Tuesday."

"Do you have plans tomorrow?" I asked, knowing she didn't.

"Umm …  kind of. It's just really short notice."

"I'll pick you up at nine thirty tomorrow night. That will give you time  to take care of your plans and it's twenty-five hours from now. That's  plenty of notice."

"Nine thirty? What are we going to do that late at night?"

So many things, I thought to myself. "You've been doing so good with me  that I thought we would try getting out. I'm going to take you to Blu." I  stopped and waited for her to say something, but all I got was silence  from the other end of the line. "It's a dance club."

"I know what it is. But I don't think I'm ready … "

"You are, Ivy. You need to be around large groups of people to see that  you're fine. It's usually crowded and loud on Friday nights so it should  be easy for you. You won't have to worry about a lot of people talking  to you or having to interact much. You'll be fine."

"Fine," she said, though her voice sounded defiant instead of compliant.  "But I won't know how to act and will probably embarrass you. I can't  dance so I have no idea what I will do there, but sure, let's go." Her  sarcasm made me laugh to myself.

An idea popped into my head. "Give me a book. Think about a book with a  character you would like to be for the night. Let's do that. You tell me  which one and I'll read it tonight. Tomorrow, you can be one of them  and I'll be the other. Like role playing; I know how much you like to  pretend to live the lives of fictional characters."

"Really? You would do that?"

I wanted to tell her I would do anything for her, but stopped myself  before the words touched my tongue. "Of course. If it will help you feel  more confident and could help in your progress, then absolutely."

Ivy was quiet for a moment before saying, "Okay, Always Been Mine by Carina Adams."

"What's it about?" I asked, even though I really didn't give a shit.

"Josephine-or Joes as she is called a lot-is separated from her husband.  Matty is her best friend and co-worker and has been in love with her  for years, but neither one of them have ever admitted it to each other.  It's one of my favorite books." Her voice picked up and softened as she  spoke of these two fictional characters as if they were real.

"So I have to pretend to be Matty, who has been in love with Joes  forever? I can do my best, Ivy, but I'm not an actor, and I've never  been in love."

"Just read it, Cade. You'll know what love feels like when you read their story."

"Okay, I'll get it and read it tonight. But you better be ready for tomorrow."

"I've read the book about four times, but I'll read it again with you tonight …  just to make sure I'm in it right."

With a smile on my face, I hung up the phone and left the office. I no  longer needed to occupy my mind with files and billing. My mind was  occupied enough with the thoughts of seeing Ivy the next night. I  couldn't wait to get home and read this book she had picked to  impersonate. Just thinking of having to pretend to be in love with Ivy  sent alarm bells of in my head, but it was my idea and I had to follow  through with it.

I made it home and immediately downloaded the book. Ivy said it was her  favorite book, and so far, the ones she had suggested were pretty good. I  only hoped this one was the same. The cover was of a woman hovering  over a man, and I found myself praying for hot sex scenes that I would  be able to bring up the next night. I needed to push Ivy a little  harder, and if I could use this book to do that, then I would.         

     



 

Turns out the book was good and there was a second one in the series.  Matty, the guy I would be playing at the dance club, rode a motorcycle  and was part of a motorcycle club. That made me feel better about acting  him out. I never had a bike or had ever even ridden one, but I was  pretty sure I could pull off the whole badass biker well. And Ivy was  right …  reading that book helped me understand what love would feel like  if I ever allowed myself to do so. But I knew that would never happen.