Kissing the Killer(69)

I was a gun, a killer. As I walked home, and the city slowly started to speed up again, I knew that was all I’d ever be.

But at least Emma was safe. I couldn’t wait to see her, to tell her that she was completely free. I didn’t know what she’d do, but I wanted to find out.

Even if nothing else came out of this, even if Gian decided to try to kill me, at least Emma was going to be safe.

My job was finally fucking done.





28





Emma





I knocked on Louisa’s door, nervousness filling my stomach.

I spent all night half sleeping, half worrying about Brooks. I didn’t know why, but after he disappeared, I suddenly felt like I had lost something important. I couldn’t stop thinking about him, wondering what kind of decision I wanted to make, how I wanted to live my life.

But he was gone. Around six in the morning, I couldn’t keep pretending like I was going to actually get a decent amount of sleep, and so I got out of bed, ordered some breakfast from room service, and set myself to the task of deciding my future.

The truth was, I had no real prospects. I didn’t have money or an education. I was qualified to work as a waitress, but I couldn’t imagine doing that my entire life. I didn’t have anything else going for me, and the world was a hard place. In some ways, living with my father was comforting. He sheltered me from the worst of it sometimes, or at least he provided a house.

Now though, I was lost. As my food arrived and I drank some delicious black coffee, I could already feel the decision forming inside me. It terrified me, but it also made me feel right, comforted.

Louisa was right. She could give me purpose. Maybe she was wrong about Brooks, but she was right about me. I didn’t have anything else, but Louisa and the Spider’s could give my life some meaning.

Before any of this happened, my only worry was getting out. My only dream was escaping my father and living a life outside his control. I didn’t need dreams or purpose because I was so restricted and sheltered. I hadn’t even been able envision what life would be like outside that house anymore.

But now, everything had changed. I had to decide what I wanted to be, who I wanted to be. I couldn’t stop picturing Brooks’s face the first time I saw him, the anger and the fear melting away as he tried to get me to hide. He was so beautiful and strong, the strongest person I’d ever met. He even had something that Louisa couldn’t touch, some part of him that Louisa clearly didn’t see or didn’t understand. It glowed, and I was better for its warmth.

But I couldn’t live my life waiting for him. He was going to get promoted in the mob, and I was going to move on and do something else. I didn’t know what he wanted from me, and I was afraid to ask for anything more from him.

I didn’t know what it meant to feel this way about him, but I was afraid, scared of everything. I was afraid to face this world that I barely understood alone.

The door slowly open and Louisa smiled at me. “I thought you’d show up.”

“I’m here,” I said.

“Come in.”

I followed her inside, shutting the door behind me. Her room looked similar to mine, except she had only a single couch in the living room. The rest of the space was covered in electronic equipment, wiring, computers, monitors, and a bunch of things I couldn’t recognize.

Louisa flopped down onto the couch. “So?” she asked.

I stood nervously in front of her. “Well, I’m here about your offer.”

“I know you are.”

“I want to take it.”

“Good,” she said. “You can get started immediately.”

“Wait, I mean, I want to, but I’m not sure that I can.”

She frowned. “What’s holding you back, Emma?”

“I don’t know,” I admitted. “I don’t really know you, and I don’t really know your organization. I don’t know if I can just join you.”

“You saw what we do,” she said. “You were at our safe house. You got to look closer than most people. That says more than I ever could.”

I nodded. “I know. I believe that you’re trying to do good things, but that can’t be it. You have to be doing more.”

“Maybe we are. You’ll have to come find that out.”

“That’s exactly the problem, Louisa. I have nothing and nowhere to turn. This just seems like it’s too good to be true.”

Louisa nodded. “I understand, Emma. I can’t keep trying to convince you.” She stood up and walked over to her computers before stopping and looking back at me. “I’ll say one more thing. This city, and all the cities like it, they eat people up and spit them out. People can be horrible, miserable to each other, and women get the brunt of that horror sometimes. It’s not right, but it is the way of things.