Lost in Silence (The Lost Series Book 1)(37)

“What did she tell you?” I ask, crossing my arms. I wonder if King called her after our meeting this morning to tell her about his little revelation.

“Nothing.”

“What did you tell her?”

“Nothing, Hudson,” she pauses and takes a deep breath. “I wanted to but it’s not my place and she needs to hear it from you.”

“You know I can’t.”

“Tell her, don’t tell her, I don’t care but you need to find a way to move past this. You can’t survive this way.”

“I’m surviving just fine.”

“You call this surviving?” she scoffs.

“I’m not your problem anymore,” I regret the words as soon as they leave my mouth but I can’t stop. “I’m not a child. You aren’t my mother. Drop it.”

“I can see why she ran,” her eyes glisten with hurt, my words cut deep. But I need her to hurt because hurting others, especially when I feel backed into a corner like now, was the only way to keep my own fear and pain from choking the life out of me. I knew Missy could take it but it made me more of an asshole using her this way.

“You’re right. You’re not my problem. You’re not a child. I’m not your mother. What you are is a sad, frightened man who refuses to see what is right in front of his face. Who pushes everyone who gives a damn about him away, so he doesn’t have to face the demons that haunt him daily. I know what happened to you sucks. Double because you lost two people you loved most in this world but it’s no excuse to give up and stop living. Crystal was a bitch who never deserved you in the first place. What happened to her isn’t on you. She made her choice. Preacher...”

“Don’t,” I interject knowing what she’s about to say. Taking in a deep ragged breath, I try to calm the raging heartache flowing through my body. I pushed her too far and I shouldn’t have. She showed more backbone than I anticipated. She held nothing back, her honesty brutal always eye opening.

“Can’t handle the truth?”

“No,” my voice is a whisper and my answer is sincere. I hang my head shamefully. I know Missy is right but every time I try to confront my demons, they win. Their darkness is bleak and strong in my heart.

“Go home Hudson. Work it out in your head and give her some time,” she sighs exhaustedly.

I feel like a failure tonight and I don’t like it. I was a failure for wasting the entire day driving around trying to talk myself out of my feelings for Alice. King was right to some degree and I fucked it all up in my panic. The darkness leaked through and spilt onto her.

I can’t take it back but I can shield from her from taking any more of it. Besides I’m all wrong for her, which is why I went to Smokey’s to meet up with Holly in the first place. I only wish I could’ve made myself get out of the truck instead of sitting there staring at the door. I couldn’t get Alice’s sad eyes out of my head. The knowledge that I had let her down, weighed heavily on me.

“I’ll go,” I say softly. The urge to fight for her has left my body exhausted and drained. Missy’s right. I need to screw my head on and make a choice. I’m not living. I’m in limbo. “I’ll bring a bag by for her later.”

“I’m sure she’ll appreciate the gesture.”

I turn to leave but Missy’s voice stops me.

“Hudson, I’m sorry if the words hurt but I feel you need to hear them,” her voice is soft and her words dig at my heart. She said nothing hurtful to me. I should be the one apologizing but this was typical of her and I knew she forgave me the moment the words left my mouth. Her love is truly unconditional.

“I did need them,” I swallowing the lump that formed in the back of my throat. Looking over my shoulder, I meet her eyes.

“I love you little brother but it’s time to let go of the past,” the truth of her words echo in my chest. “If you want a real chance with her, you’ve got to figure this shit out.”

I nod realizing my sister was the shit. She’s right but I what I want doesn’t matter. Alice deserves more than I can give her. She deserves everything.





Chapter 12


Alice

“Alice.”

The darkness and warmth of slumber slowly begins to fade away as the voice calls to me, pulling me further into the land of consciousness. No, I’m ready, not yet! The smell of fresh brewed coffee fills my nose, beckoning me closer to the surface.

“Wakey, wakey, time for breakfast,” the voice, registering in my brain as Missy’s, speaks again. I crack my eyes and I’m assaulted by the blinding light of early morning sun. Missy stands at the end of the bed, a large cup in hand, smiling brightly. Ugh, too brightly. What time is it anyways?