Just a Little Crush(84)

“Yeah?” I glanced up.

He stared into my eyes. “Are we good? I feel like this is too easy. Like I monumentally fucked up and there should be some sort of retribution. You can’t just forget everything. I hurt you. And if we ignore that, it will come back to haunt me. Like we slapped a Band-Aid over a problem, and I don’t want a quick fix. I want…permanent. Indestructible.”

“I didn’t forget anything. I can’t, nor do I want to. You may not have told me everything you knew but your intent wasn’t malicious. You did what you thought best. I get that. I honestly don’t even feel like I need to forgive you because you have nothing to be sorry about. This isn’t a quick fix because nothing was truly broken.”

He cupped my cheek. “I’ll never understand what I did to deserve you.” His mouth lowered to mine—and the moment our lips touched, my phone rang.

I sighed, propped myself on my elbow, reached over his shoulder and plucked my phone off the nightstand.

“Hi, Grandma.” I slid back down, resting on his chest.

“Brinley. I didn’t expect you to answer. I was just going to leave you a message. My flight time was pushed back a few hours. What are you doing up so early during your vacation? Or have you not been to bed yet?” she teased. Nobody who really knew me would think I was capable of pulling an all-nighter. I liked sleep way too much.

I didn’t want to stress Grandma out, so leading with the news that Mom was fine, I told Grandma everything that had happened the night before. By the time I hung up, Ryder had dressed and was sitting on my bed, waiting for me to finish.

“She will be home later this afternoon,” I told him. “Let me get dressed, check on Mom and then we can leave. Did you want to drive back to the beach?”

Ryder studied me, a slow smile spreading over his face. “The beach would be fun and all but…you’re staying upstairs. I’m staying down. I think this is one of those times we need to unify those opposites.”

“Oh.”

“I know your dorms are closed for break, but mine’s open and Noah is out of town until Saturday. So would you stay with me for the week?”

His suggestion was thrilling but a bit panic-inducing too. “A week?”

He smiled and nodded. “Me and you.”

A perfect balance. I nodded and grinned back. “Okay.”

After getting dressed, I knocked on Mom’s bedroom door.

“Come in,” she said.

She sat upright in her bed, staring out the window. A shell of the woman I remembered from childhood. Her blond hair hung around her shoulders in dull chunks. Freckles sprinkled her nose, giving her a youthfulness that the dullness of her blue eyes aggressively countered. When had things gotten this bad?

She turned to me as I entered.

“How’s your leg?” I asked.

“It’ll heal, I suppose, but it hurts.” She smoothed the blanket around her waist and stared back out the window.

“Oh. I’m sorry.”

Her laugh held no humor. “For what?”

I sighed. “Honestly, I don’t know. I feel like I have something to apologize for, but when it comes down to it, this is all you. And it’s time you recognized that. I get that you’re angry at me for things I said last night, but I was being honest. I didn’t ask for any of this. I don’t wish this upon you. Nor did I ask to be born, but here I am. Your daughter. The person you gave life to. But not the person you tried to create, because if I’d become her…well, I wouldn’t be me. You’ve acted as my friend. You’ve acted as my enemy. But it’s time for you to be my mother. If you don’t want that job, I understand and I’m no longer waiting for you to come around.”

Mom finally faced me. Her eyes were glassy and red.

And though I didn’t like to see her in pain, it didn’t stop me from speaking the truth. “I love you. Always will, but I’m done hurting. I’ve literally picked you up when you fell down, but where have you been? Where were you when I was hurting? When the man who you let into our home crossed the boundaries of trust? When he cornered me, said things a fifteen-year-old girl never should have heard. Tried to touch me.” I shook my head and my throat tightened. “You never came to my defense. Instead you’ve called me a whore and blamed every mistake in your life on me. Maybe it’s time for you to look around because, in reality, your life might be one big mistake but don’t ever think I am. I am not a mistake. I am a person. I am your daughter. And when you are clean and sober, I will be here for you. But if you choose to continue your life in the way you’ve been living it, then count me out. I refuse to ruin the rest of my life by being nothing more than your mistake.” I spun to the door and glanced back one last time. “Don’t ever doubt that I love you. Because I do, Mom. I really do. But right now, I need to love myself more.”