Irresistible Temptation(28)

'Leave it, then. Listen, Livvy.' Jeremy leaned forward again. 'Even if  we don't live together, things don't have to go on as they are.' He  laughed rather nervously. 'I mean, this celibate life is rather getting  me down.'

The frozen feeling inside her deepened with the certainty that he was lying-and that it didn't matter.

'And as it happens,' he continued eagerly, 'Declan's going off to Ireland for a few days, so I'll have the house to myself.'

'Yes,' she said unguardedly, 'I know.'

He frowned 'How do you know? Through that Sasha woman?'

'No.' She looked at him calmly. 'I work at Declan's production company-as his personal assistant.'

'What?' The word was explosive. 'Why didn't you tell me?'

'I wanted to,' she said. 'But you never seemed very in-in my work-my wishes-anything.'

He looked at her, his eyes narrowed. 'Then I wish you luck,' he said.  'He's got a hell of a nasty tongue on him when he wants. And a temper.'

'Then I'd better stay well out of his personal territory,' Olivia returned levelly.

He said sulkily, 'Anyone would think you didn't want to be with me. You seemed keen enough once-when we never had the chance.'

She sighed. 'A lot of things have happened over the past few weeks.' She  gave him a straight look. 'Maybe we both need to examine our feelings.'



Although she didn't need to, she thought, as she lay in bed that night, staring into the darkness.

She couldn't pinpoint the exact moment when she'd ceased to be in love  with Jeremy. Maybe the first sense of disillusion had set in before she  ever came to London, when she'd realised he'd made his plans without  consulting her even marginally.

Looking back, she suspected all she'd ever felt was infatuation,  triggered by her childhood memories of this golden, god-like figure.

My God, she thought. Every girl in the village was dotty about him. And  when I met him again I turned him back into my girlhood fantasy. And I  didn't look too closely, in case I saw something that didn't quite fit.

He even told me his wife didn't understand him, she thought, with self-derision. And I fell for it.

She could see now the future she'd planned with him had never had any  substance. Jeremy didn't really want a wife, a home and all the  responsibilities that went with them. He already had all that, and  couldn't hack it. He'd simply told her what she'd wanted to hear, so  that he could get her into bed.

And when she hadn't fallen into his hand like an apple from a tree he'd gone off to play the field elsewhere.

When he came to London, he was giving me the brush-off as well as his wife, she thought wryly. And everyone knew it but me.

It worried her that she didn't care more. She should be  heartbroken-suicidal at the collapse of her dream-yet she was only sorry  she'd wasted so much time and emotion on him.

Maybe that makes me as shallow and self-serving as he is, she thought, grimacing.

Except that she knew heartbreak could well be waiting for her very soon.  Because recognising the truth about Jeremy had only made her see with  piercing clarity what she truly felt for Declan. And it terrified her.

Because it wasn't a passing attraction. It was the kind of agonising  need that could tear you apart The kind of tenderness that could heal  any wound and make you whole again. She wanted him completely-as her  friend, her lover, and the father of her children. She wanted to share  peace with him as well as passion, and be the one who lit the laughter  in his eyes.

The barriers were down now, and she had nowhere she could hide from the truth.

That was why she'd been clinging on to the myth of her relationship with  Jeremy-because it was safer than admitting the truth of her own heart.

I've found the place where I belong, she thought, and it's with Declan-at his side for ever.

Only Declan didn't feel like that, and she would have to bear the pain  of that knowledge for the rest of her life. All he'd offered her, after  all, was a few brief hours in a hotel room near the Embankment And now  they were strangers again-or worse than strangers.

She would almost have welcomed back the scorn and hostility of their first encounters rather than this-chilling indifference.                       
       
           



       

But the choice was not hers to make.

Some day, she thought, I won't feel like this. Some day …

But there would be many long and lonely hours to endure before it dawned.



When she arrived at work on Monday, she was waylaid by Carol.

'Don't think you're going to swan about in Declan's absence,' she said  aggressively. 'It's time you started this training programme we've heard  so much about.'

