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Jeeves and the Wedding Bells(38)



‘Well, “one” would be absolutely spot on. So let’s hear no more about it. And if in some ludicrous fairy story these “feelings” you talk of became a reality and some sort of match took place … Well, I mean … imagine!’

‘Imagine what, sir?’

‘The offspring. Suppose they had my brain and not hers!’

‘It may not be a matter of inheriting the qualities of one parent or the other, sir.’

‘What? Are you saying it’s a sort of cocktail?’

‘A Moravian monk by the name of Mendel produced some remarkable results using peas or beans in his monastery garden. In the question of the colour and shape of the pod, he deduced that—’

‘Jeeves, are you comparing the Wooster offspring to a broad bean?’

‘Not as such, sir – though a comparable mechanism is believed to operate throughout the natural world. Certain heritable qualities may predominate – brown eyes over blue, for instance. However, in the event of both parents carrying the potential for blue, then two minuses may make a plus, as it were.’

‘Are we still with garden vegetables?’

‘No, sir. A close study of fruit flies seemed to contradict the principle, but—’

‘One thing we can say for certain, Jeeves, is that Miss Meadowes is unlikely ever to be the mother of a fruit fly.’

‘Indeed, sir. The science is as yet in its infancy. For the time being, the empirical evidence of one’s own observation is perhaps as good a guide as anything.’

‘Come again?’

‘One need only to compare Miss Madeline Bassett or Miss Pauline Stoker to their respective fathers to see that many factors were at play.’

‘Golly, Jeeves. I see what you mean. Who would have thought an armour-plated tank like J. Washburn Stoker could have sired such an absolute popsy?’

Jeeves raised a polite eyebrow, which was as close as he could come to saying, ‘You betcher.’

I stopped my pacing for a moment. ‘Let us leave fantasy behind, Jeeves, and return to the real world.’

‘As you wish, sir.’

‘It is improper even to speculate on such matters. By her own choice, Miss Meadowes is engaged to Mr Venables. All that remains for us is to clear the diary, press the morning coat and order the silver fish slice.’

‘Indubitably, sir. Unless the arrangement were to be brought to an end by the mutual agreement of both parties.’

‘Yes. Or a flight of Berkshire Whites went oinking over Melbury Hall.’

‘“Dear as remembered kisses after death, sir, And sweet as those by hopeless fancy feign’d On lips that are for others.”’

‘Is that helpful?’

‘It was intended by the poet Tennyson as a consolation, I believe, sir.’

‘Well, you tell him from me what to do with his consoling.’

‘A certain melancholy doubtless underlies the verse, sir.’

I made for the door. ‘Jeeves, would you be so kind as to forget everything I’ve said since I came into the room.’

‘Consider it forgotten, sir.’

‘We shall not refer to the lady in question again.’

‘As you wish, sir.’

‘Just one last thing. I don’t suppose you’ve had a chance to speak to her since the failure of Plan A?’

‘No, sir. I feel the explanation of your behaviour towards Miss Hackwood would carry more weight if it came from yourself.’

‘I suppose you’re right,’ I said gloomily. ‘What time have you earmarked for tea in the morning?’

‘I have arranged with Mrs Tilman that she will bring a tray, sir. So there is no need to inconvenience yourself if you prefer to rise at a later hour.’

It was another spiffing June day, and for all the lumbago after a second night on the fakir’s cot, it was difficult not to feel a certain lightness of spirit as I strode down the back drive of Melbury Hall with a plateful of Mrs Padgett’s hot scrambled eggs and bacon inside me.

The post office in Kingston St Giles was in the main street, between the butcher and the Red Lion. It was a musty sort of place that also served as a sweet shop for the local youth. Resting the telegram form between a jar of bullseyes and a box of sherbet dips, I set about composing.

‘STINKER URGENT YOU COME MELBURY HALL KINGSTON ST GILES TOMORROW BY NOON STOP KEY CRICKET MATCH STOP YOUR BATTING CRUCIAL STOP MARITAL BLISS DEPENDS STOP DO BRING STIFFY STOP AT ALL COSTS DO NOT LET ON YOU KNOW ME STOP REGARDS BERTIE’.

I passed the form back to the elderly female behind her wire protection. ‘Thank you,’ I said. ‘And please send another exactly the same to the Hall, Kings Deverill.’