Into the Light(54)
Warm arms wrapped around me, whispering words in my ear. I turned around, letting go of her, faced with the hospital staff. I knew what they were doing, so I clutched onto Annie, burying my head into her chest, sobbing so loud that the echoing throughout the room masked the sound of my beautiful grandmother being taken away.
“Charlotte...I’m so sorry,” I whispered.
I had always known that Charlotte was a strong individual. For most people, not having a mother present during their late teens would prove to be difficult, but not Charlotte. It didn’t deter her from living life. She loved her dad so much and not once did I hear her whine about the fact that her mother was living it up in Cuba with some guy half her age, but I realized as she told the story that Charlotte was capable of hiding her emotions, that even I couldn’t see that she needed a mother, someone who could guide her during this difficult stage of life. Someone to smother her emotionally and physically in unconditional love, and that finally she got to experience it, only now a little too late.
“They say for every death there is a grieving process, but when you are put in that position, it is the loneliest experience and no matter how many people are around you, suffering like you are, you only feel your own pain. It comes in waves, shattering you, breaking every part of you that struggles to remain in intact.
“I don’t know how long I sat there, staring at the empty bed that was her final resting place, replaying in my mind the events, how I could have stopped this. Of course I couldn’t, but I let my imagination run away, retracing my steps,” she continued.
Something was wrong, very wrong. The blood was a sure sign. Panicking, I walked to the nurses’ station, the look of horror on their faces as they saw that I was covered in blood. They immediately began paging the doctors and I was rushed to maternity when the nightmare officially unfolded.
Suddenly, everything went completely silent, you know, like in slow motion, the panicked faces around me scurrying around the room, preparing themselves with gowns, gloves and masks. Instruments were being wheeled into the room, the doctors discussing amongst themselves as the nurses placed a breathing mask over my face. I could feel my pulse pounding through my body and an excruciating pain escaped as a gush of warm liquid spread all over my legs. I couldn’t comprehend what was happening, was this still a nightmare… had I fallen asleep?
“Charlotte, listen to me, you need to push,” the doctor told me.
I was in a blind panic; I didn’t understand what was happening. Another nurse wheeled what looked like an incubator into the room.
It was for a baby.
“Push what?” I shrieked, sucking the air that the mask provided me.
“The baby! Your water has ruptured and the baby is coming. Charlotte there is no time, you need to push now,” his voice raised.
The pressure built up, and unwilling, I felt the urge to push. I held onto the nurse beside me, following her instructions, taking one last breath before I let out a loud scream.
“I was diagnosed with an incompetent cervix,” she spoke, barely a whisper.
“When the baby is forced to be delivered if the water ruptures?” The medical jargon wasn’t lost on me, but I knew this story was only going one way, and I braced myself for the worse.
She nodded.
“The bleeding... the water… he was breeched.” She shuffled a little to the left where I hadn’t noticed a smaller tombstone sat. Wiping away the dust, she leaned in and placed her hand on it. In the darkness of the night it confirmed what I had thought, what I had feared.
“He died when I delivered. There were too many complications. He was too small, too fragile to even fight.”
Alexander Mason Edwards
16.10.2005
Sleep my baby angel, Always and forever in my heart.
“I held him, you know…for a few moments. I saw his tiny face and I knew he deserved a name, so I named him Alexander, after you. He was small... so very tiny,” she sobbed as she continued on.
“It was all too much for him with everything that happened that day. I blamed myself, for losing my grandmother, for not taking care of myself. I thought I killed him, because I didn’t want him, but I did want him… I was just terrified. The grief was overwhelming and I called for you, screamed your name, begged you to come and rescue me, but they thought I was crazy; they watched me, even placed me on suicide watch. I wasn’t going to kill myself but I just needed something to take away the pain.”
The psych ward, Bryce’s call. It all made sense now.
“I didn’t want to die... well, I did but there was no way in hell I was going to hurt my family. My dad was the only one I thought of, the only person I had to live for. Lex... I need you to keep an open mind about what I’m about to tell you… please understand that I had no other choice.”