Leverage (Part Three)(31)

Julianna sucked in a tight breath. She'd never been given such a wide open view of his private life. And the fact that he was baring his soul, trust-falling in the hopes that she might catch him that she let down her guard just a little. “Were you engaged?” she asked.

“Yes. I thought we were crazy in love. Well, at least one of us was, anyway. As it turned out Gigi was a bit of a social climber. And every good gold digger knows that the best way to land a good prospect is to get pregnant. Gigi had always told me that she wanted lots of kids and I thought that was great because I wanted a big family, too. The only problem was, as you discovered, I thought I was sterile. I told her we could adopt and I didn't think it was a big deal because there were plenty of kids who need love but she didn't want other people's kids. She wanted a child from me, to have my DNA so their would be no way I would ever be free of her if things didn't work out. Once she discovered that I couldn't give her a child she dropped me like a bad habit and moved on to someone else. Last I heard she was on to her third husband with as many kids and each man was richer than the last.”

“Sounds to me like you dodged a bullet,” she murmured. “What a piece of work.”

“You have no idea. After Gigi, I changed. I was no longer going to be that naïve, idealistic good guy that everyone secretly pitied. I didn't want to be that weak, soft loser anymore. And so I started to cultivate some of the less than desirable traits that I'd seen some of my friends exhibit and before I knew it I'd slipped right into the role as if I were born to play it. Then I met you. You challenged everything that I thought I knew and made me realize that I was living a lie but I couldn't handle it. I was so terrified of letting another woman have that kind of power over me that I was determined to do anything to protect myself from being used again.”

“Wait a minute…are you saying you thought I was like Gigi?” she asked, insulted. “Are you kidding me? I didn't come after you, you came after me, remember? You dragged me into a relationship, practically twisted my arm to get me into your bed, and damn near pressured me into being your beck-and-call girl. How can you possibly think I was like her?”

“I don't know. All I can say is I wasn't thinking clearly and honestly, I’ve never been able to think clearly when you're involved. I've never wanted a woman like I want you and the thought of living my life without you seems like no life at all. It doesn't matter how much money I have, it doesn't matter how many homes I own, all that matters is if you're not there beside me with our child, I might as well be dead in the ground. You hold the key to all of my happiness and by the time I realized that I'd pushed away the woman I love, it killed me.”

“You said you love me,” she whispered, still reeling from his admission. “How could you say that you love me when you purposefully did something so awful?”

He hung his head in shame. “Because I was afraid. I was afraid that you would reject me if I admitted to you how I really felt. And I couldn't handle the thought of you rejecting me so I took matters into my own hands with a preemptive strike. It was cowardly and stupid and I would gladly spend the rest of my life making it up to you because you deserve better than what I gave you. If my father were alive today I doubt I’d be able to look him in the eye. He did not raise me this way and for all my success in the business world it means nothing if I can’t hold my head high in front of the people I love.” Boston took a chance to kneel beside her, grasping her hand gently. “Julianna Holly, you and our baby are all that matters to me. You can take all the money and flush it down the toilet if it meant that I can have you back as my equal, as my partner, as my wife.”

Julianna sucked in a tight breath. Had he just asked her to marry him? She started to shake. “What are you asking? What are you saying?” she asked, afraid to misunderstand. “I don't…” Tears sprang to her eyes and she didn't bother wiping them away. This was too big, too sudden, and she was deathly afraid that she was dreaming. “Please tell me that you're being serious.”

He said, in a voice choked with tears, “I've never been more serious in my life. And yes, I am asking you — no, I am begging you — please, marry me. Make an honest man out of me, save me from this despicable person that I've turned into. I want to be the man who is worthy of your love. I want to be the kind of man you’re proud to say is yours. I want to be one of the good guys again. And I don't think I can do it without your help. Without you, I’m so lost.”