Jeeves and the Wedding Bells(27)

‘Come in,’ said a welcome voice.

His lordship was seated in an armchair by the window that overlooked the deer park.

‘I didn’t know you wore glasses, Jeeves,’ I panted.

‘Only for reading, sir.’

‘Eye strain, is it? Too many of those triple-decker Russian novels? I can’t say I’m surprised.’

‘It is normal for people in their middle years to require reading spectacles. The condition is known as presbyopia. It derives from the Greek word “presbys” meaning an elder or—’

‘Does it, by Jove?’

‘A weakening of the ciliary muscles is unable to compensate for a loss of elasticity in the crystalline lens, which—’

‘Jeeves?’

‘Yes, sir?’

‘Enough. I’ve got some bad news. An absolute wagonload of it.’

Jeeves laid down the hefty book and removed the specs. ‘I am sorry to hear that, sir.’

‘Plan A laid an egg. And I thought it was going to be the goose that … But it was a turkey. Do you catch my drift?’

‘The poultry metaphors are painting a lively picture, sir. Am I to take it that you were out for a duck?’

‘Enough, Jeeves. This is an absolute snookeroo. Amelia was appalled by my behaviour and, what’s worse, by some utter fluke Georgiana witnessed the whole thing and now thinks I’m the biggest cad this side of Newton Abbot.’

‘Most distressing for you, sir.’

‘I mean, dash it, I came down here to try to put Woody back on track with Amelia and now Georgiana thinks I’m trying to steal old Woody’s girl. It’s a disaster.’

‘So it would appear, sir.’

‘Jeeves, you’re not helping. You don’t seem to understand the gravity of the situation.’

‘The plan or expedient was one about which, as I recall, I did express grave reservations, sir.’

‘If you’re trying to say “I told you so”, you’d better just come out and say it.’

‘On the contrary, sir. It merely occurred to me that Miss Hackwood is too much preoccupied with her feelings for Mr Beeching to be able to extrapolate any general rule about the behaviour of the male sex from a chance encounter with an over-friendly stranger, let alone to apply such an axiom to her particular situation.’

There was a longish silence in Sir Henry Hackwood’s favoured guest room as I slowly decoded what Jeeves had said. I got there in the end and I had to admit that the chap had a point. I could see that now.

I slid a cigarette from my case and sucked in a pensive lungful.

‘What next, Jeeves?’

‘I would suggest doing nothing, sir.’

‘Nothing? Have you taken leave of your senses?’

‘I trust not, sir. However, my observation of Miss Hackwood leads me to suppose that she is very much struck by the charms of Mr Beeching. I believe her coldness to be temporary. If Mr Beeching can remember to contain his friendly impulse towards any member of the fairer sex to a point of simple civility in future, then I am confident that—’

‘But what about Amelia? Do you think Woody can point out to her that he can’t spend the rest of his life being dashed chilly to anything in a skirt?’

‘Miss Hackwood is young, sir, but she is not unintelligent. And her character is not yet set. I see no reason why each party should not learn from his unfortunate froideur.’

‘You may be right, Jeeves, but don’t forget that whether they get hitched or not still depends on keeping Sir Henry sweet. Which reminds me, how did you get on at the bookies’ in Dorchester?’

‘It was Gold Cup day at Ascot, sir. I am happy to say that Sir Henry followed my lead and backed Solario.’

‘So he’s in a pretty good mood?’

‘Indeed, sir, though it would be even better had he taken my advice and backed Pons Asinorum for a place.’

‘Pond’s What?’

‘Pons Asinorum, sir. Sir Henry was deterred by the Latin name which he described as “fancy nonsense”.’

‘But you weren’t put off?’

‘Not at all, sir. The phrase was familiar to me from the fifth proposition of Euclid.’

‘Eh?’

‘I beg your pardon, sir. It means the asses’ bridge. It is the beginners’ hurdle – or first point of a proof that the novice must somehow get across.’

‘And this nag did well?’

‘It ran on strongly to finish third, sir.’

‘And you trousered a second bagful of silver?’

‘A quite satisfactory sum, thank you, sir.’

I bunged the cigarette end into the fireplace. ‘I’m very happy for you, Jeeves. But what am I to do about Georgiana? She’s going to tell Woody that I’ve been making up to his fiancée.’