Lost in Silence (The Lost Series Book 1)(25)

If he knew the things I’ve done and been through, he’d be disgusted with me. My life has been controlled by another for so long and I let it happen. Surely he would think me weak and honestly, I wouldn’t blame him. I am weak.

The last few days have been a whirlwind and I feel like I’m sitting on the sideline watching everything but unable to react to any of it. Hudson’s been pushing me to find my voice, pushing me to break down the walls I’ve built to protect myself, all the while he’s been there every time to catch me when I stumble.

But what happens when he isn’t there to protect me? To catch me?

Hudson’s right. Erik will never stop hunting until there is nothing left of me to hunt. That’s why this is dangerous for both of us.

That’s why I need to plan. I need to find a way to disappear forever. I can’t stay here as much as I want to. Hudson has bought me time and he’s given me a safe place to figure it all out. For that I’ll always be in his debt. A debt I don’t know how to repay.

“We have to get going soon. Missy’s going to be pissed if we’re late,” his voice sounds gruff and strained. It makes me wonder if I’m not alone in my thoughts and feelings.

I move to sit up but he hesitates to let go. His eyes are warm and filled with trust. They remind me of Missy’s revelations. He has a past too.

He helps me to my feet and I notice touching him is much easier. It’s almost just as easy to let him touch me and I discover an ache in my chest when he lets me go. I think I will miss his touch when I do finally leave.

“Missy brought some clothes by while you were napping. She guessed sizes. I know they aren’t much but I figure tomorrow we can get you a few more things.”

I frown. I am already indebted to him. I don’t need to add his sister or a new wardrobe to the list. He walks across the room and picks up a few shopping bags tucked away behind the couch. He hands them to me. I don’t know what to say or do, so I take the bags.

“Remember my buddy, Sneak, the phone call you heard? He’s going to be digging into Erik’s background a little more,” my stomach drops.

Shit. This is bad. This is very bad.

I shake my head. No, you can’t have him do that.

“I don’t understand Alice, the guy’s a ghost. We can’t find anything on him.”

You won’t find anything.

“The background check came back with shit. All it did was link you to him. I don’t think this guy is who he says he is,” he explains and the blood drains from my face. He pulls me into an embrace, his concern for me all wrong. “I won’t let him hurt you. The detective and his team in LA are digging too. We’ll figure this out.”

A single tear falls, if only he knew what he is really doing. I don’t know how but if they keep going, Erik will find out and it will lead him right to me. Whoever it is that protects him, always knows when someone is digging and they alert him of it. Those looking usually don’t do it for long because Erik has a way to make his problems disappear. He’s a dangerous man and because I’ve heard conversations with his informant, I’m a liability. This is only one of the reasons why he hunts for me. I know too much about him and the world he lives in. Not that I’d ever tell anyone about it.

I’m not just a plaything to Erik. I’m not just a wife. I’m not just the woman who gets passed around to his friends and business partners for the right price. I’m not just a punching bag to him. I’m not just a piece of property. I’m everything to him.

When I first met Erik, he was sweet and kind, nothing like the man I know him to be now. He said all the right things even though he didn’t always do the right things. He could talk me sweet again in minutes no matter how angry I was at him. I thought he was charming and he fed off of it. He made it impossible for me to think of a life without him and I fell head over heels for him. Not because he was the first man to come along in my life, no, I fell in love with him because he taught me how to live. He showed me it was all right to do what I wanted and to experience life, something I was denied my whole life.

Now, years later, I know the life he taught me to live wasn’t the life I wanted. In fact, it wasn’t living at all because I was still being controlled. This time it wasn’t my family controlling me, it was him and he did it under the illusion of freedom. He helped create a wedge between my parents and me, hiding behind a series of lies. It was a game to him, a precursor to the main event.

I wanted to marry Erik, just not as soon as we did it. My family and friends thought I was crazy for being with him, let alone wanting to marry him. They saw what game he was playing and didn’t understand how I was blind to it. I thought they were being unsupportive and trying to control me with their opinions and concerns. It was that exact thinking that allowed Erik to push the wedge further between us.