'Fine,' Olivia returned, and when the other woman had marched off turned  to Mimi, who was flicking through a fashion magazine. 'Why is she like  that? Is it something I've done?'

'Nah.' Mimi shook her head. It's nothing personal. Carol only likes  stupid people because they make her look good. She was the same with  Kim.' She paused. 'And she's jealous, of course. She's always had a  thing about Declan, and when Kim got pregnant she saw it as her chance  to work for him.'

'Does Declan know this?'

Mimi shrugged. 'He doesn't miss much. That's probably why she's still in  Admin. He wouldn't be unkind to her, but he'd make sure he kept her at a  distance. Froze her out The last thing he wants is some PA drooling  over him.'

'Oh,' Olivia said in a hollow voice. 'I see.'

She went up to the office and stood looking round her. So, she now knew the reason for Declan's cold behaviour.

He must know me better than I know myself, she thought unhappily. But  how much more can I take? Maybe it would be better to cut my losses now.

She'd spent the whole weekend, it seemed, arguing with herself, yet she  still didn't know which would hurt the most-continuing to work for  Declan in this new, icy formality, or leaving and never seeing him  again, except as an image on the television screen.

She sat down in his chair, spreading her hands along his desk, tasting  tears, thick and bitter, in her throat. Her heart felt like a frozen  stone in her chest.

She found the inscription from the sundial burning in her brain. 'Love  makes Time pass. Time makes Love pass.' And prayed with all her soul  that it was true.



It was the longest week of her life. Olivia tried to throw herself into  the simple training programme that she'd debut it was hard to  concentrate when your heart and mind were several hundred miles away in  Ireland.

She wondered if he was with the pretty blonde she'd seen in the  restaurant They looked right together, she told herself dispassionately,  both of them glamorous and assured. Familiar with each other's world.  Everything she herself was not.

Perhaps he'd taken her to see the alternative life that he might return  to one day. To find out if she'd be prepared to share it with him.

Each evening, before she went home, she walked in the garden, drawn  reluctantly to the bench near the sundial, wondering every time whether  she might find Declan there. But she was always alone. No ghost lover  touched her hair, or waited for her at the end of the labyrinth of her  unhappy thoughts.

One night Louise took her to a wine bar to meet her fellow tenants, and  she talked and laughed as if she didn't have a care in the world,  determined to make a good impression. Because this was the start of the  rest of her life.

On Friday morning, she was in the office dealing with the mail when the  phone rang. Her heartbeat quickened as she reached for the receiver,  wondering, as always, if it might be Declan.

'Hi, Livvy.' It was Jeremy, sounding pleased with himself. 'Just to let you know I've moved into my new place.'

'You've moved already?' Olivia frowned 'Is that what you planned?'

'It's what I've done, so what does it matter?' he said with a touch of  impatience. 'And I've decided to throw a little house-warming bash  tomorrow evening--eight o'clock onwards.'

'Oh.' Olivia was taken aback. 'I'm not sure … '

'Come on, my sweet, you can't let me down. It wouldn't be the same  without you.' He gave a light laugh. 'After all, I want you to see what  you're missing.'

Olivia obediently jotted down the address he gave her, but sighed as she  put the phone down. Going to Jeremy's house-warming wasn't her idea of a  fun time for all kinds of reasons, but she supposed it was marginally  better than sitting at home, brooding.

She guessed Jeremy would expect a 'happy fiat' present, but didn't want  to take a framed print or a piece of pottery, or anything that would  give out signals of permanency, so she compromised with a bottle of good  champagne.

Expensive but ephemeral, she told herself wryly, as she zipped herself  into a plain black dress with a low, straight-cut neckline and narrow  straps, and applied a modicum of colour to her eyes and lips.

Her plan to wait until the party was in full swing, then put in a token  appearance only was confirmed when she arrived at the imposing white  house with its pillared portico, and met the volume of noise emanating  from the first floor. The windows were open and people, she saw, had  spilled out on to the balcony. Others were occupying the stairs,  drinking, talking and laughing loudly, and Olivia had to edge past.