Jake Undone(86)

“I can’t do this, Jake. I don’t want to talk anymore.” She started to get up, but I stopped her.

“Ivy, I have to finish saying what I need to say. This is important. I need you to listen to me.”

She reluctantly sat back down. “I know where this is going.”

“None of this is your fault, baby girl…none of it. Sometimes, bad things happen to good people. You’re a courageous soul and have a cross to bear, but you do not have to carry it alone. I’ll continue to make sure of that.”

She was looking down when she said, “You’re leaving me. You said you’d never leave me!”

“I never wanted to let you see me breaking. You have enough on your plate. But the truth is, I have been lonely and broken for a long time. I didn’t even know how depressed I really was, until I met someone who brought me out of it.”

She turned and looked at me like those words had assaulted her. The sadness in her eyes was palpable, but I had to continue. There was no going back now.

“I fell in love with someone. I never meant to, and I tried hard to avoid relationships with other people because I wanted to be able give you everything I had. You deserve that. But we haven’t had a real marriage for years. I am not sure we ever really had a chance at that. I’ve wanted to make sure I could still support you, so I never considered ending our marriage legally.”

“You’re…you’re divorcing me?”

“I have taken the steps to file for divorce, yes. Believe me when I say this is the toughest thing I have ever had to do. I met someone I love deeply. I don’t want to keep that from you anymore. It’s certainly not fair to stay married to you under the circumstances. I’m ending our marriage legally, but I am not leaving you. I’ll never abandon you, Ivy.”

She shook her head repeatedly and licked the tears that fell into her mouth when she said, “You say that now.” She pushed me and repeated, “You say that now! Leave. Just go.”

My eyes were welling up, but I tried to remain strong and continued with what I had planned to say. “I will always make sure you are safe. I will make sure you have health insurance, even if I have to pay for it myself. I—”

“Leave!” she screamed at the top of her lungs.

It felt like she was punching me in the gut. The house monitor would probably come outside any minute if she screamed again.

I spoke louder to get through to her. “I am swearing to you that I will not abandon you for as long as I live. I will always be there for you when you need me. Please try not to hate me. I will always love you.”

She was rocking back and forth on the swing with her head down and her hands shaking. It was killing me, but what did I expect? I was all she fucking had. I wanted to hold her, comfort her, but I knew she wouldn’t want that.

“Get out of here before I call someone,” she said.

I stood up and walked toward the inside door, then turned back around wanting to convince her that nothing would change. “I’ll see you this weekend, as always, Ivy.”

She stayed rocking on the swing as I walked away, feeling like I had just gotten run over by a train.





CHAPTER 26





I spent the next couple of days of that week meeting with lawyers and social workers, determined to make sure that Ivy was going to be okay. I was told that even after a divorce, I could still be her conservator and maintain power of attorney unless in her right mind, she objected. I still had to figure out a new long-term insurance plan for her and had filled out some applications for state aid. It was a long and grueling week.

When I returned to the group home the following Saturday morning, Ivy was standing up staring at the clock on the wall. The one picture of us that she had on her chest of drawers was cracked; she must have thrown it the other night in her anger at me.

“Ivy?”

She didn’t respond and never took her eyes off the wall as she bounced back and forth between her toes and heels.

I sat at the edge of her bed and rubbed my eyes in frustration, wondering if she recalled everything clearly from the other night. I hoped she at least remembered that I told her I would never abandon her.

When my eyes wandered to the corner of the room, my heart dropped when I noticed the strings of her Gibson guitar had been plucked off and mangled. I walked over to it and when I picked it up, my heart felt like it had been ripped apart, too.

“I’ll get this fixed, baby girl,” I whispered, “I’ll fix it. I’m sorry.”

She was counting to herself when I looked over at her. I felt helpless.

Her social worker walked in at that moment. “Jake?”