Jeeves and the Wedding Bells(68)

‘In the marketplace?’

‘Yes, sir. Or in this case the village hall. Sir Henry has offered him the part of Bottom in the scene from A Midsummer Night’s Dream.’

‘But that’s my part, Jeeves!’

‘I assured Sir Henry that you would not begrudge it to Lord Etringham and that such a gesture on your part would make amends for the small deceit you were compelled to practise on our host.’

I took a thoughtful draught of coffee. ‘That’s as may be, but you seem to be missing the point, Jeeves. The character of Bottom is a robust one. Old Etringham is about as robust as a feather duster. He wouldn’t say boo to a goose even if that goose was served up roast with red cabbage and apple sauce. The standees won’t take kindly to a whispering Bottom. Trust me, Jeeves. I have experience of the parish hall. I know whereof I speak. Remember King’s Deverill. Esmond Haddock brought the house down by enthusiasm and sheer volume. These things matter.’

‘I remember it only too well, sir. But the two gentlemen seem set on the plan. I believe Lord Etringham is confident that a dose of the specific prescribed by Sir Roderick, taken an hour beforehand, will calm his nerves sufficiently.’

I still didn’t think much of the development. We amateur thespians have our defining roles, and this Athenian weaver was mine. A thin-voiced dotard was never going to cut the mustard.

‘You seem to know a devil of a lot about what’s going on, Jeeves.’

‘After our successes on the Turf, Sir Henry is reluctant to dispense with my advice sir.’

‘Sensible chap.’

‘Thank you, sir. I took the liberty of pointing out that it might be possible for him to allow a part of Melbury Hall to be used for educational purposes while retaining ownership of the house and grounds.’

‘So he wouldn’t have to get rid of the whole boiling.’

‘Indeed, sir.’

‘But which part?’

‘The home farm, sir, and the stable block, being contiguous, form a natural entity. They enjoy their own access to the high street and could be converted to boarding accommodation if necessary.’

‘Where would the thoroughbreds go?’

‘The horses would have to be sold, sir. This would raise some much-needed cash and would serve the further purpose of reconciling Lady Hackwood to the scheme.’

I nodded. I’d begun to catch his drift. ‘And then the lads from the London youth clubs, from Walworth and Bethnal Green, come down in a charabanc to get a whiff of country air and learn about fossils at the same time.’

‘Indeed, sir, with little or no inconvenience to the household. However, the success of the plan is dependent on Lord Etringham’s performance this evening. He must be made to feel a welcome part of the village and the surrounding districts. I fear nothing less than a standing ovation will do.’

‘Presumably you’ll spend the day buying beer for the lads in the Red Lion.’

‘Sir Henry has already despatched Hoad to start work on the more obdurate element.’

‘Hoad? That’s rather playing with fire, isn’t it?’

‘Alas, Sir Henry was unaware of Hoad’s particular weakness. He pressed five pounds into his hand and told him to do his best.’

‘Golly,’ I said, not for the first time. ‘And is that all?’

‘No, sir, there is one other thing.’

‘Go on.’

‘Mr Venables was in need of a straight man or feed for his crosstalk act.’

I passed a hand across the fevered brow. ‘Tell me it’s not so, Jeeves.’

‘There was only one player who was unexpectedly available, sir.’

‘But what about Woody?’

‘No, sir. Mr Beeching is to play Snout the tinker.’

‘Well, what about Bicknell?’

‘Mr Bicknell would consider it infra dignitatem, sir.’

‘I see what you mean. But what about Hoad? It would serve him right. And after all he specialises in funny turns.’

‘Most amusing, sir. But Hoad is already cast, as Flute the bellows-mender.’

‘Was bellows-mending really a full-time occupation in Athens?’

‘I am not in a position to say, sir. I fancy there may be a degree of poetic licence.’

There was a pause. I could see no way out of being the Collector’s stooge, unless … ‘Jeeves, couldn’t we persuade old Vishnu to take umbrage at all those things Sir Henry said to his son?’

‘So Mrs Venables urged, I believe, sir. But Mr Venables is somewhat thick-skinned.’

‘I’ve met elephants with thinner hides. Indian and African.’

‘Indeed, sir. Mr Venables was most reluctant to miss a chance of impressing an audience. Mrs Venables left in high dudgeon after a substantial breakfast, taking the nine-thirty train, but her husband will not follow her until tomorrow. He was not to be deterred from having his moment in the spotlight.’