Jake Undone(98)

I needed to either tell her to leave or get this over with. An image of Nina smiling at her new boyfriend flashed in my head. Guilt turned to anger again. Desiree was oblivious to the internal battle I was fighting.

She took off her panties and began grinding over my jeans. I was somewhat hard, half-mast at best, the mediocre result of my mind and body being out of synch.

“I can’t wait to feel you inside of me again,” she said. “Fuck me…now.”

Her eyes were closed as she moved over me. I looked up at her face. She was in ecstasy; I was in despair.

Fuck it.

I’d close my eyes, give her what she wanted, and maybe being inside of another woman would help me get these thoughts out of my head.

I moved her off of me and stood up, opening the bedside table for a condom. My stomach was upset, and my hand was shaky as I ripped one off of the strip and it fell to the ground.

What was I doing?

When I bent over to pick up the condom, I noticed a piece of metal glistening on my rug.

My hand shook even more as I picked it up.

It was Nina’s charm bracelet.

I froze with it in my palm and sat down on the edge of the bed, staring at it, like it were a live piece of her. I moved my fingers over the charms, as an immense sadness came over me, surpassing all the other emotions. Over the guilt, over the anger…sadness had won out. It was all that was left.

Desiree was breathing heavily and looked frustrated when I glanced over at her naked body. “Desiree…I can’t do this. I am sorry. This was a mistake. I’m just not…ready, I guess.”

I don’t think I’ll ever be ready.

She sighed. “Are you sure?”

I nodded silently my eyes still fixed on the bracelet.

I am so sure.

“Okay, suit yourself,” she said putting her shirt back on.

I didn’t even look at her when I said, “Thank you for understanding and for the food.”

“Anytime, Jake. You know where to find me when you are ready. I’ll be here for you, unlike someone else.”

Desiree put on her clothes and quietly left my room, leaving me alone in the same spot where I stayed for the next half hour. As I rubbed my finger over the charms again, something dawned on me. I specifically remembered Nina wearing this the night she walked in and saw Lexie. The charms jingled as she shook her hand in anger at me. It was a miserable memory but an awesome revelation. If this bracelet were in my room now…that meant…Nina had been here since that night.

She had been sleeping in my bed again.

It wasn’t over.

I didn’t know when she had been here, and it didn’t matter. This was what I needed—proof from her—that maybe she still loved me, that there was hope. I knew now without a shadow of a doubt, that Mister Rogers had a fight on his hands.





***





My mind was racing as I paced the room with the bracelet—hope in the palm of my hand. Suddenly, my earlier rage had turned into vast amounts of invigorating energy…clarity. How could I have been so weak to give up that easily? I came to the conclusion that the ups and downs and guilt I experienced over the past year had broken me down, somehow making me feel undeserving of the happiness she brought to me, undeserving of her innocence. Despite the roller coaster of emotions, the one constant had always been my love for her.

It was getting late. I couldn’t go to her tonight, because what I had planned was going to take time. Tomorrow would be a new day, one that wouldn’t end until I had tried with everything I had to get her back.

Nights like this, I wished my father were around to give me advice. He’d probably smack me in the head for doubting my worthiness and for not realizing sooner that love was something to fight for.

A brisk wind blew into my window, and as I got up to close it, chills ran down my body when I recognized the melody that was coming from a Jeep parked at the traffic light outside. It was Crimson and Clover—my father’s favorite song. I looked up at the dark night sky and there was also a full moon.

I decided to keep the window open…let Dad in a little. Closing my eyes, I relished the breeze with the confidence that he had my back tomorrow.

I had fallen asleep and woke up covered in sweat about midnight. My heart was beating fast, and a strange feeling came over me. It wasn’t physically painful, but it hurt in a different way. It was just a bad feeling that something was wrong.

I tried to go back to sleep but couldn’t shake it. About an hour later, my phone rang. It was Ryan.

Why wasn’t he here sleeping and why was he calling me at this hour?

I answered. “What do you want Ryan?”

“Jake?”

“Yeah…who else…what’s up?”