Just a Number(128)

My hands shake just thinking about it. I clench them tightly in front of me to keep a lid on my simmering rage, and I take a deep breath to calm my pounding heart. “All I could think about was what Gretchen did to me, and that I refused to let it happen again. And after I hit him, the look in Amelia’s eyes was…well, it instantly sobered me and broke my heart.” My stomach rolled as I remembered what she’d told me before kicking me out of her apartment. “She said she didn’t recognize me and that it frightened her. I can’t go there again. I won’t, but I don’t know how to trust anyone anymore.”

“It’s going to take some time, and some honesty and communication on both your parts to get you to that point.” Julia reaches over and places her hand on mine before turning the focus to Amelia’s side of things.

“Obviously, it’s not fair of me to just assume where she might have been coming from, but you should know I see both sides of this,” Jules confesses nervously. “You reacted to something you saw in the only way you knew how in that moment, given your history, and Amelia reacted to that. She had been drinking, meaning her emotions were amplified. Though she might not have been capable of seeing your side of things in her inebriated state, she’s not entirely unjustified.”

“I get that,” I assure them both. “I don’t blame her for acting the way she did or for the things she said.”

“However…?” Julia interjects with raised eyebrows.

Finding a way to explain what I’m thinking isn’t easy, but I try to put it into words. “I want her to understand why I felt my actions were justified. She doesn’t seem to think that what she did was disrespectful to our relationship.”

“Well, did you tell her that? Like I said, communication is going to help her understand and you to trust her more readily. Every relationship has different boundaries. Perhaps Amy was just unclear as to where yours were.”

“I tried. I really did, but she didn’t want to hear it. She kept shutting me down.” Frustrated, I thrust my fingers through my hair. “I don’t even know if she’ll ever talk to me again, anyway. I said some pretty awful things to her…even going so far as to compare what she was doing to what Gretchen had done.”

“That’s pretty serious,” Stephen says, sounding shocked.

“I might have also accused her of acting like a child.”

“Which brings me to my next concern…” Julia pauses, biting the inside of her lip, hesitant to continue. “This age gap… It’s nearly half your age, and twice hers, correct?” I nod. “And you can’t see this as being an issue? Not now or even in the future?”

I shrug, knowing that my love for Amelia is true, and that we entered into this relationship knowing that it might be trying at times. “Not at first, no.”

“But now?” Julia prods further. “How are you feeling about it now?”

“Jules, I love her.”

“And I get that—I do. But…is love enough to break the age barrier?”

I think about her question, and I realize that I want love to be enough. I want it so badly that I’m willing to do whatever I have to. “I want this to work, Jules. Yes, when we first entered into this relationship, it was just about having fun—nothing more. But feelings grew. I love her. I love the person she’s brought out in me. Age…it’s just a number, and when I kiss her…none of that matters.”

“So, your plans for the future are what?”

“We haven’t really discussed it. I’m fresh out of a divorce and it’s still pretty early in the relationship to get into tha—”

“Is it, though?” she demands. “Yeah, it’s only been several weeks, but you’re forty-three. You want children, don’t you? Wasn’t that something you and Gretchen were trying to work through over a year ago? It was one of the main signs of discord between the two of you for a long time.”

Exhaling slowly, I focus on what she’s saying. She’s not wrong; Gretchen and I had been trying to get pregnant last year. We stopped as soon as she stopped going to therapy, thankfully, or I’d probably be anchored to her for another eighteen years.

“We haven’t discussed having a family.”

“But it’s something you still want, right?”

This particular line of questioning is starting to piss me off, and I can feel my irritation spiking rapidly by the second. I want to storm out of here, but, deep down, I know she’s right. I do want children, and while I would love for them to be with Amelia, she’s just finishing college and starting off in life. How had neither of us thought about this before?