[Jedi Quest] - 00(10)

“I am Captain Anf Dec. We will be departing in six minutes,” he said. “You are free to walk about the ship, but do not get in the way.”

Obi-Wan matched the captain’s brusque tone. “If any suspicious vessels enter our range, you will notify us?”

“No need for alarm. We do not expect trouble. Or so the Senate tells us.” The captain gave an eerie smile that showed straight rows of sharp teeth. “The Jedi are aboard.”

“Nevertheless, we expect to be notified if there is a potential problem,” Obi-Wan said firmly.

The captain shrugged. “As you wish.” The words came like explosive puffs of air. Obviously Captain Anf Dec did not appreciate getting orders, only giving them. “Now go. We are busy.”

Obi-Wan and Anakin turned and left the bridge. “Friendly guy,” Anakin said.

“I think it’s best if we stay out of the Colicoids’ way,” Obi-Wan responded.

“No problem,” Anakin muttered under his breath.

They proceeded to their cramped cabin, which they would have to share. Anakin placed his survival pack neatly by his narrow sleep-couch. Obi-Wan knew that his Padawan was still upset by the meeting at the Temple. Usually he would have to counsel Anakin at the start of a mission to settle down. The boy would run on an excess of energy and expectation and want to see everything at once. The Anakin he knew would have tossed his survival pack down and suggested a quick tour of the ship. But this new, silent Anakin merely sat on the sleep-couch and gazed at his surroundings with an uncurious eye.

Obi-Wan debated whether to speak. He knew what was bothering Anakin - the boy was troubled by both the Jedi Council’s continuing wariness of his suitability and the implication that he was somehow different from other Jedi students. That did not worry Obi-Wan too much. He knew that Anakin’s belief in himself was strong. Anakin was different, and he was learning that this was part of his strength. It did not have to set him apart. And Obi-Wan had told him before that he should not take the Council’s rigor personally. It did not mean that they didn’t think he would make a fine Jedi. It was their job to look for every possible trouble spot, to be harder on the Jedi students than their Masters would be. No doubt they, as well as he, had noticed Anakin’s involuntary movement toward his lightsaber when slave trading was mentioned.

No, Anakin’s silence was not about the Council’s reaction, or Palpatine’s words. He was hurt because Obi-Wan had tried to get out of the assignment. It suggested to his Padawan that he did not have faith in him - which was far from the truth.

Words that hurt were spoken in a moment. But words that heal take time and reflection.

Obi-Wan could not reassure Anakin that his words were spoken out of haste. He was worried about the effect of this mission on Anakin. If they did engage with Krayn, Anakin’s deepest emotions would be tapped. Obi-Wan knew his Padawan had not begun to truly deal with the years of shame and anger he had passed as a slave. Someday he would confront this. Obi-Wan fervently wished that day to be in the future, after Anakin had honed his training.

Yet he had the feeling that this was exactly why Mace Windu and Yoda had chosen them. It was not the first time Obi-Wan had suspected the Council of being too harsh.

They had suspended Obi-Wan once, taken away his Jedi status. He had been thirteen years old, and at the time he had not understood the Council’s severity. He was forced to bypass his feelings to examine his own role in his suspension. He had been wrong, and he had come to understand that. The knowledge of this had shamed him. It was only through Qui-Gon’s counsel that he had learned that his shame was preventing him from healing.

Could he teach his Padawan the same lesson? Qui-Gon had done it with a characteristic balance of severity and gentleness. No one mixed the two like his Master. Obi-Wan found it difficult to be severe with Anakin. He had been deeply influenced by his Master, but he was not Qui-Gon. He would have to find his own way.

The Master must guard against guiding the Padawan according to his own needs. He or she must balance care and discipline with the acknowledgment of the Padawan’s separateness, his or her distinct character.

Qui-Gon’s caution had chafed Obi-Wan at times. Now he completely understood it. The shadow of Xanatos had always stood at Qui-Gon’s shoulder. Xanatos had been Qui-Gon’s Padawan, and he had turned to the dark side. Qui-Gon had struggled to keep Obi-Wan and Xanatos separate in his mind and actions. He did not want his training of Obi-Wan to be haunted by the ways he might have failed Xanatos. But it was not always easy. Of course Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan had gone on to build a rich history together. Obi-Wan wished the same fierce trust and affection between himself and Anakin. They had already begun to build it.