Lost in Silence (The Lost Series Book 1)(63)

“Don’t stop,” I whisper, licking my lips. I reach for him, intent on pulling him down to me but he dodges my hands and lifts completely off the bed. “Where are you going?”

I lift up onto my elbows, watching as he begins pace the floor.

“We can’t do this Alice,” he stops and turns to me but he doesn’t look at me. Doubt seeps into my body and I struggle to push it aside. I know what I felt and it was long, thick and rock solid against me.

“I don’t understand,” I sit up further on the bed and frown. “You want me, Hudson. I want you too. I don’t see what the problem is. Why can’t we do this?”

“I’m not like them,” he throws his hands into his hair, pulling at it a bit, a signature move when he’s worried about something. I’m beginning to understand a little more.

Them. The men who used me.

“No, you’re not,” I agree, reaching for his hand but he dodges me again. “What do they have to do with us?”

His shoulders sag and he starts pacing again.

“You’re going to wear a hole in the floor if you keep this up,” I tease and pat the bed next to me. “Come sit, talk to me.”

He eyes the bed wearily. I know what he is thinking and I giggle. He’s worried about his self control but it wasn’t his self control that he needs to worry about. I’ve never felt the things he makes me feel and I wasn’t about to let him off the hook for it either. Kissing him was like coming awake for the first time ever and I was addicted. I wanted him to show me what else I’d been missing out on, what other feelings I could experience. I swallow hard unexpectedly nervous.

“Sit,” I shift making more room for him to be comfortable. He does but he looks like he might jump out of his skin if I make one wrong move. “What’s going on in that head of yours?”

“We can’t do this...”

“Hudson, breathe,” I interrupt him. His nostrils flare and he takes a deep breath, slowly releases it. He finally looks at me. There is a wildness in his eyes, almost like...I gasp as it dawns on me. “You’re nervous.”

He looks away quickly, almost shamefully. I’m shocked and a bit speechless. What did he have to be nervous about?

“No, I’m not,” he tries to deny it but it’s finally clear to me. This isn’t about them. This is about what us and what taking this step means. He doesn’t want me to feel pressure, to rush into something I’m not ready for. I pause for a moment, grateful he cares enough about me to consider everything my life has been about.

Reaching for his hand, I urge him to look at me. I need him to see it written in my eyes. I was sure and I didn’t want this with anyone else. I wanted it with him. Everything I knew about sex was tainted with my history and I wanted him to change it. I couldn’t be any surer of this moment or of him.

“I know, with you, it’s going to be different. Unlike anything I’ve ever experienced and I’m ready for it. I want you to make me feel the way it’s supposed to feel.”

“Alice…”

“He wasn’t gentle. He wasn’t kind. He took his and when he was done, rolled over and passed out,” I feel embarrassed telling him this. “I never got to experience sex the way it’s supposed to be.”

He considers my words with curiosity in his eyes. My past wasn’t a secret to him anymore. I’ve had a lot of sex but I’ve never enjoyed it. I’ve never felt this way about anyone either. I wanted to feel him pressed against me, his warm skin touching mine. I wanted to feel his mouth on my body, all over my body. I needed to hear him groan in my ear as he comes, my name on his lips.

“Are you saying you’ve never had a...?”

“No, I’ve never had an orgasm.”

“Seriously,” a small spark flickers in his eyes, he leans toward me. I breathe him in, resisting the urge to latch onto him. “That’s just...wrong.”

“What are you going to do about it?” the words leave my mouth before I can stop them but I don’t care. My breath comes quicker. His eyes darken with need, making a warm feeling pool in my belly. I resist the urge to moan as it travels south to my center. He leans in closer, pushing me onto my back but I can still see a flicker of hesitation cross his face.

“Don’t stop,” I reach up, wrapping my arms around him neck. He allows me to pull him down on top of me, his body once again pressed firmly against mine, reigniting the fire deep in my belly. His hips swivel, pressing his need into me. “I want this. I want you...don’t make me beg.”