Into the Light(53)

I twisted my body, trying to get comfortable. It was no use. I couldn’t lie on my stomach, so I moved to lie on my back. Great, now I had to pee again. I got up and peed for like the hundredth time that morning, then decided it was pointless and walked outside to sit on the porch swing.

It was early morning; the sun was shining brightly on the porch, the sounds of birds & crickets chirping in the distance. I looked up to the sky, perfectly blue, except for these dark grey clouds coming in from the east. I knew they predicted heavy rain and possible thunderstorms later in the day. I wasn’t surprised Gran wasn’t home; she normally conducted all her errands before 7am. If only I could be so productive.

My stomach grumbled slightly, oh food... again. I had no appetite despite what my body told me. I knew at my last appointment that Doctor Flannigan wasn’t pleased with my weigh in; I had lost weight. I sat there remembering the lecture she gave me.

“Charlie. You’ve lost quite a lot of weight. Is the morning sickness still occurring?” Doctor Flannigan asked.

“Uh...no”

“So have you been increasing your food intake?”

“Uh... just eating the same.”

“So what did you eat today for breakfast?”

“Um...I had a glass of water” I lied. I hadn’t had anything.

“Charlie, we’ve discussed this, it’s not healthy. There are so many risks. I realize this isn’t an ideal situation for you, but this baby needs nutrients which it will get if you eat a well maintained and balanced diet” She handed me another ‘what to eat when you’re expecting’ pamphlet which was lucky because I threw the other one out.

“I’d like to see you in two weeks. I expect to see these scales increase in number, do you understand?”

“Yes, Doctor Flannigan.”

Her words played heavily on my mind. I angrily got up and walked into the kitchen. Grabbing a bowl of granola, I walked back to the porch swing.

“There, you happy?” I asked the baby.

My body jerked forward as this unfamiliar feeling jabbed my stomach. I placed my hand quickly on the spot it came from, rubbing it slightly till it happened again.

It was the baby.

Unwillingly, I smiled, my first smile since this all unfolded. My baby kicked. I placed my hand back on my stomach hoping it would happen again, but nothing. Wow, I never thought the feeling of a baby moving inside you could bring so much joy. I raced inside and grabbed more food, stuffing my face, hoping that it would happen again. I waited on the porch for Gran to come home, unable to contain the excitement I felt.

I sat there for two hours wondering where she was; it was unusual for her. It wasn’t long after that a very sullen Annie, our next door neighbor, walked up the front path; I only had to look at her face to know something was very wrong.

“Annie... is everything okay?” I asked worriedly.

She looked drained, her normally cornflower blue eyes looked grey. Her face pale, streaks of tears staining her face. “Charlie, your grandmother. She’s… in... she’s in hospital. I’m so... I’m so sorry, Charlie.”



“I didn’t know she was sick, I had no idea.” Pausing, she placed her palm on the tombstone. “She had a brain tumor and had found out it was malignant. It was too late for any treatment and she wanted to die in peace. Annie told me she didn’t want to burden me as I had my own worries and adding this on top would only cause me to stress. I still remember holding her hand... it was cold...so very cold. She was gone, but I held onto her tight, praying for some miracle... praying that this was a nightmare that I so desperately needed to wake up from.”



Her skin was cold, but I didn’t care. I placed the palm of her hand against my cheek. Her face looked at peace, her closed eyes gave me the false hope she was just sleeping. Like she had being doing a lot of recently. I closed my eyes, savoring the smell of her skin, the lavender scent she always wore, the one that no matter where I was reminded me of her. This woman had always been this monumental figure in my life but it wasn’t till the end, till the very end that she became my life. She had become my best friend. This woman was more of a mother to me than my own; she nurtured me and loved me unconditionally despite the mistakes I had made. Why did this have to happen..? Why couldn’t I see the signs she was ill? The constant tears streamed down my face, the salty liquid falling upon my lips, clouding my vision and falling onto her hands. I kissed them, hoping my touch would bring her back to me. Maybe she just needed a reason to live… yes that’s it, your great grandchild.

I climbed into the bed, lying beside her like I had done every so often. Ignoring now how she felt even colder, that her body didn’t radiate that warmth, that her skin felt clammy. Hopelessly wishing that I could feel the touch of her hand stroking my hair, the hum of her voice filling the room. “I felt it today, Gran...” I closed my eyes. I tried imagining her smile as I told her my story, the way her eyes lit up her whole face, the big brown pools of chocolate that replicated mine. “The baby... it kicked. It was unbelievable, my baby kicked.” I sobbed loudly, unable to compress the whimpering sounds that left my mouth. She was gone... really gone. Life couldn’t go on, I needed her. I called her name, my body shaking, clutching onto her tight as I shook her body. Screaming, I demanded she come back, that life wasn’t fair. She prayed to god every day, I had witnessed it with my own eyes. How can she be pulled away from this earth, this angel that was a blessing, how could god fail us all... how could he fail me!