Lost in Silence (The Lost Series Book 1)(20)

“Thought you’d want to see some of the countryside before we get home,” he smiles at the word home and I frown. “We’ve got about a half day’s drive left before we get to my place.”

I nod, understanding what he meant. I’m glad he woke me. The scenery was much nicer than the desert areas I’d recently been to. I give him a small smile.

We stopped and had an early breakfast and a few hours later we were merging onto the last leg of the drive. I was amazed by Hudson’s ability to drive straight through without stopping for sleep. He looked tired but his determination to place as many miles between Erik and us drove him, that and a few gallons of truck stop coffee.

“Why don’t you talk?” his reaches toward the radio and turns it off. He looks over at me. I knew this question was bound to be asked sooner or later. I shrug and look out my window, hoping he’ll change the subject.

“Do you know how to talk?”

I shrug again, this time with a little more attitude. He obviously didn’t read me well enough or he was purposely ignoring my reaction because he kept going.

“Did he do this to you?”

My blood runs freezes in my veins, zapping all the strength from my body. I watch the green outside my window turn into a blurry mess of speed and unshed tears. I felt trapped inside myself and all I wanted to do was scream yes at the top of my lungs but my mind and my body wouldn’t let me. Yes, Erik did this to me and he did one hell of job in the process. Instead I meet Hudson’s question with more silence.

“Alice, I’m sorry. I know I said I wouldn’t push but it’s difficult,” he pleads. I see his hand darts out toward me but stops inches away. The look on my face reminds him to keep his distance. He slowly pulls back. He wants to comfort me and the urge to let him do it is strong. I don’t know how to give into it though. My tears fall harder now, blinding me to the world around. “Please don’t cry.”

He must have pulled over because the lush green comes to a sudden standstill. I can’t bring myself to look at him, partly because I don’t want him to see me like this but also because I’m afraid of what I might do.

I want to be near him. I want to feel him wrap his arms around me, his body against mine. I want to hear him say soft words of comfort and I can’t help wondering what words he would choose to use. I want to smell his skin soaked with my tears and know he isn’t repulsed by me. I want to be wanted by him.

I swallow hard, the breath in my chest more erratic and painful.

Where are these feelings coming from?

My body shakes with an emotion I’ve never felt before. I swallow hard, my body suddenly cold as ice. My hand slips from the pocket of my sweater, reaching for his, grasping onto it like a vice. The warmth of his touch sends waves of electricity throughout my body, warming me all the way to my toes. I memorize the feeling of his rough palm against my soft one. His large hand as it covers my small one. He doesn’t move or caress with his fingers. It’s as if he knows how much this scares me and how much I need it.

“Alice,” my name on his lips sounds like heaven. I grip his hand tighter, finding strength in our connection. “Please don’t cry. You don’t have to talk to me. You don’t have to tell me. Please precious, don’t cry.”

There is was again, he called me precious. Another wave of silent sobs rack my body. I’m not precious. Not even close. He’s mistaken.

“Alice, precious,” I know he wants to pull me closer, I can feel his arm tense as he fights the urge. For a moment I think I might move towards him but I fight it. This is close enough. It has to be. “I’ll do anything, please, I don’t want to be the reason you cry.”

If only you knew, I thought to myself. He wasn’t the reason.

“What did you say?” he asks cautiously and I freeze. Did I say that out loud? I rack my brain trying to figure if I did and how I did it. It’s been so long since I’ve used my voice, I was frightened I might have forgotten how to do it.

I rip my hand out of his and quickly wipe away any remaining tears and push aside my reeling emotions, willing myself to close down. I take a deep breath and my composure begins to focus.

I look at him and shake my head.

Nothing. You heard nothing.

He stares at me for a moment, studying my face, before turning back to the road and shifting the truck into gear.

*****

Hudson

She fucking spoke.

I know what I heard. I know it wasn’t my imagination. She can try to deny it all she wants but I know the words came from her mouth. It was fucking magical and she held my hand while doing it. Feeling her skin pressed so hard against my own sent an amazing array of feelings through my body. I never wanted them to stop, even though my mind screamed at me to pull away, reminding me of the dangerous ground I was treading.