[Legacy of the Jedi] - 02(32)

“But I won’t give up the Jedi,” Obi-Wan insisted. “The Order could change its rules.”

“Know this, Padawan,” Qui-Gon said. “The Jedi Council will not change the rules.”

“But - “

“They will not change the precepts. Not unless the whole galaxy changes, the whole Order changes, not unless an upheaval happens that changes everything. Then, perhaps, the rules will change. But with this Jedi Council? No. Make your choice. But do it with your eyes open.”

“You are asking me to tear my heart in two.”

“Yes,” Qui-Gon said wearily. “I am. My advice is based on this - I feel that for both you and Siri, the heartbreak of losing each other will lessen over time. You will not forget it, it will be a part of you forever, but it will lessen.

Whereas if you leave the Jedi Order, that regret will never lessen. It will always be between you and part of you. Between the two, losing each other - something that seems so terrible, so painful - will be, in the end, easier to bear.”

“I can’t do it.” Obi-Wan looked at Qui-Gon, his gaze tortured. “Don’t make me do it.”

“I can’t make you do anything, my Padawan. You must choose. You must talk to Yoda.”

Obi-Wan looked startled. “Yoda?”

“I contacted him about this. I had to. He will keep it to himself. He has always been, next to me, your closest advisor, Obi-Wan. He is seeing you, not as a member of the Council, but as your advisor and friend. And if you cannot face him,” Qui-Gon added lightly, “then you are not ready to face the Council.”

They turned a corner, and Yoda sat waiting, leaning on his stick, in the middle of the path.

At the sight of him something inside Obi-Wan seemed to break. Qui-Gon saw it. Yoda did not have to say a word. Yet within this small creature was all the nobility and wisdom that Obi-Wan aspired to. Here was the best that the Jedi path could lead to.

“Sacrifice, the Jedi Order demands,” Yoda said. “No reward for you in it, either, Obi-Wan. Support you, we will. Change the rules for you, we will not.”

Obi-Wan sank heavily down on a bench. He put his face in his hands. Qui-Gon saw his shoulders shake.

He did not think it was possible for his heart to break any more than it was broken already. Yet this must be it, the worst thing for him to have to bear. To give to the boy he loved like a son the same pain he felt. To hand it over, knowing what it would do to his heart.

It took a long time for Obi-Wan to regain mastery over himself. Qui-Gon and Yoda waited silently. At last Obi-Wan raised his face to them both. “What about you?” he said quietly to Qui-Gon.

Qui-Gon started. He knew, of course, what Obi-Wan was referring to. Tahl. He did not expect to be challenged about it. He did not expect to have to talk about it.

Yet, why not? Obi-Wan had every right to raise the question.

“You loved Tahl,” Obi-Wan said. “You broke the rule. And now you’re asking me to give up something that you took for yourself. What were you and Tahl thinking when you pledged your love?”

“Yes, Qui-Gon,” Yoda said. “Interested I am in your answer as well.”

Qui-Gon thought before he replied. He did not want to answer this question. It touched on the deepest part of him. If he spoke her name aloud, would he crack?

“It was a confused time,” he said. “We barely had time to acknowledge what we felt before she was kidnapped.”

“An answer, that is not,” Yoda said.

“What were we thinking?” Qui-Gon passed a hand over his forehead. “That we would find a way. That we were Jedi, and we would be apart much of the time. Yet we wouldn’t deny the feeling.”

“You would break the rule,” Obi-Wan said. “You would have kept it secret.”

Qui-Gon shook his head. “No, I don’t think either of us wanted that. I think we felt that we would work something out somehow.”

“The same way I feel now!” Obi-Wan cried.

Qui-Gon sat next to him on the bench. “Here is the difference between us. I did not get a chance to examine my decision. To see its pitfalls and its faults. I do not know what would have happened if Tahl had lived. We might have decided to put our great love aside. We might have left the Jedi Order. I do not know. I will never know. And I live with the heartbreak of losing her. But I am living, Obi-Wan. I am continuing to walk the Jedi path. What I’m saying to you is that once in a great while we have a chance to look at our lives and make a choice that will define us. You have that choice. It is ahead of you. Do not make it in haste. Use your head as well as your heart. Remember that you have chosen a life that includes personal sacrifice. This is the greatest sacrifice you can give.”