Lies, Damned Lies, and History(48)

‘It makes very little difference now,’ I said quietly, and for a moment, his mouth twisted. I put my hand on his forearm and he turned away.

Roberts brought his car around. We stowed their gear and then stood awkwardly.

‘Well,’ I said, ‘since Dr Bairstow wouldn’t say it, I hope you will accept it from me. Mr Sands, Mr Roberts, St Mary’s thanks you for your service.’

‘Very acceptable,’ said Sands. He shook my hand. ‘It’s been an honour and a privilege.’

I nodded, too choked to speak, suddenly realising I’d never hear another ‘knock-knock’ joke from him again. Never again would I tease Roberts about his bum-fluff.

Roberts shook my hand, tried to smile, failed, and climbed into the car.

We watched them drive away. Roberts spraying gravel and crashing the gears in his haste to get out of the gates.

‘Sands will pull him over in the village,’ said Markham, confidently. ‘He’s just letting him have his big exit.’

‘You sure?’

‘Well, that’s what I told him to do.’

I tried not to think about what an excellent head of Security he would have made had he ever been given the chance.

The three of us looked at each other.

‘Well,’ said Peterson. ‘We’d better go and face the music, I suppose.’

We had the sense to sit at the back and St Mary’s had the manners not to turn around and stare at us as the announcement was made. I could see the back of Leon’s head as he sat next to Guthrie in the front row. Clerk sat on his other side. Where I used to sit. I wondered what he was going to say to me. Leon, I mean.

The briefing finished and we left as soon as we could.

‘Right,’ said Peterson. ‘I don’t know about anyone else, but I could really do with a drink.’

‘Give me a moment,’ I said. ‘I want to shower and change.’

‘Me too,’ said Markham. ‘We’ll meet in the bar in twenty minutes to discuss things.’

‘What things?’

‘Survival strategy. The coming weeks are not going to be pleasant.’

He was right. They weren’t, and it was starting now, because Leon was waiting for me.

‘It’s your own fault,’ scolded my inner voice, not so active these last few years, but now back with a vengeance. ‘To put yourself in a position where the good opinion of one person is so important to you. What were you thinking? How could you be so stupid? To leave yourself vulnerable to the opinions of others. Of one person in particular. And now look what’s come of it. He’s unhappy, so you’re unhappy he’s unhappy. What sort of idiot are you?’

A very good question.

‘Before we start throwing the furniture around,’ he said, ‘I have something to say.’

I folded my arms. ‘Go on.’

‘As Chief Technical Officer I am angrier than I can possibly say. That you could do such a thing beggars belief.’

I unfolded my arms and prepared to disembowel him.

He continued. ‘As your husband, I am mildly exasperated at your inability to stay out of trouble. At this particular moment, I am this unit’s CTO. Later tonight I will be your husband. All right?’

Somewhat deflated, I nodded.

His first question was mild enough. ‘So, what’s this all about?’

I remembered what Sands had said about never creeping about when you’re in disgrace and came out swinging.

‘You know what it’s all about. Don’t tell me you and Dr Bairstow haven’t spent hours discussing this and agreeing on appropriate punishments.’

He said quietly, ‘I think you sometimes forget that until Peterson takes over as Deputy Director, I am second in command of this unit.’

‘Well, that’s not going to happen now, is it?’

He stiffened. ‘Are you suggesting I’ve been personally motivated in all this?’

I don’t know if this happens to anyone else, but when I’m hurt and angry and ashamed and guilty I feel the need to lash out and damage someone else.

‘Well, of course you are. You have exactly what you wanted. I’m out of St Mary’s without you even lifting a finger. And Peterson won’t be superseding you as second in charge. You’ll have the little wife at home doing little wife things in the house with her baby and you’ll be a proper number two, won’t you?’

‘I’m making allowances for you at the moment because you’re upset and when you’re calmer you’ll know that none of that is true.’

‘Really? Well, I’m sure you think you’re right.’

‘What’s got into you?’

I whirled around. ‘I’ve broken the law, lost my job, lost others their jobs too, ruined the career prospects of my two best friends, and wrecked our funding opportunities for the foreseeable future. What the hell do you think has got into me?’